Now That's Soxy!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Shining Sheen - Half A Man

My life is over.  What am I going to do without Two and a Half Men?

From TMZ:

Suddenly it's looking like Charlie Sheen may not re-sign with "Two and a Half Men"  Several sources familiar with the situation say Sheen likes playing Charlie Harper but he's thinking about "the next thing" -- though no one would be specific.

Does anyone even watch Two and a Half Men?  A show hasn't sucked this hard since My Two Dads, which pretty much has the same premise, but with two guys way cooler than Charlie Sheen. 

Which one's Charlie??

Well, no wonder he's agreed to do this show all these slow painful years:

Charlie stands to make between $60 - $100 mil for the next two years ... depending on how the negotiations go.

Jesus, I guess you'd need to make that much to justify ruining an A-list acting career. 

I almost feel a little sympathy for his little incident in Aspen last year.  It's possible that he and his wife got into an argument over something and to come out on top, his wife went for the nuclear option and said something to the affect of, "Oh yeah, Charlie? Too bad your pathetic little show has worse ratings than Fox and Friends!"  And poor old Charlie just snapped and tried to kill her.  Seriously, what self-respecting individual wants to be compared negatively to Fox and Friends?

Oh, there it is.  Our real answer to why Charlie's leaving the show:

"Charlie is really into his sobriety now," one source said, adding, "He likes the show but it brings back bad memories."

Right, so he sobered up, watched a few episodes, and realized how much of a boob his character is.  This makes perfect sense to me - unlike this show lasting as many years as it has.

Disclaimer:  Apparently many people actually watch Two and a Half Men.  People that I do not socialize with.  Everything I've written about the domestic situation is pure speculation.  I've actually never watched a full episode of this television series.  As a professional cynic, all I need is five minutes to determine whether something is killing my brain cells.  Yeah, a guy named Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, gets a lot of ladies - that's a stretch.

 

Hung Like a Papuan

Hey everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Did you miss me?  No, I didn't think so.  I was on vacation.  There's nothing like driving for hours through desolate, lifeless landscape to clear the mind and get the creative juices flowing.  So what inspiration has my desert trekking and soul searching journey led me to? 

Enlarged sex organs, duh . . .    

From where else?  Reuters:

(Reuters) - Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto.  "If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."  The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training."

So apparently we're on the honor system, which invites an intriguing quandry for the police recruits:  confess you've had work done and fail to get the job, or answer no and admit your gun fires small caliber bullets. 

What's an ego-driven man to do?
  
You may contend:  'But Cynicus, just because they haven't had work done, doesn't mean they're automatically swift runners.'

False.  According to this article it's the societal norm for Papuans to gourd themselves:

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said.

Therefore, ipso facto, the pythagorean theorem applies.  If you're a cop in Papua, you're the perfect candidate for the 100M Hurdles - the landing gear is already up and prepped for flight.

So, what kind of classes are needed to become an expert on the itchy-itchy tree anyway?  Maybe the police officers can use this "gatal-gatal" on their hands and feet.  You know, to attract the ladies.

In all seriousness, this ban is perfectly logical.  Countless on-the-job hazards would undoubtedly arise  for these gorged and gourded gentlemen.  Here's a just few counted examples . . .

COUNTDOWN!    
Top 5 On-The-Job Hazards for Law Enforcement Officers Packing More Heat Than A Well-Endowed Habanero Chile:

5.  Their attempt to draw their weapon gets confused with an overt display of machismo when they grab the wrong gun, resulting in an escalation of an already dangerous situation.

4.  The physical inability to move their foot from the gas pedal over to the brake, resulting in the unintentional high speed chase - I like to call this one the Prius Effect.

3.  Confusion on the part of female culprits when they answer door and, after being handcuffed, officer doesn't break out boombox and remove uniform, resulting in psychologically damaging slander.

2.  Pursuit on foot is "hindered" by apparent "three-leg race" technique employed by officer, resulting in scrapes and bruises from officer stopping his fall and perpetrator getting away.      

And the number 1 On-The-Job Hazard . . .

1.  Elementary school Resource Officers are mistaken for sexual predators and are brutally beaten by good parents. 

Plus-Size Models

So this story is about a week old, but I've meaning to get to it and this article at HollywoodLife.com reminded me of it.  Apparently the fashion industry, beginning with Prada during Milan Fashion Week, is ditching their "skinny" models for those overindulgent fat-cow Victoria Secret models. 

What gives?  Are they seriously trying to bring down the industry by placing those wretched beasts on the catwalks of Europe?  Everyone knows that the Victoria Secret catalogs being sent to millions of homes every, oh, three days or so, are only to make the homely housewives feel better about themselves by being able to purchase "sexy" lingerie that actually fits their unfit bodies - as demonstrated by the "Angels."

Okay, some kidding aside, trying to pawn-off Victoria Secret Angels as not being "skinny" is making the problem of how young women view themselves worse.  Think about it.  Being skinny is still the goal for millions of adolescent girls.  Skinny is "good."  Victoria Secret models are, according to all the lead designers, not skinny; therefore, to reach the goal of skinny, one needs to be lighter than a VS model. 

The right message too send is that VS girls ARE skinny.  The other models?   Well, other words and terms would be better to describe them.  Here are some:

• Wafery
• Two-dimensional
• Ultra-lights
• Emaciated
• Gauntly
• Withery
• Sickly
• Connoisseurs of crack and rice cakes

Anyone else want to add to the list?

Gotta A Dollar? No, Canadian

There seems to be quite the controversery brewing (eh?) in Winnipeg, Canadia this week for this questionable entertainment at a Churchill High School pep rally as reported by The Globe and Mail (w/Video):

A video, taken last Wednesday at Churchill high school, shows students giggling and gasping as their teachers dance in the gym at a pep rally. It shows a female teacher leaning back in a chair and the male teacher bobbing his head near her crotch

Sounds interesting, but aren't they a little confused on roles?  No wonder the youth of the northern territories are so ill-prepared for their south-of-the-border counterparts in the boardrooms of tomorrow.  Where has Canada's education system taken us?  Oh good, more details:

The routine began with the female teacher, sporting pigtails, seated on a chair, her legs spread, hips gyrating. Bumping beats played in the background and the male teacher approached between her legs, his hips swiveling to the beat

Ah yes, gyration and hips a swiveling.  Can we really blame these teachers?  The kids were the ones who dropped those "bumping beats" afterall.  I've been known to throw in a few thrusts when the beats get a bumpin.  The outrage on this is a little over-blown.  I mean, seriously, from the studies I've read this is just a typical Tuesday night for America's 3rd graders. 

But it went even further.  [Ed. - Sweet!]
The female teacher threw her head back and thrust her one leg out as the male teacher continued to dance over her. There was butt-slapping and further gyration. Then the man dipped his head down between her legs and simulated oral sex.

Now they're getting it straight.  You know, if I were a betting man, which I am, I'd say that this is Canada's top secret initiative to get one step ahead of the USA's Planned Parenthood's "push" for "intensive" sex education for children as young as 10.  Just when I think you crazy Canucks are too stuck in your little brother complex you really spin a doozy.  Kudos, Canada, kudos. 

“I would expect a higher standard from teachers in any school in Canada,” said the long-serving trustee and father of six children. “I want them to be role models for our kids. I want them to set the bar high.”

I concur Doctor.  Where are the head stands and full-on straddles?  The Winnipeg School District has a lot of explaining to do.  I bet Planned Parenthood has already worked that into their curriculum.


Z7VNXN6PKUS9