Ureka!

According to a study done by scientists at the University of Liverpool, female mice are attracted to the urine of male mice.  The full article by Clara Moskowitz (pronounced MOUSE-Kowitz) can be found at LiveScience.com.  Here's an excerpt:

Hurst and colleagues studied more than 450 female house mice. The scientists exposed the mice to two urine scents – one from a male, and one from a female – and measured how long the females lingered near the smelly spot. In some trials, the mice were allowed to touch the scent mark, and in some cases only smell it.



"Contact with darcin consistently doubled the time spent near a male's scent," Hurst said. "Touching darcin with the nose also made females learn that particular male's odor, subsequently tripling the time spent near to the airborne scent of that individual male but showing no attraction to other males."

Analogous chemicals could be at work in human sexual attraction, too.

This is absolutely fascinating, but what exactly are we supposed to do with this new information?  I suppose this could be a major breakthrough for the relationship-challenged males out there.  They could mark their territory everywhere they go like a dog on a walk.  Instead of bushes, mailboxes, trees and fire hydrants, perhaps a little sprinkle on a bar stool or dancefloor would do the trick.  For the refined gentlemen looking for a good-girl, a dabble on the steps of the local library could bring about an abundance of seemingly random encounters at the study tables.

What am I saying?  Peeing in public is a ridiculous idea.  The more likely result of these research findings is that some slick marketers will pounce on the opportunity.  That's right.  They'll go out and find the alpha males of our society and bottle their potent love potion. 

Cologne is a big business.

"Cynicus, that's just as ridiculous.  No one's gonna spray urine on themselves."

Well not if you put it like that.  It's all about presentation.  Humans are suckers for a good pitch.  Read this list of potential products and tell me you can't see someone buying into it.  

COUNTDOWN!
The Top 7 New Brands of Cologne in 2011:

7.Ureka! by Brad Pitt

6. Piss Off by Colin Farrell

5. Freaky by Criss Angel

4. Swinger by Vince Vaughn

3. Pee Diddy by Sean Combs

2. Wonder Mist by John Mayer

And the number 1 top new Men's cologne to attract the ladies is . . .

1. Flow by 50 Cent

I'd include an Axe body spray product, but judging by the whorish attraction stunning females show towards the "every-day" guy in their commercials - that could elicit an allegation of false realism from Jenna Jameson - I'd say there's a good chance they're well ahead of the curve on this. 

Do you have any new cologne brand ideas?  Put'em in the comments!

Shining Sheen - Half A Man

My life is over.  What am I going to do without Two and a Half Men?

From TMZ:

Suddenly it's looking like Charlie Sheen may not re-sign with "Two and a Half Men"  Several sources familiar with the situation say Sheen likes playing Charlie Harper but he's thinking about "the next thing" -- though no one would be specific.

Does anyone even watch Two and a Half Men?  A show hasn't sucked this hard since My Two Dads, which pretty much has the same premise, but with two guys way cooler than Charlie Sheen. 

Which one's Charlie??

Well, no wonder he's agreed to do this show all these slow painful years:

Charlie stands to make between $60 - $100 mil for the next two years ... depending on how the negotiations go.

Jesus, I guess you'd need to make that much to justify ruining an A-list acting career. 

I almost feel a little sympathy for his little incident in Aspen last year.  It's possible that he and his wife got into an argument over something and to come out on top, his wife went for the nuclear option and said something to the affect of, "Oh yeah, Charlie? Too bad your pathetic little show has worse ratings than Fox and Friends!"  And poor old Charlie just snapped and tried to kill her.  Seriously, what self-respecting individual wants to be compared negatively to Fox and Friends?

Oh, there it is.  Our real answer to why Charlie's leaving the show:

"Charlie is really into his sobriety now," one source said, adding, "He likes the show but it brings back bad memories."

Right, so he sobered up, watched a few episodes, and realized how much of a boob his character is.  This makes perfect sense to me - unlike this show lasting as many years as it has.

Disclaimer:  Apparently many people actually watch Two and a Half Men.  People that I do not socialize with.  Everything I've written about the domestic situation is pure speculation.  I've actually never watched a full episode of this television series.  As a professional cynic, all I need is five minutes to determine whether something is killing my brain cells.  Yeah, a guy named Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, gets a lot of ladies - that's a stretch.

 

Matthew Modine in Full Metal Scarf

Private Joker has to be joking when he sat down with CNN and after going into detail on theatre and communication and his Broadway play, threw this little love-nugget in: 

"Imagine if somebody were to really sit down with Osama Bin Laden and say 'listen man, what is it that you are so angry at me about that you're willing to have people strap bombs to themselves or get inside of airplanes and fly them into buildings.'  That would be the miracle if we could sit down with our enemies and find a way for them to hear us.

Um, PJ, I think he understands us and what we stand for just fine. That's why he's angry. He hates us for who we are and what we stand for.

You know, now that his message has sunk in, I'm going to change my tune.  I've responded like a neanderthal buffoon.  Listen man, this is the most enlightened thought I've ever come across.  I'm man enough to admit when I've been an illogical hatemonger. 

Speaking of Miracle Workers and communication, I nominate Matthew Modine to be our Northwest Pakistan Amassador.  Cleary the num-nuts in D.C. don't have a clue on how to communicate with truly misunderstood and peaceful men.

I'm sure Bin Laden will treat you with the same respect and compassion he would've afforded Hellen Keller herself if she were alive today. 

On the other hand - just as an unnecessary and unwarranted precaution - during your journey of rainbows and free-love you might want to wear a full metal scarf.  You know, just in case Binny and the boys get spunky and want to use a freshly severed head for a soccer ball - futbol for you more nuanced folks - in the graveled streets of Peshawar.   

Here's the video (quote at 2:12):

Lohan Has Baby!

. . . it looks like she gave birth to herself. 

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan wants $100 million from E*TRADE -- because she believes their "milkaholic" baby featured in their Super Bowl commercial was modeled after her . . .  she claims E*TRADE violated Lohan's rights by using her "name and characterization" in business without paying her or getting her approval.

Okay, so she may have a case on the "characterization" aspect of the suit.  The paparazzi does have extensive evidence in the form of video and photos of Ms. Lohan drooling excessively and exhibiting underdeveloped motor skills.  But "name" violation?  Here's what her lawyer said about that:

Stephanie Ovadia, tells TMZ it doesn't matter that the commercial doesn't mention the name Lohan, adding, "Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna? Same thing."

Okay counselor, I'm sold.  When is the "Lindsay" (aka no Lohan needed) billion dollar franchise being launched?  Speaking of Oprah and Madonna, could any two names be more cliche?  I'd bet they're number 1 and 2 respectively on the most popular baby names' list.

. . . looks like someone needs to take their Risperidone.


Why is she so upset anyway?  Being falsely labeled a milkaholic is much better than the truth of her bumpy past.

Ovadia had no comment on the "milkaholic" reference, saying "If you look at the commercial as a whole, it's Lindsay Lohan."

Well, finally we can agree on something.  I too see a baby. 


Read more from TMZ

Penn To The Pen?

According to TMZ, Sean Penn has been charged with battery and vandalism and could potentially be facing a 1 1/2 year jail sentence for assaulting a paparazzo and breaking his camera.  If my instincts are on par, TMZ will have to retract this story and post an immediate apology and correction for fear of a lawsuit for defaming this great man's reputation.  I mean, seriously, who is TMZ anyway?  There not exactly known for esteemed and accurate reporting.  They're like the National Enquirer - all rumors and no substance.

What's that you say?  TMZ was first to report Michael Jackson's death and the National Enquirer broke the John Edwards baby scandal?  Whatever. 

My real point is that Sean Penn is an amazing actor, philanthropist, humanitarian, and all around good-guy who brings meaning to many folks lives through his transcendent acting (I dare you to find a character more poignant and inspirational than Jeff Spicoli). 

What? They have a video?  Shit.

Alright. Fine.  The guy's a total asshole.  As a side note, I've seen more power behind a kick from a beached sea turtle (not the adolescent ninja kind either).