Pre-Game Coverage

Well gang, another new sports season is almost upon us.  Can you smell it in the air?  It's the smell of blood, that special ingredient missing from baseball that keeps it a sport only worth watching on a hot, lazy summer afternoon as you doze off on the couch.  Blood is definitely not missing from this fall sport.  No it's ruthlessly splashed by the fried chicken bucket loads - along with vulgar insults, dirty tricks, below-the-belt attacks, broken bones, and fingers to the eyes and other exposed orifices.   

That's right, the 2010 midterm elections are almost here.  

The political season brings out individuals more bloodthirsty than a vegan vampire.  Speaking of vampires, this one-day event is preceded by 90 days of non-stop coverage by the media (Slogan: "We can make a turnip seem like breaking news."), where one can gain invaluable insight into ongoing debates on important issues such as immigration reform, renewable energy sources, and what Sarah Palin will be wearing.  

More importantly, through reasoned and civil discussion, but mostly anonymous TV ads, we'll learn who to blame for our problems.  From the oil spill in the gulf, to the state of the economy, to Justin Bieber's fame.  Nothing will be kept secret. 

So dear readers, we have a civic duty to tune into the cable news networks and stare at our television screens and monitors until we are fully informed on the issues and/or our IQ has dropped to that of a cast member of the Jersey Shore.  One unnamed political party is actually rooting for the latter - you know, new voters.    

Listen up folks, this is our big chance to vote out those old, corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards and replace them with young, more energetic corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards.  If our country is going to be run by people who exercise the common sense of an olive (I would have compared them to my dog Gunner, but that'd be unfair - even he knows when his food bowl is empty), then it's going to be MY picks taking office.    

The conclusion of the midterm elections in November also kicks-off the highly anticipated "700 days of even more grotesque coverage", i.e. the 2012 Presidential race, where you and I will play an integral part in who becomes the next "Most Hated American!"  It's like So You Think You Can Dance, but with an age minimum of 50, an Ivy League prerequisite, and contestants are dancing around issues, not the floor.  No word yet from Simon Cowell's people on whether he'll moderate televised debates.   

"That was a terrible idea, I mean just awful.  My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in politics, don't."  

Speaking of debates, one of topics that will undoubtedly dominate the midterms will be the high unemployment rate, or as a politician will never put it, "a deficit in jobs."  However, there's some good news out there according to a news story by Ellen Wulfhorst (loose translation:  Horse Dog) titled North Dakota, Alaska Lead U.S. Job Creation, Study Says. 

A study I'm sure any incumbent with the common sense of an olive will be quick to point out and try to take credit for - possibly even the politicians from these two states.  The article details that North Dakota and Alaska have added the most jobs in the last five years at a combined 31,400, which is oddly close to their combined populations.  

So, if you're looking for work, why not pack up your family and give one of these two foreign lands a try?  Here's a brief profile of each state to further entice you:

North Dakota

State Motto:  "If you want to kill yourself out of boredom on the drive out here, you're halfway there!" and "No, we're not the one with Mount Rushmore."

Home of the:  "Fleischkuekle" - a deep fried entree of fleisch covered in dough.

State Mascot:  "Pavey" the desolate highway.

Alaska

State Motto:  "Making Canadians look tan since 1867!" and "[sound of chattering teeth]"

Home of the:  Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race and the universally renowned Alaska Hummingbird Festival

State Mascot:  "Steven Seagal" for reminding the "lower states" that Alaska still existed in his 1994 film On Deadly Ground, which took place and was filmed within the state (rumors abound that Mr. Seagal's ponytail died of frostbite during filming and has been replaced by hair extensions ever since).

As you can see, the stakes are high.  We hold our very destinies with our votes and it's crucial we make the right decisions.  Lest we be forced to move to North Dakota and drown our country's sorrows with martinis - hold the olives.

The Granny Panty Bandit

I'm sure you've all grown tired of the coverage of the "Barefoot Bandit."  You know, that teenager from Washington with freakishly oversized feet.  Judging by the chalk outlines he left behind in many of his Bahamian robberies, I'd guesstimate those ground-pounders to be about 30 inches long, or roughly what you'd expect from the love child of King-Kong and Big Foot, which is totally plausible considering we all know that Big Foot resides in the mountains of Washington and that the Washington coastline is closest to Skull Island - birthplace of King-Kong.  It was really only a matter of time before those two monkeys engaged in an elaborate mating ritual involving the climbing of tall buildings and scaring intoxicated, toothless hunters.

Where was I?  Oh yes, of course - the Barefoot Bandit.  Clearly this was a case of a child drowning in the Lake Huron sized shadow of his follicly-saturated parents.  Cast in this light, it's no wonder he both hid from and egged-on the authorities, doing his best to garner a larger following of Facebook friends than the P-units.

This story is over and we are definitely moving on, but what we may have not seen coming is the inspirational effect this lad's toe jam has had on other criminals in the underground bandit world.

In the spirit of Jesse James (not the tattoo gunslinging one), I present you the first awesome copy cat of the Barefoot Bandit - and I'm not making this up - the "Granny Panty Bandit."

At 3 AM last Tuesday morning, a 51 year-old woman robbed a McDonalds in Oklahoma wearing a "white stretch girdle" around her face as a mask.  Don't believe me?  Here's a link to the story and a picture (disclaimer: any damage to property or bodily harm caused by violent convulsions and/or spitting of liquids brought on by this image is purely on purpose and you can thank me later).          

Now, anyone who's ever seen an episode of Cops - or lives in certain parts of Florida - knows that white stretch girdles are actually granny panties (not that there's anything wrong with that), hence the name.

It's been rumored (by me) that this robber stated, "stick'em up, or I'll put these things on" during the attempt.  Money was exchanged faster than an octogenarian can say, "Bingo!"

The list of unorthodox bandits doesn't end here.  The next on the list - and again, I am NOT making this up - is the "Bouquet Bandit."  From the article at Reuters:

Dubbed the "bouquet bandit" by local news media, Pemberton is accused of pulling out a note demanding money -- first from under a potted plant and then from inside a bouquet of flowers -- and handing it to the bank tellers.

This bandit tried gold jewelry on his first attempts, but quickly found out the banks were getting the better deal.   He then tried boxes of chocolate, but had a hard time making the exchange with female tellers who were on diets, which naturally led him to employ flowers.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet jury, I give you Evidence C:

The Force was with a man when he robbed a bank wearing a Darth Vader mask and a cape.

Armed with a gun instead of a light saber, the man entered a Chase bank branch in Setauket, New York, about 50 miles east of New York City, on Thursday and demanded cash from a teller, police said.

This particular bandit has been branded - you guessed it - the "This Is No Halloween Costume It's A Lifestyle 40 Year-old Virgin Living With Mom Bandit."  There's no proof, but this writer would bet a dozen still-in-their-original-packages Princess Leia figurines that this guy's only friend Skip was waiting in an '83 Honda hatchback in full Storm Trooper gear.

Next up for public adoration?  The "Trout Shin Guard Bandit." I may or may not have court recognized proof of the actual existence of this criminal (I'm sure it's only a matter of time).  Inspired by the recent conclusion of the World Cup and for his love of fishing, this bandit affixed fresh rainbow trout to his shins in the hopes of thwarting any attempts at slide-tackling him during his getaway.  Estimated Facebook fans: 1,438,330.

Gee, this horrible economy is getting terribly entertaining.  It's a good thing we have so many heroes to cheer on.

Black Holes Are Racist Whores, Says NAACP

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter


(CynicusNewsWire) June 12 - The day started off tranquil, pleasant, and "a little boring" according to Leon Jenkins of the Los Angeles chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

"It was a morning that began like any other for me.  I ate my breakfast while I read the paper, scanning the stories for any racial injustices towards colored people.  I remember planning to go to the store to pick up a new battery for my hearing aid."

Mr. Jenkins never would make it to the store for that new battery.  What occurred next changed his plans and injected new meaning into his day, perhaps even the entire week.

"My wife came into the room and threw a greeting card down on the kitchen table and said, 'sign it.'  It was for our grandson who just graduated college."

Jenkins continued, "I was shocked.  I didn't think he stood a chance with all those White Devils running academics at that hotbed of racism and inequality called UC Berkeley.  They're not exactly known for tolerance you know."

The real shocker for Jenkins wouldn't come from his grandson's diploma.  The real "heart-stopper" came in the form of a seemingly innocuous greeting card meant to convey the heart-felt congratulations for a well-deserved academic achievement.

"I couldn't believe my ears.  The card seemed to be making light of Black Holes."

So, what's the issue with Black Holes?  The definition as stated in the highly reputable encyclopedia site Wikipedia, states:

A black hole, according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. 

 
"Black holes are always sucking on things and destroying stars' lives.  They're the whores of the universe and something every graduate should take seriously.  One back-seat ride through the galaxy could ruin a young man's reputation.  They're racist too.  Why do they have to be black?  Because a white scientist in a white lab coat said so?  How in the hell does he know? Is he the Black Hole's cosmic pimp?" asked Jenkins.

"This card can't be allowed to push it's corrupt message on the black youths of America.  Only God knows how much damage it has already done to young people thinking that Black Holes are good company."
  
Mr. Jenkins took this dire situation to the media, where he knew he'd get the word out.  ABC7.com has full coverage and the remaining story in the following video, including sound bites from the outlandish and wholly inappropriate greeting card.



Cynicus' Take

This type of paranoia and overreach just makes the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP look less relevant and more racist than ex-White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

Speaking of Helen Thomas - the dried-out windbag - did you know she started out her career covering sports? That's right, she covered the Ullamaliztli Ballgame Championship of 1442 A.D., and incidentally is when she lost her virginity - to the entire losing team as punishment ("a fate worse than death" as referenced by Aztec leader, Itzcoatl) for their shameful performance.

Back to the matter at hand.  The card's audio clearly says "hole" and not whore.  In a rational world this would be a non-story.  The press conference and sound bites from the video make me seriously wonder if the NAACP would have given two shits if there was such thing as a White Hole and they thought the card referenced a white "whore."

Even so, what's wrong with warning young people on the dangers of prostitutes?  Like Black Holes, they really can destroy a star's career, just ask Jesse James.

Perhaps to avoid future confusion we should shorten Black Hole to "Black Ho."  No one will ever confuse "ho" with "whore."

Tar Balls

What do Bill Clinton, the iPad, and Mr. Roger's sweater have in common?

I don't know either, but I bet the answer is a possible solution to this oil spill in the Gulf.  It's getting slick out there folks.  This mess is proving more unpredictable than the number of cars in Jay Leno's garage. 

Now they're saying that tar balls are washing up in Key West.  I don't exactly know what a tar ball is, but it definitely sounds sinister.  Like maybe something you'd find Amy Winehouse smoking or injecting (perhaps snorting in the most desperate of situations) in the lightless cellar of Camden Monarch in London.

BP.  British Petroleum.  Can someone please tell me what in Patrick Henry are the British doing in our waters?  I would have evoked Samuel Adams' name, but I don't want to change the subject to delicious lager.  I thought we were pretty clear a couple centuries ago about our sentiments towards the King's army. 

American Petroleum should be out there screwing up our natural resources.  Yeah, the AP.  No, that wouldn't work.  The AP oil company would just make up news.  You know, some boilerplate story like, "DEAD SHRIMP IN GULF BUSH'S FAULT!!!" or "GEORGE BUSH HATES GULF OF MEXICO!!!"

I saw a graphic today showing an ocean current carrying the oil slick across the Gulf, around Florida, and up the east coast of the U.S.  Maybe this is some beyond-the-grave conspiracy by our founding fathers to plunder the Brit's wealth and return it back home to the thirteen original colonies.  A reparation, if you will, for the accents they left behind in Massachusetts.  A second American Revolution!
  
"Cynicus!  What's your point?"

Hey, chill and slowly lower your Activia® filled spoon (Activia® is a great-tasting lowfat yogurt from Dannon® that contains Bifidus Regularis™).  There is no point.  This post is pretty useless.   It's not like I'm solving any problems here.  Do I read like the kind of guy that actually solves shit?

Maybe that's what this post needs.  It needs to do its part in helping to stop the leak and clean up our waters.  Here's my solution: SUVs.

That's right.  Smarter people than me are always saying that SUVs eat up gasoline by the gallons.  Just toss a few hundred thousand into the Gulf and let them get at it. 

"Where are we going to get that many SUVs?"

I don't know, I'm not the details guy.  I hear Toyota might have some great deals right now though. 

Post your solutions in the comments!

Eager Bieber

Is it just me, or is Justin Bieber taking over the world?  God damn.  I don't even know who he is, but it's obvious he has Google, Apple, and Disney as his publicity team.  Everywhere I look - American Idol, Twitter, FB, search engine results, entertainment shows and sites, and senior center message boards (both cork board and virtual) - the kid is mentioned, listed, posted, etc.

I hadn't even heard of the kid a week ago.  There's no possible way the Dark Forces aren't involved in this greatest push for stardom since the birth of the sun.  It's clear this much publicity and exposure can only be brought on by some apocalyptic, Mayan 2012, WWIII, evil empire conglomeration of prophetic badassness, not seen since JT was on the Mickey Mouse Club.

I still don't know what exactly it is that he does.  I think he might be a bowler or something:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POdRMwejcdw 


After watching that video I still don't know what he does.  Hangs out with his older sister? Are we to believe that "JB" and Ludacris are friends?  Well, I totally believe it.  What big name African-American rapper wouldn't want to hit the studio with a prepubescent playa from da burbs?  Major street cred y'all.  Holla atcha boy.


Note to my readers (all 1.5 of you):  Posting will be light or nonexistent for the next few days as I attempt to pull-off a near-impossible, self-imposed manuscript overhaul deadline.  A shout out to the beautiful Mrs. Sarcasmos as this will probably be the only communication I have with her for the next couple days.  Love you babe!
          


     

That's Mr. Kiddie To You

The latest seething rage all over the news networks this morning is a story about a child directing five flights from the air-traffic control tower at JFK airport.

Here's the link header from Fox New's homepage, Kiddie Controls the Sky at JFK:

In a recording that has been confirmed as genuine by the Federal Aviation Administration, the child makes five transmissions from John F Kennedy International Airport — with the pilots in each case all responding enthusiastically to him.

One conversation between the tower at JFK Airport in New York and a pilot goes as follows:

JFK TOWER: Jet Blue 171 contact departure.

PILOT: Over to departure jet blue 171, awesome job.

How dare those rebel pilots acquiesce to the ruse and "respond enthusiastically."  Why they should've crushed his aspirations to be like his daddy some day right there on the spot.

Within live on-air coverage, Fox anchors keep alluding to this as a prank.  A prank?  No I don't think so.  A prank would be if they let the pilots sweat a little by providing misleading instructions.  A prank would be if they stowed the kid behind the captain's seat and had him jump out mid-landing screaming, "Gotcha!"

Let me just say that I haven't seen this much overblown righteous indignation in the media since Chloe and Lamar kept their wedding private . . . until the airing of their show of course.


I don't see what the big deal is.  I think it's called bring your child to work day, right?

Dad:  "Hey Tony, this is little Johnny."
Boss Tony:  "Hey little Johnny.  Wanna operate the forklift today?"
Kid:  "Gee Tony, that'd be swell."
Boss Tony:  "Well get on it then kid.  Those pallets aren't going to move themselves."
. . . . Eight hours later . . . .
Boss Tony:  "You did great today kid.  Don't worry about Dan's leg, no one really likes him anyway."
Dad:  "Smoke up, Johnny!" 

I have two questions:  1.) Did the child communicate the proper instructions?  2.)  Did he communicate them clearly?

I understand there are - pause for dramatic effect - federal regulations with this sort of thing, but as far as I can tell the answer to these questions are both yes.  By these facts alone, this child is more qualified in effective communication than 80% of TSA workers.  This is coming from someone who was turned down for a TSA position (not sure what that says about me), so I know what I'm talking about here.

Question for the audience:  What job would you allow your savant child to do for you?

ATTENTION: GM & UAW PSA

I couldn't resist passing this along.  This article and imagery from Iowahawk ingeniously puts a satiric page to what I've been thinking all along in regards to the Toyota and Toyoda fiasco on Capitol Hill and in the media.  Here's a snippet to wet your taste buds:

That's right, mister!

The Axis automotive powers have declared war on American motorists and our cherished union-made way of life. They've established secret assembly beach heads in so-called "right-to-work" occupied Vichy states like Alabama and Tennessee, manufacturing six sigma deathtrap jalopies with hillbilly slave dupes paid less than prevailing wages!

And now Hitler and Hirohito have opened up a second front in their crazed plan for world market share domination right here in America's auto malls. Don't let those whimsical inflatable gorillas and wind-whipped plastic pennants fool you: lurking behind every Toyota showroom lies a rat's nest of fifth columnist and Jap saboteurs scheming to get you behind the wheel of a Tokyo timebomb!

  Read the rest of important PSA here:  Take That, Tojo!

James Cameron Turning People Blue

This article at Mashable.com reports that some people are experiencing depression after seeing James Cameron's blockbuster hit AVATAR: 

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora() and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it.. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ” - Mike

I can't say that I blame this guy.  I mean, who wouldn't want to live in a place chock full of lethal beasts, foreign militias hellbent on destroying your treehouse, and an indigenous populous who make Smurfs look like whiny little bitches?  The death and destruction alone is enough to inject my life with much-needed meaning. 

Well, let your troubled heart weap no more Mike.  There are places on this planet that can deliver the same awesomeness as Pandora . . . .

Six Real World Places More F-ed Than Pandora:
6.  Pakistan
5.  Congo
4.  Sudan
3.  Iran
2.  Somalia

And the number one location . . . .

HELLO, MY NAME IS SUPERBOY

Or . . . Why I’m Indestructible As Proven By the Media

I’m really beginning to believe that nothing can stop me.  I’m some sort of freak, one-in-a-million bio-conglomeration of naturally occurring antibiotics, antidotes, bullet-proof psyche, impenetrable skin, and titanium attitude all rolled into one badass super kid.  Why are you laughing?  You want proof?  Fine . . . here we go.


In the last decade alone I’ve avoided or overcome numerous demises as forecasted by Mr. & Mrs. Talking Head.  Just in the last year I’ve laughed in the face of the dreaded swine flu (also known as H1N1, or on Endor: R2D2), all the while sitting down to a nice dinner of honey-baked ham for Thanksgiving AND Christmas.

Before that was the catastrophic threat of Avian Bird Flu.  Never since Alfred Hitchcock films have birds been so scary.  I resisted all temptation to carry bread crumbs around in my pockets.

Around the same time as the bird flu was SARS. Don’t ask me what it stands for, because I don’t care (something to the effect of Severe–And-Really-Scary). You remember right? This was the one that had millions of people wearing highly-fashionable blue facemasks all over Asia, Canada, and the cafes of Mexico City. Psst! Versace. I’d get in on that if I were you.

Prior to the SARS “outbreak” was the widely feared West Nile Virus.  Exotic sounding virus + mosquito bite + color-coded state infection maps = apocalyptic pandemic.  I actually think I came down with this one, if a sore neck and fever in the middle of July is any indicator.  However, it didn’t keep me from participating in my sister’s wedding in a 19th century, non air-conditioned church.  Take that bloodsuckers!

Let’s not forget about Mad Cow Disease.  Not only did I not slow down my consumption of beef, but I spit in the face of the brain-rotting affliction by ordering triple cheeseburgers (I’ll worry about the triple-bypass later, or maybe I won’t!).  I’m happy to say that my cognitive processing is as quick as the processor of the computer I’m writing this on – damn, it froze up again.

Enough about diseases already, let’s move on to more nefarious afflictions of the new millennium:  killer wasps, killer bees, and killer Palm Pre’s.  Let’s also throw in killer trees for good measure.