Tar Balls

What do Bill Clinton, the iPad, and Mr. Roger's sweater have in common?

I don't know either, but I bet the answer is a possible solution to this oil spill in the Gulf.  It's getting slick out there folks.  This mess is proving more unpredictable than the number of cars in Jay Leno's garage. 

Now they're saying that tar balls are washing up in Key West.  I don't exactly know what a tar ball is, but it definitely sounds sinister.  Like maybe something you'd find Amy Winehouse smoking or injecting (perhaps snorting in the most desperate of situations) in the lightless cellar of Camden Monarch in London.

BP.  British Petroleum.  Can someone please tell me what in Patrick Henry are the British doing in our waters?  I would have evoked Samuel Adams' name, but I don't want to change the subject to delicious lager.  I thought we were pretty clear a couple centuries ago about our sentiments towards the King's army. 

American Petroleum should be out there screwing up our natural resources.  Yeah, the AP.  No, that wouldn't work.  The AP oil company would just make up news.  You know, some boilerplate story like, "DEAD SHRIMP IN GULF BUSH'S FAULT!!!" or "GEORGE BUSH HATES GULF OF MEXICO!!!"

I saw a graphic today showing an ocean current carrying the oil slick across the Gulf, around Florida, and up the east coast of the U.S.  Maybe this is some beyond-the-grave conspiracy by our founding fathers to plunder the Brit's wealth and return it back home to the thirteen original colonies.  A reparation, if you will, for the accents they left behind in Massachusetts.  A second American Revolution!
  
"Cynicus!  What's your point?"

Hey, chill and slowly lower your Activia® filled spoon (Activia® is a great-tasting lowfat yogurt from Dannon® that contains Bifidus Regularis™).  There is no point.  This post is pretty useless.   It's not like I'm solving any problems here.  Do I read like the kind of guy that actually solves shit?

Maybe that's what this post needs.  It needs to do its part in helping to stop the leak and clean up our waters.  Here's my solution: SUVs.

That's right.  Smarter people than me are always saying that SUVs eat up gasoline by the gallons.  Just toss a few hundred thousand into the Gulf and let them get at it. 

"Where are we going to get that many SUVs?"

I don't know, I'm not the details guy.  I hear Toyota might have some great deals right now though. 

Post your solutions in the comments!

Melting Ice

This article at People.com draws our attention to some disparaging comments about uber-fab skater Johnny Weir made by some pseudo-French broadcasters:

Last week, broadcasters Claude Mailhot and Alain Goldberg of RDS, a French-language sports channel in Quebec, mused on air if Weir was unfavorably judged during one of his typically flamboyant routines because he wore a semi-see-through pink and black outfit. 

Okay, we have two French-speaking broadcasters, named Claude and Alain, covering men's figure skating.  So far things seem pretty standard.  But then they stray from the program after Johnny comes out with an outfit deemed a little two feminine by these two.

Looks like somebody gave them some bad info on the scoring categories, because they're obviously under the assumption that the judges score the effectiveness of the skater's apparel to, as they say, "pull the wool."

They didn't draw the same conclusion on the other competitors, so apparently, in their opinion, the other skater's costumes were up to heterosexual par.  Yes, because nothing says testosterone like lace, fringe, and sequins - as long as they are dark manly colors and not the least bit see-through.
    
Alain then dropped this golden muse:

. . . Weir's mannerisms might hurt other men competing in the sport. "They'll think all the boys who skate will end up like him," he said. "It sets a bad example." 

Yes, of course.  We wouldn't want any of our future playboys - who just happen to have an affinity for fabulous designs and dignified grace - off put by someone with similar tastes.  God forbid the boys with adequate levels of manliness - as decided by Claude and Alain - are pushed to something undignified like hockey.

The two then go on to suggest Johnny Weir be subject to a gender test.  I think somebody needs to "come out" of the broadcaster's booth.  They're clearly trying to deflect their insecurities about their own sexuality.

Mr. Weir responds:

"It wasn't these two men criticizing my skating, it was them criticizing me as a person, and that was something that really, frankly, pissed me off," Weir told reporters. "Nobody knows me. … I think masculinity is what you believe it to be."

Whoa there Johnny, let's not go overboard.  There is a definition to masculinity and your routine ain't it.  You're still a man, just not a masculine man.  But who cares?  Be your magnificent, 3-time U.S. Champion self and do what you do best.  Show the world what it means to melt the ice.