Dogs: A Comparative Study in Intelligence

I have two dogs and I love them both the same, but as far as intelligence goes, they're on opposite ends of the standardized test percentiles.

Here's Piper:

Notice she's alert, focused, creeping, and has a look that seems to say: "I know your every move before you do, who's the bitch now?"


Here's Gunner:

Gunner has Ball.


Now let's take a quick peak at each animal's profile before we move on to analysis.

Piper 
Breed:  Purebred Beagle - known for their craftiness and problem solving.
Height:  13"
Weight:  26 lbs.
Favorite Food:  sharp cheddar cheese (shredded), grilled chicken, and a spot of Earl Grey on an overcast morning.
Favorite Activities:  stalking and hunting enemy animals, sudoku
Recognized Vocabulary:  fluent in English, some Portuguese and Russian
Favorite Phrase:  "Piper, stare at me while I yell at you to come inside."
Specialty:  Telepathic
Highest Level of Training:  B+ in Advanced Algebra  
Least Proud Moment:  Got caught breaking into Petco at 3 in the morning.

Gunner

Breed:  Mutt

Height:  30"

Weight:  90 lbs.

Favorite Food:  grass, toilet paper, and broccoli 

Favorite Activities:  Ball, humping large men

Recognized Vocabulary:  Ball, Bug (we're not sure he actually knows the difference between these two)

Favorite Phrase:  "Get Ball."

Specialty:  Ball

Highest Level of Training:   NA

Least Proud Moment:  Licked the inside of a fully heated oven.

Alright, now that we have a good overview of each animal, let's dive into some of the intellectual differences shall we?  

1.  Vet Visits:  

Gunner loves the Vet - it's like a new adventure every time.  Piper is still plotting revenge for the time four years ago when the Vet took away her capacity to make babies.  I caught her just a week ago outside building a mock-up of the Vet Hospital out of twigs and bark mulch.  I think she's planning an assault.

2.  Mind Reading:  

Gunner - not even a little.  Piper is telepathic.  How do I know this?  Because every morning when the first conscious thought enters my brain (still haven't as much as moved in bed, mind you) Piper cries out, "I know you're awake jerk-off, now come get me out of this crate."  Every morning.  First thought.  

For this reason it's entirely impossible to trick Piper into doing something - she resents the fact that we think we can pull one over on her.  Medicine wrapped in cheese?  Oh yeah, that really ticks her off.  

3.  Guilt:

Piper could drop a deuce in Gunner's food bowl with me watching on and deny any culpability with a wag of her tail as I scream "Bad Dog!"  Meanwhile, Gunner tucks his tail between his legs and drops to the floor in submission, because he's really sorry someone took a dump in his dish.  

4.  Hunting:

Piper takes a very reasoned and methodical approach to hunting: track, stalk, attack.  Gunner had no idea there was a squirrel 3 feet behind him - he was busy playing Ball - until Piper sprints past him.  By the time he catches on, the squirrel is a few houses down enjoying a nice peanut brunch, but Gunner insists on continuing to jump up on and bark at the nearest tree.  Piper's already stalking a bird on the other side of the yard.    

5.  Bugs:

This is actually were Gunner has the advantage in pragmatism.  He responds to the distress call - "Gunner!  Bug!" - locates, identifies, and kills.  One strike, one kill, one snack.  Efficient.  

Piper's into torture I'm afraid.  Oh sure, she responds, locates, and identifies, but the kill part is a larger production for her.  She likes to take a snip at a wing here, a little nibble at a leg there.  A swat of the paw is often employed.  You see, the thing you have to understand with Piper is that she takes a bug in the house personally.  It's her house and a strict code of etiquette has been breached.  She wants the intruder to have time to think about what they've done as they clumsily slink off on their two remaining legs to their drawn-out and excruciating deaths. 

Conclusion:  Going through this little exercise has helped me understand the differences between my two beloved dogs and how this has no bearing on preference - I like them both a lot.  I think I understand now how people can love their stupid children as much as their smart ones, because dumb kids can “catch bugs” too.  Very eye opening indeed.  

Laying An Egg

Parenting advice from Reuters Health:

Spanking your kid could hatch a bully
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Punishing your toddler with a few swats on the rear may come back to bite you, a new report suggests.

According to the study, kids who were spanked often were twice as likely as those who weren't spanked to develop aggressive behaviors such as getting into fights, destroying things or being mean to others.

Oh.  My.  God.  I, was spanked as a child. 

Stay away from me!  I'm a monster just waiting to be "hatched" into a psychopathic, non-feeling and unsympathetic killer of all that is good and decent in the world.  I must go into hiding before my Jeckyll & Hide meets Incredible Hulk transformation ruins all that I've worked for in life.

I need to know more if I'm ever to concur this life-destroying affliction brought on by parental abuse.

Earlier research had produced similar results, but most had not taken into account how aggressive kids were to begin with, and other factors could have biased the results.

Although the new study doesn't prove that corporal punishment causes aggression by itself, it shows that the link remains even after excluding a broad range of possible explanations.

Seriously?  WTF?  I was about to stuff a duffel bag with Doritos, Vitamin Water, and leftover Taco Bell hot sauce packages and head for the mountains to find some deserted and decrepit cabin to live out the rest of my sorry life in isolation to avoid hurting the people I love.

Oh you mean to tell me that kids being spanked might already be aggressive?  Yeah, no shit.  Some kids are born assholes.  It takes a certain level of aggression to grab a chubby arm-load of your father's clothes and drag them outside, toss some starter fluid on them and set them ablaze. 

Although I have never attempted the above, I may or may not have tried to burn the house down at one point in my young life.  Also, to little Stevie, I apologize for punching you in the face when we were 3 - and after you brought me a gift - at my birthday party.

During both offenses, I tried to deflect punishment by out mad-dogging my ultra-aggressive father (Vietnam, special forces). 

He spanked the shit out of my ass - I think he might have even broken his hand. 

But I'll tell you one thing, I never tried to out-boss him again - ever.  I'm 32 years old and if I want to say no to even the most benign requests from him, I'll find a delicate way of doing it.

And this is their conclusion from this article???

Instead, many psychologists recommend time-outs and other types of non-physical punishment. If that doesn't work, Graham-Bermann said a parent might want to wait until his or her anger has blown over before talking to the child about the problem.

What a crock of shit.  Yes, I'm sure your 5 year-old will have a rewarding and enlightened discussion on the principles of right and wrong with you. 

"Children need guidance and discipline," said Taylor. "However, parents should focus on positive, non-physical forms of discipline and avoid the use of spanking."

I wonder if they mean like this:

 

Eager Bieber

Is it just me, or is Justin Bieber taking over the world?  God damn.  I don't even know who he is, but it's obvious he has Google, Apple, and Disney as his publicity team.  Everywhere I look - American Idol, Twitter, FB, search engine results, entertainment shows and sites, and senior center message boards (both cork board and virtual) - the kid is mentioned, listed, posted, etc.

I hadn't even heard of the kid a week ago.  There's no possible way the Dark Forces aren't involved in this greatest push for stardom since the birth of the sun.  It's clear this much publicity and exposure can only be brought on by some apocalyptic, Mayan 2012, WWIII, evil empire conglomeration of prophetic badassness, not seen since JT was on the Mickey Mouse Club.

I still don't know what exactly it is that he does.  I think he might be a bowler or something:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POdRMwejcdw 


After watching that video I still don't know what he does.  Hangs out with his older sister? Are we to believe that "JB" and Ludacris are friends?  Well, I totally believe it.  What big name African-American rapper wouldn't want to hit the studio with a prepubescent playa from da burbs?  Major street cred y'all.  Holla atcha boy.


Note to my readers (all 1.5 of you):  Posting will be light or nonexistent for the next few days as I attempt to pull-off a near-impossible, self-imposed manuscript overhaul deadline.  A shout out to the beautiful Mrs. Sarcasmos as this will probably be the only communication I have with her for the next couple days.  Love you babe!
          


     

That's Mr. Kiddie To You

The latest seething rage all over the news networks this morning is a story about a child directing five flights from the air-traffic control tower at JFK airport.

Here's the link header from Fox New's homepage, Kiddie Controls the Sky at JFK:

In a recording that has been confirmed as genuine by the Federal Aviation Administration, the child makes five transmissions from John F Kennedy International Airport — with the pilots in each case all responding enthusiastically to him.

One conversation between the tower at JFK Airport in New York and a pilot goes as follows:

JFK TOWER: Jet Blue 171 contact departure.

PILOT: Over to departure jet blue 171, awesome job.

How dare those rebel pilots acquiesce to the ruse and "respond enthusiastically."  Why they should've crushed his aspirations to be like his daddy some day right there on the spot.

Within live on-air coverage, Fox anchors keep alluding to this as a prank.  A prank?  No I don't think so.  A prank would be if they let the pilots sweat a little by providing misleading instructions.  A prank would be if they stowed the kid behind the captain's seat and had him jump out mid-landing screaming, "Gotcha!"

Let me just say that I haven't seen this much overblown righteous indignation in the media since Chloe and Lamar kept their wedding private . . . until the airing of their show of course.


I don't see what the big deal is.  I think it's called bring your child to work day, right?

Dad:  "Hey Tony, this is little Johnny."
Boss Tony:  "Hey little Johnny.  Wanna operate the forklift today?"
Kid:  "Gee Tony, that'd be swell."
Boss Tony:  "Well get on it then kid.  Those pallets aren't going to move themselves."
. . . . Eight hours later . . . .
Boss Tony:  "You did great today kid.  Don't worry about Dan's leg, no one really likes him anyway."
Dad:  "Smoke up, Johnny!" 

I have two questions:  1.) Did the child communicate the proper instructions?  2.)  Did he communicate them clearly?

I understand there are - pause for dramatic effect - federal regulations with this sort of thing, but as far as I can tell the answer to these questions are both yes.  By these facts alone, this child is more qualified in effective communication than 80% of TSA workers.  This is coming from someone who was turned down for a TSA position (not sure what that says about me), so I know what I'm talking about here.

Question for the audience:  What job would you allow your savant child to do for you?