Coronal Mass Ejection

I don't want to alarm any of you out there, but according to this story, a massive solar flare - dubbed "cosmic tsunami" - which may or may not have marked the end of times last night and/or in the next five minutes, is heading directly towards Earth, if not already here.

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth, scientists say.  "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4," said Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics.

The article continues to describe these eruptions as "coronal mass ejections," which sounds suspiciously like what happens after a long night of drinking cervezas at Senor Frogs - also known as a good time.  So what does this mean for us exactly?

When a coronal mass ejection reaches Earth, solar particles stream down our planet's magnetic field lines toward the poles. In the process, the particles collide with atoms of nitrogen and oxygen in the Earth's atmosphere, which then glow, creating an effect similar to miniature neon signs.

Numerous reports have been received that solar particles have already affected liquor stores and "man-caves" across the country.

As for the solar eruption's arrival, if the Sun's transportation industry is anything like ours, the flares should arrive several hours late, hungry (their ticket price did not include a meal), and with a full bladder.  Citizens are urged to avoid airport bars and public restrooms - this PSA has absolutely nothing to do with the solar flares.

Speaking of airlines, pilots and passengers may be at the most risk for exposure to radiation, described in this report as "levels akin to getting an X-ray."  So, if you are fortunate enough to be flying today, it is highly recommended that you call your dentist immediately upon arrival and schedule a regular appointment, so that he/she can examine your glowing roots from the convenience of their office while you're still in the parking lot - and you can avoid the expense of losing your lunch due to gag reflex when the dental assistant jams those lunchbox-sized film holders into the back of your mouth, roughly 3 inches from your large intestine.  Getting X-rayed at the dentist is about as much fun as trying to fit Shaq's fist in your mouth, but with a little more discomfort.

Dental Assistant:  "Okay, just a few more pictures of your molars now.  I'm just going to use this ski pole to push the film back in place.  [prod][poke][jam]  There.  How's that?"

You:  "Aglglgllglagll." [drool]

Dental Assistant:  Good.  Don't move . . .
     
NASA scientists are also concerned about the negative effects of these electric pulses on our country's electricity grids.  They fear our electricity infrastructure could be crippled for years.  Upon hearing this warning, the House of Representatives, in a rare show of bipartisanship, leapt into action and passed a 750 trillion dollar "emergency" bill to cover our power stations in microwaveable plastic wrap.  The 50,000 page bill has been named the "Tsunamic-sized And Robust Pillaging" program or "TARP III" aka "Return of the TARP," which has many returning actors from the first two installments.  

No reports of outages have been received yet from cities across the nation, but Detroit seems to be especially quiet on the matter, which is believed to be due to the absence of - for lack of a better term - infrastructure.  Also, the cordless bulldozers leveling the city are assumed to be a modified version of the battery-operated Chevy Volt, whose 40-mile range has been deemed "more than enough" and "of no concern" by union officials if such a power failure is to occur.  Although cheaper to produce than a Chevy Volt, traditional bulldozers were scrapped last month because of their rumored "efficiency" in moving things.  This problem is not anticipated with the $41,000 Volt.    
Authorities are asking anyone who experiences power outages, radiation poisoning, or a tan - quote "darker than George Hamilton" - to report it immediately to Congress so that they can cast you in TARP IV - Jason Vs. Freddy.  

On a final note, if you need me I'll be at the bar and/or the polls for some much needed coronal mass ejection.

Pre-Game Coverage

Well gang, another new sports season is almost upon us.  Can you smell it in the air?  It's the smell of blood, that special ingredient missing from baseball that keeps it a sport only worth watching on a hot, lazy summer afternoon as you doze off on the couch.  Blood is definitely not missing from this fall sport.  No it's ruthlessly splashed by the fried chicken bucket loads - along with vulgar insults, dirty tricks, below-the-belt attacks, broken bones, and fingers to the eyes and other exposed orifices.   

That's right, the 2010 midterm elections are almost here.  

The political season brings out individuals more bloodthirsty than a vegan vampire.  Speaking of vampires, this one-day event is preceded by 90 days of non-stop coverage by the media (Slogan: "We can make a turnip seem like breaking news."), where one can gain invaluable insight into ongoing debates on important issues such as immigration reform, renewable energy sources, and what Sarah Palin will be wearing.  

More importantly, through reasoned and civil discussion, but mostly anonymous TV ads, we'll learn who to blame for our problems.  From the oil spill in the gulf, to the state of the economy, to Justin Bieber's fame.  Nothing will be kept secret. 

So dear readers, we have a civic duty to tune into the cable news networks and stare at our television screens and monitors until we are fully informed on the issues and/or our IQ has dropped to that of a cast member of the Jersey Shore.  One unnamed political party is actually rooting for the latter - you know, new voters.    

Listen up folks, this is our big chance to vote out those old, corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards and replace them with young, more energetic corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards.  If our country is going to be run by people who exercise the common sense of an olive (I would have compared them to my dog Gunner, but that'd be unfair - even he knows when his food bowl is empty), then it's going to be MY picks taking office.    

The conclusion of the midterm elections in November also kicks-off the highly anticipated "700 days of even more grotesque coverage", i.e. the 2012 Presidential race, where you and I will play an integral part in who becomes the next "Most Hated American!"  It's like So You Think You Can Dance, but with an age minimum of 50, an Ivy League prerequisite, and contestants are dancing around issues, not the floor.  No word yet from Simon Cowell's people on whether he'll moderate televised debates.   

"That was a terrible idea, I mean just awful.  My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in politics, don't."  

Speaking of debates, one of topics that will undoubtedly dominate the midterms will be the high unemployment rate, or as a politician will never put it, "a deficit in jobs."  However, there's some good news out there according to a news story by Ellen Wulfhorst (loose translation:  Horse Dog) titled North Dakota, Alaska Lead U.S. Job Creation, Study Says. 

A study I'm sure any incumbent with the common sense of an olive will be quick to point out and try to take credit for - possibly even the politicians from these two states.  The article details that North Dakota and Alaska have added the most jobs in the last five years at a combined 31,400, which is oddly close to their combined populations.  

So, if you're looking for work, why not pack up your family and give one of these two foreign lands a try?  Here's a brief profile of each state to further entice you:

North Dakota

State Motto:  "If you want to kill yourself out of boredom on the drive out here, you're halfway there!" and "No, we're not the one with Mount Rushmore."

Home of the:  "Fleischkuekle" - a deep fried entree of fleisch covered in dough.

State Mascot:  "Pavey" the desolate highway.

Alaska

State Motto:  "Making Canadians look tan since 1867!" and "[sound of chattering teeth]"

Home of the:  Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race and the universally renowned Alaska Hummingbird Festival

State Mascot:  "Steven Seagal" for reminding the "lower states" that Alaska still existed in his 1994 film On Deadly Ground, which took place and was filmed within the state (rumors abound that Mr. Seagal's ponytail died of frostbite during filming and has been replaced by hair extensions ever since).

As you can see, the stakes are high.  We hold our very destinies with our votes and it's crucial we make the right decisions.  Lest we be forced to move to North Dakota and drown our country's sorrows with martinis - hold the olives.

Go Compound Sand

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter

June 9 (CynicusNewsWire) - Today in economic news, the United States' national debt has been projected to hit $19.6 Trillion by 2015.  The country's debt was at $7.5 Trillion just last year.   

When an anonymous source close to the White House was asked to comment on the compounding figure he said, "Yes, this is all by design.  We're really doing our best to keep setting more records than the rising price of gold."

When informed that the national debt sets a new record every second, our source said, "Yes, well, we're very good at growing money.  Some of us have economic degrees from Harvard you know."

After having the fact pointed out that "debt" is the opposite of "growing money" the anonymous source was quoted as saying, "what, are you sure?" 

Yes, very much so. 

"Oh, [fudge]."

Yes, indeed, oh fudge. 

"Um, uh, don't worry.  We have it all under control.  We'll just print more money and, you know, uh, tax the shit out of business people.  To liberally quote our President, we'll 'kick some ass.'"

When offered that a reduction in government spending could play a major role in the overall solution, the White House source reportedly burst out in laughter which continued for several minutes until he fashioned a cigar out of one hundred dollar bills, lit it with a gold-plated zippo, smoked it, and then used the tip of his A. Testoni Italian leather shoe to crush the ashes out on the pavement.

"Don't be silly," the source said, the last wisp of green smoke drafting out through his stained front teeth.  "The people need us.  They'd starve without our generosity." 

Our confidential source was then picked up by a limo and dropped off at his office 15 feet down the street.

The American Diamondback was unavailable for comment, but his rattle could be heard echoing throughout the country.

Unlawful Apples

From Fox News, a chilling account of a threat to freedom and liberty that all American's face:

A Californian woman who was accused of attacking an airport security guard for trying to seize her applesauce as she boarded a plane was fined $2,500 over the incident -- and is refusing to pay, The Glendale News Press reported Wednesday.

"Unfortunately, sometimes people in positions of authority are unethical, unprofessional or just downright criminal in their activity. And in that case, if you're in the right, you need to stand up for yourself. And that's what I did in my case -- what they did was wrong, and what I did was right."

Damn straight Sister!  Oh sure, it's just applesauce today, but before you know it the SS-like monsters at the TSA will  begin confiscating more important items like 25 ounce tubes of odorless "toothpaste" or the 16-inch hunting knife strapped to your tibia (for hunting *wink*).    

I don't blame her for refusing to pay the $2500.  Do you know how many packs of Mott's that can buy?  I'd say at least a week's worth.  Or, for the libertarians up in Michigan, I reckon you could buy your own apple tree and make your own sauce with enough spare change to load your 200 extra clips with fresh ammo for Bessy (your beloved AR).  Let's see them dirtbag Feds get their pork-sausage fingers on your applesauce now!

Here's where the story gets good:

But when the 58-year-old was told she couldn’t take it on the plane she refused to hand the blue container over -- sparking a "tug-of-war" with a TSA agent at Bob Hope airport in Burbank, Calif.

You see, the key here is to move fast and catch the agent off guard.  Any hesitation and the 50 or so agents in the area, who were daydreaming about their next smoke break, will be on you like rednecks on a "Dogs Playing Poker" painting at the flea market.

This clash took place at Bob Hope Airport of all places.  I wonder what he'd say about all this if he were still alive.

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."  - Bob Hope

Amen, Bob, amen.

And the excuse for bringing a cooler full of applesauce to the airport?

Hays, who was heading to Nashville for a family wedding with her 93-year-old mother, insisted she had followed procedures and that her mother needed the items for a medical condition.

Don't laugh.  It's widely held knowledge in the medical community that applesauce is the ideal cure for bulshilitus - an unfortunately common ailment in the North Americas in the area between Canada and Mexico.  I feel the symptoms coming on right now.

Tar Balls

What do Bill Clinton, the iPad, and Mr. Roger's sweater have in common?

I don't know either, but I bet the answer is a possible solution to this oil spill in the Gulf.  It's getting slick out there folks.  This mess is proving more unpredictable than the number of cars in Jay Leno's garage. 

Now they're saying that tar balls are washing up in Key West.  I don't exactly know what a tar ball is, but it definitely sounds sinister.  Like maybe something you'd find Amy Winehouse smoking or injecting (perhaps snorting in the most desperate of situations) in the lightless cellar of Camden Monarch in London.

BP.  British Petroleum.  Can someone please tell me what in Patrick Henry are the British doing in our waters?  I would have evoked Samuel Adams' name, but I don't want to change the subject to delicious lager.  I thought we were pretty clear a couple centuries ago about our sentiments towards the King's army. 

American Petroleum should be out there screwing up our natural resources.  Yeah, the AP.  No, that wouldn't work.  The AP oil company would just make up news.  You know, some boilerplate story like, "DEAD SHRIMP IN GULF BUSH'S FAULT!!!" or "GEORGE BUSH HATES GULF OF MEXICO!!!"

I saw a graphic today showing an ocean current carrying the oil slick across the Gulf, around Florida, and up the east coast of the U.S.  Maybe this is some beyond-the-grave conspiracy by our founding fathers to plunder the Brit's wealth and return it back home to the thirteen original colonies.  A reparation, if you will, for the accents they left behind in Massachusetts.  A second American Revolution!
  
"Cynicus!  What's your point?"

Hey, chill and slowly lower your Activia® filled spoon (Activia® is a great-tasting lowfat yogurt from Dannon® that contains Bifidus Regularis™).  There is no point.  This post is pretty useless.   It's not like I'm solving any problems here.  Do I read like the kind of guy that actually solves shit?

Maybe that's what this post needs.  It needs to do its part in helping to stop the leak and clean up our waters.  Here's my solution: SUVs.

That's right.  Smarter people than me are always saying that SUVs eat up gasoline by the gallons.  Just toss a few hundred thousand into the Gulf and let them get at it. 

"Where are we going to get that many SUVs?"

I don't know, I'm not the details guy.  I hear Toyota might have some great deals right now though. 

Post your solutions in the comments!

Float Like A Butterfly

I think I may have found a new line of work - healthcare:

Bee sting therapy, which involves placing live bees on a patient's body at certain pressure points, dates back over 3,000 years in China and was considered legal in 2007.

It is similar to acupuncture in that it uses bees stingers instead of needles and the same principles, but the bees' toxin, which doctors say is a natural medicine, is essential, making the treatment like an injection.

Doctors at the Kang Tai Bee Clinic, a traditional Chinese medical facility in northeast Beijing, say the therapy has proved effective in curing diseases such as rheumatism and arthritis, as well as a list of other ailments.

You may be thinking, "You can't be serious Cynicus.  The passionate and progressive people of the United States would never accept this, the senseless death of thousands of precious and innocent insects just for the sake of temporarily subsiding our selfish pain.  Insects who pollinate our fruit crops nonetheless.  Save the Bees!" 

Yeah, you're right and I don't really want to keep 10,000 bees in my backyard.

You may then ask, "But Cynicus, what methods of pain-reduction will we deem socially acceptable?" 

One need not look farther than the latest action flick. 

"Pure, unadulterated, bone-on-bone violence?" you ask. 

Absolutely.   

As a certified Black Belt I am, with 100 percent certainty, certain I can replicate the healing effects of bee stings with precise and direct force.  I'll even undercut the Chinese by three bucks.

Some patients even travel long distances from remote areas of China to try out the unique treatment, which at around 120 yuan ($18), is much cheaper than most conventional medical treatments.

That's right.  For a mere $15 (soon to be worth even less if when the Chinese recall our loans) you too can say goodbye to your painful ailments.

"How does it work?"

Me:  Welcome to the Healing Butterfly Pain Treatment Center.  Where do you feel pain?

"Dr. Sarcasmos, the tendinitis in my knee is killing me."

Me:  Which knee?

"It's this . . ." CRACK (sound of knive-hand breaking the sound barrier and penetrating the muscle and tendon at the back of suspect knee)

Me:  How does your knee feel now?

"All I feel is the muscle-aching, tendon-slicing, and bone-crushing trauma of your epic blow, possible only by many years of training and bloodletting at the local Do-jang.  I'm cured!  Oh thank you Dr. Sarcasmos."

Me:  Exactly.  That'll be 100 yuan.   

With one simple entrepreneurial uppercut to Big Pharma, Big Insurance, and Big Government, I have single-handedly (or single-footedly - your preference) done more to reduce the costs of healthcare for the American people than the 2,000+ page bill that was passed by the House yesterday. 

ATTENTION: GM & UAW PSA

I couldn't resist passing this along.  This article and imagery from Iowahawk ingeniously puts a satiric page to what I've been thinking all along in regards to the Toyota and Toyoda fiasco on Capitol Hill and in the media.  Here's a snippet to wet your taste buds:

That's right, mister!

The Axis automotive powers have declared war on American motorists and our cherished union-made way of life. They've established secret assembly beach heads in so-called "right-to-work" occupied Vichy states like Alabama and Tennessee, manufacturing six sigma deathtrap jalopies with hillbilly slave dupes paid less than prevailing wages!

And now Hitler and Hirohito have opened up a second front in their crazed plan for world market share domination right here in America's auto malls. Don't let those whimsical inflatable gorillas and wind-whipped plastic pennants fool you: lurking behind every Toyota showroom lies a rat's nest of fifth columnist and Jap saboteurs scheming to get you behind the wheel of a Tokyo timebomb!

  Read the rest of important PSA here:  Take That, Tojo!

Mother Earth Fires 500,000 Americans

The AP cites snow as the main culprit in a half-million Americans filing new jobless claims last week.

Why are you snickering?  This makes complete logical sense.  Think about it:

A.) Wouldn't you, being the cowardly and selfish fat-cat boss we hear so much about in the news, rather "can" your no-good employees from the comforts of home than face their pathetic pleas for mercy as you send them packing in person?  I know my preferred method is via email (it allows me time to wax poetic the number of ways they've failed my business - plus you can attach coupons to McDonald's; it's the right thing to do).

B.) Mother Earth is pissed. We've mocked her "cycles" for too long.  Just to show us who's boss, she'll sacrifice a half-million of our livelihoods a week until we correct our erroneous ways:  designer coffee, Smart Cars, and miniature dogs  (Her logic here is impeccable:  less jobs = less money = less of these items). 

Fellow citizens of Earth, we have a choice to make.  We can either abandon a few materialistic things to appease Mother, or we can continue to destroy our economy with winter storms.  I know where I stand, do you?

OMG!  Louis Vitton has their new line of handbags out that will be perfect for Poopi, my toy poodle!  Screw it, I don't even live in the Northeast.  Sorry Suckas!
   

Our Futures Are So Bright

In the Washington Times, Mark Steyn paints this hypocrisy of modern western governments:

In Iran, the self-declared nuclear regime announced that it was enriching uranium to 20 percent. When President Obama took office, the Islamic republic had 400 centrifuges enriching up to 3.5 percent. A year later, it has 8,000 centrifuges enriching to 20 percent. CIA Director Leon Panetta now cautiously concedes that Iran's nuclear ambitions may have a military purpose. That's odd, because the lavishly funded geniuses behind America's National Intelligence Estimate told us just two years ago that Tehran had ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003. Is that estimate no longer operative? If so, could we taxpayers get a refund?

This is a perfect snapshot of the West at twilight. On the one hand, governments of developed nations micro-regulate every aspect of your life in the interest of keeping you "safe." If you're minded to flip a pancake at speeds of more than 4 mph, the state will step in and act decisively: It's for your own good. If you're a tourist from Moose Jaw, Wash., the government will take pre-emptive action to shield you from the potential dangers of your patio in Arizona.

On the other hand, when it comes to keeping you safe from real threats, such as a millenarian theocracy that claims universal jurisdiction, America and its allies do nothing. There aren't going to be any sanctions, because China and Russia don't want them

(Read It All) 

Well, I don't know about you, but that puts my troubled mind at ease.  The thought of an operating hot tub in Arizona is nightmarish.  Thank God for Mother Government to protect us from the threat of having fun.

What?  You're concerned about that nuke thing in Iran?  Oh relax you tightwad.  It's not like our like-minded, freedom loving brothers are shooting their own peoples in the streets of Tehran and chanting "death to America and Israel" on a daily basis.  You have absolutely nothing to worry about, you silly hate-monger.  Now, stop breathing so much, you're killing my planet.

Everyone have their shades handy?  Or have those been regulated too?

Freeze in D.C.

No, unfortunately this post's title is not referrning to a permanent freeze in federal spending, but rather the temperature of our representatives' nether regions.  You see, it's snowing like Rosie O'Donnell's toilet flushes after a 12-hour binge at the Sizzler - in other words, it's piling on and backing up:

From CNN:

Several cities had record snowfalls.


The storm canceled or delayed flights in several cities, kept federal workers home for a third straight day in Washington, and taxed local government budgets as cities and counties scrambled to pay for snow removal, overtime, salt, supplies and equipment.

Any time we can keep government "out of office" is an opportunity to delay the inevitable debt of our greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgrandchildren, and I'm all for it.  GO GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Fruit of the Booms

Dear Infidels,

Please keep up the good work of adding more layers of security.  I think more Air Marshals is the only logical way to keep me from detonating a bomb on an airplane (ignoring my incompetence of course).  Profiling is out of the question - Allah knows I'm just a simple Al-Qaeda operative from Yemen with a one-way ticket and a narc of a dad.  

Hey, at least running a 4 year-old through a body scanner will provide me with a fun laugh to break up the bureaucracy prior to boarding the next flight.  My first trip was such a drag:
Man Do I Hate The Holiday Travel
Yours Truly,
Umar Farouk "The Pantywaist Bomber" Abdulmutallub