Ureka!

According to a study done by scientists at the University of Liverpool, female mice are attracted to the urine of male mice.  The full article by Clara Moskowitz (pronounced MOUSE-Kowitz) can be found at LiveScience.com.  Here's an excerpt:

Hurst and colleagues studied more than 450 female house mice. The scientists exposed the mice to two urine scents – one from a male, and one from a female – and measured how long the females lingered near the smelly spot. In some trials, the mice were allowed to touch the scent mark, and in some cases only smell it.



"Contact with darcin consistently doubled the time spent near a male's scent," Hurst said. "Touching darcin with the nose also made females learn that particular male's odor, subsequently tripling the time spent near to the airborne scent of that individual male but showing no attraction to other males."

Analogous chemicals could be at work in human sexual attraction, too.

This is absolutely fascinating, but what exactly are we supposed to do with this new information?  I suppose this could be a major breakthrough for the relationship-challenged males out there.  They could mark their territory everywhere they go like a dog on a walk.  Instead of bushes, mailboxes, trees and fire hydrants, perhaps a little sprinkle on a bar stool or dancefloor would do the trick.  For the refined gentlemen looking for a good-girl, a dabble on the steps of the local library could bring about an abundance of seemingly random encounters at the study tables.

What am I saying?  Peeing in public is a ridiculous idea.  The more likely result of these research findings is that some slick marketers will pounce on the opportunity.  That's right.  They'll go out and find the alpha males of our society and bottle their potent love potion. 

Cologne is a big business.

"Cynicus, that's just as ridiculous.  No one's gonna spray urine on themselves."

Well not if you put it like that.  It's all about presentation.  Humans are suckers for a good pitch.  Read this list of potential products and tell me you can't see someone buying into it.  

COUNTDOWN!
The Top 7 New Brands of Cologne in 2011:

7.Ureka! by Brad Pitt

6. Piss Off by Colin Farrell

5. Freaky by Criss Angel

4. Swinger by Vince Vaughn

3. Pee Diddy by Sean Combs

2. Wonder Mist by John Mayer

And the number 1 top new Men's cologne to attract the ladies is . . .

1. Flow by 50 Cent

I'd include an Axe body spray product, but judging by the whorish attraction stunning females show towards the "every-day" guy in their commercials - that could elicit an allegation of false realism from Jenna Jameson - I'd say there's a good chance they're well ahead of the curve on this. 

Do you have any new cologne brand ideas?  Put'em in the comments!

Hung Like a Papuan

Hey everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Did you miss me?  No, I didn't think so.  I was on vacation.  There's nothing like driving for hours through desolate, lifeless landscape to clear the mind and get the creative juices flowing.  So what inspiration has my desert trekking and soul searching journey led me to? 

Enlarged sex organs, duh . . .    

From where else?  Reuters:

(Reuters) - Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto.  "If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."  The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training."

So apparently we're on the honor system, which invites an intriguing quandry for the police recruits:  confess you've had work done and fail to get the job, or answer no and admit your gun fires small caliber bullets. 

What's an ego-driven man to do?
  
You may contend:  'But Cynicus, just because they haven't had work done, doesn't mean they're automatically swift runners.'

False.  According to this article it's the societal norm for Papuans to gourd themselves:

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said.

Therefore, ipso facto, the pythagorean theorem applies.  If you're a cop in Papua, you're the perfect candidate for the 100M Hurdles - the landing gear is already up and prepped for flight.

So, what kind of classes are needed to become an expert on the itchy-itchy tree anyway?  Maybe the police officers can use this "gatal-gatal" on their hands and feet.  You know, to attract the ladies.

In all seriousness, this ban is perfectly logical.  Countless on-the-job hazards would undoubtedly arise  for these gorged and gourded gentlemen.  Here's a just few counted examples . . .

COUNTDOWN!    
Top 5 On-The-Job Hazards for Law Enforcement Officers Packing More Heat Than A Well-Endowed Habanero Chile:

5.  Their attempt to draw their weapon gets confused with an overt display of machismo when they grab the wrong gun, resulting in an escalation of an already dangerous situation.

4.  The physical inability to move their foot from the gas pedal over to the brake, resulting in the unintentional high speed chase - I like to call this one the Prius Effect.

3.  Confusion on the part of female culprits when they answer door and, after being handcuffed, officer doesn't break out boombox and remove uniform, resulting in psychologically damaging slander.

2.  Pursuit on foot is "hindered" by apparent "three-leg race" technique employed by officer, resulting in scrapes and bruises from officer stopping his fall and perpetrator getting away.      

And the number 1 On-The-Job Hazard . . .

1.  Elementary school Resource Officers are mistaken for sexual predators and are brutally beaten by good parents. 

Saturday Morning Special

From the Smoking Gun:

APRIL 14--A South Carolina man was arrested last night for striking another man in the face--with a four-foot python. According to the below police report, Tony Smith, 29, hit victim Jeffery Culp "in the face with the snake's head" following a dispute at a Rock Hill hotel

The police report . . . lists the "weapon type" used in the assault as "other."

Man, the economy must really be turning around if good 'ol boys from SC can afford such luxurious weaponry.  According to my research department and their extensive online, um, research, a python can range anywhere from 250 - 500 Australian dollars.  Which is really a value if you consider that outside of personal protection, a python can provide hours of viewing entertainment by remaining curled up and motionless within its cage.  Especially, if its owner is a redneck halfway through a case of Schlitz and whose beer holster is fully loaded (no need for a gun holster when you have a python).  And especially if you live in Australia (or Austria) where the Australian dollar is accepted currency.   

Yes my friends, gone are the bad economic days of baseball bats and Saturday Night Specials.  That's right.  We are in a new era of Saturday Morning Specials . . .

COUNTDOWN!

Top 7 Saturday Morning Cartoon Inspired Weaponry Doubling As Redneck Pets:

7.  Llama - they spit you know.

6.  Camel - they spit you know.

5.  Ostrich - not only will they run a human down and kick the crap out of them without breaking a feathery sweat, but they'll peck your unsuspecting prey's eyes and gouge their internals out with their massive talons - just for paybacks on that whole "bury your head in sand" phrase.

4.  Chimpanzee - them fu**ers are strong and are capable of removing human limbs.

3.  Kinkajou (aka "The Sugar Bear") - they may look cute, but don't let the name fool you.  Ask yourself, if they're vegetarians then why the need for those canine-like teeth?  Answer: to bite humans who think they're cuddly.  Just ask Paris Hilton. 

2.  Turtles - also known as Nature's Hookers, because they transport more disease than Jesse James' ex-girlfriends (now with less Nazi!). 

And the number one Redneck Pet/Weapon . . .

Breaking The Law

Breaking out of jail is for pussies.  It takes a man with heavy stones to break IN to jail:

(Reuters) - A Florida man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for trying to break back into the jail where he had been held following his conviction in a manslaughter case . . .

He apparently feared violent reprisals from family members of the manslaughter victim and suffered severe cuts when he tried scaling a 12-foot-high (3.65-meter) barbed wire fence to break into the jail.

Although I commend his conviction (pun intended), there has to be easier ways to get sent back to the slammer.

COUNTDOWN!

Ten ways to relinquish your new found freedom without breaking a sweat:

10.  Release a large metallic weather balloon into the sky and tell the cops a small child is on board.
9.  Party w/ Ben Roesthlisberger
8.  Hang out with the cast of Jersey Shore . . . just give it a few minutes, something's bound to happen (just try to avoid the hot tub).
7.  Photocopy a one hundred dollar bill (two-sided - details!) 100 times and then make a deposit.
6.  Don't have a copier?  Just show up to the bank with a clown's mask and/or Ex-President's mask on and shout for everybody to get down (seal the deal by having a large can of mace in your hand).
5.  Skinny dip . . . at the YMCA . . . right before youth swim class.
4.  Go for a scenic drive . . . on the tarmac of an international airport.
3.  Pee . . . on a cop car . . . with a cop (preferably two) in it.
2.  Cross the border . . . by foot . . . at the San Ysidro Port of Entry . . . with a pound of the freshest sinsemilla strapped to your leg . . . underneath a pair of neon-yellow running shorts.

And the number one way to remove yourself from society (again) and be placed immediately in lockdown . . .

Gold Medal Celebrations

The Canadian Women's Hockey Team knows how to party.  After winning gold, they treated the frozen pond like the lastest VIP-only NYC novelty nightclub.  The only thing missing was Justin Timberlake.

The International Olympic Committee will investigate the actions of Canadian women's hockey players who celebrated their gold medal victory Thursday night by swigging beer and smoking cigars on the ice in Vancouver.

Gilbert Felli, the IOC's executive director of the Olympic Games, said that drinking in public was "not what we want to see" from athletes at an Olympic venue. The organization will investigate the actions and will speak with the international hockey federation and Canadian Olympic Committee and ask them to "act accordingly."

It's their home ice - let them do what they do.  For all we know they smoke stogies and kick back brewskies after every practice.   

I don't know about you, but I'd like to see this kind of revelling from the other winning athletes.  Imagine how liberating it would be to see equally awesome celebrations from the other competitions.  Scratch that, it's not fair that I ask you to strain yourself on a Friday; therefore, I've come up with another COUNTDOWN!

Top 5 Classic Winter Olympic Gold Medal Celebrations You Wish Happened:

5.  1980 Men's Hockey - The USA Hockey team's infamous gold-medal victory over Finland, which followed the victory over the USSR dubbed the "Miracle on Ice," led to an even more stunning miracle of a celebration.  That's right God's Son Himself made a brief appearance to don the shocked players with their well-earned gold medals and even stayed long enough for the singing of our national anthem.  USA team captain, Mike Eruzione, was quoted post-game as saying, "I can't believe it.  I prayed for Him to be with us, but I never actually thought he'd make it to the rink.  You know, with the traffic and all.  It's a Miracle on Ice." 

4.  2002 Men's Speed Skating - After Apollo Ohno falls, Stephen Bradbury wins Australia's first Winter Olympic gold medal.  Within seconds, a crew of Australian lifeguards sporting speedos assist Bradbury in spreading 12,000 pounds of sand out onto the ice, building and firing up a "Barbie" pit - sponsored by Outback - on which a variety of native fish and steaks are grilled, and tapping into 13 kegs of that elusive gold medal beer - Fosters.  The party ended just in time for the Turino games in '06.

3.  1994 Women's Figure Skating - Defeating Nancy Kerrigan for the gold, Ukrainian Oksana Baiul grabs a bouquet of flowers from an adoring fan and clubs Nancy Kerrigan's good leg.  Although no physical damage was afflicted, the psychological affect on Ms. Kerrigan was undeniable as tears streamed several layers of makeup down her face.  Amongst the tears, she could be seen mouthing "why, why."  Oksana went on to do a traditional Ukrainian Folk Dance for the crowd, gracefully slicing-up Kerrigan's frozen tears.   

2. 1998 Men's Skating - Upon capturing the gold, Brian Boitano (from South Park fame) called the whole Jamaican bobsled team (Cool Runnings, mon) out on the ice to celebrate.  Although the Jamaicans did not medal - hell they didn't even finish - they were well-prepared to celebrate.  That's right, they converted their bobsled into the world's fastest bong.  What did Brian Boitano do?  He took a lung full a la Michael Phelps-style and blew out the ganj smoke in shapes of perfectly-formed hearts. 

And the number 1 Classic Winter Olympic Fictionary Gold Medal Celebration . . .

Killaraoke - Philippino Style!

You know you come from hard country when peeps be gettin killed for singing Sinatra classics:

"The authorities do not know exactly how many people have been killed warbling “My Way” in karaoke bars over the years in the Philippines, or how many fatal fights it has fueled. But the news media have recorded at least half a dozen victims in the past decade and includes them in a subcategory of crime dubbed the “My Way Killings.”

Karaoke-related killings are not limited to the Philippines. In the past two years alone, a Malaysian man was fatally stabbed for hogging the microphone at a bar and a Thai man killed eight of his neighbors in a rage after they sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” Karaoke-related assaults have also occurred in the United States, including at a Seattle bar where a woman punched a man for singing Coldplay’s “Yellow” after criticizing his version."

John Denver? Really?  I can understand Coldplay.  I mean, my blood pressure sky rockets just knowing they exist.  They suck more balls than Torrey Pines' driving range picker.  But John Denver?  He was such a nice guy.

COUNTDOWN - Top 10 Classic Feel-Good Songs Destined to Lead to Murder at Philippino Karaoke Bars:

Anti-Fortune Cookie

I went to a restaurant last night and received this fortune in a fortune cookie:

"You will be a winner."

Apparently this implies that I am currently NOT a winner, but not to fret, because one day I will be of some worth to the world.   This got me thinking of some other less-than-helpful fortunes that others might appreciate.

Top 10 Less-Than-Helpful Fortunes:


10.  "It could be worse."
9.    "Hang in there, mediocre times are just around the bend."
8.    "Play the lottery, it's your only hope.  Here's some random numbers so you don't have to rely on your own bad luck."
7.   "Happiness will occasionally be yours."
6.   "You will bring others joy when they laugh at you."
5.   "Hold on to your dreams, they'll offset the nightmares."
4.   "You'll be blessed with friends who are as miserable as you."
3.   "Chuck Norris can kick your ass, but then again, who can't?"
2.   "If you put money in your wallet, it won't be empty."


And the number one less-than-helpful fortune is . . .

James Cameron Turning People Blue

This article at Mashable.com reports that some people are experiencing depression after seeing James Cameron's blockbuster hit AVATAR: 

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora() and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it.. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ” - Mike

I can't say that I blame this guy.  I mean, who wouldn't want to live in a place chock full of lethal beasts, foreign militias hellbent on destroying your treehouse, and an indigenous populous who make Smurfs look like whiny little bitches?  The death and destruction alone is enough to inject my life with much-needed meaning. 

Well, let your troubled heart weap no more Mike.  There are places on this planet that can deliver the same awesomeness as Pandora . . . .

Six Real World Places More F-ed Than Pandora:
6.  Pakistan
5.  Congo
4.  Sudan
3.  Iran
2.  Somalia

And the number one location . . . .