Tar Balls

What do Bill Clinton, the iPad, and Mr. Roger's sweater have in common?

I don't know either, but I bet the answer is a possible solution to this oil spill in the Gulf.  It's getting slick out there folks.  This mess is proving more unpredictable than the number of cars in Jay Leno's garage. 

Now they're saying that tar balls are washing up in Key West.  I don't exactly know what a tar ball is, but it definitely sounds sinister.  Like maybe something you'd find Amy Winehouse smoking or injecting (perhaps snorting in the most desperate of situations) in the lightless cellar of Camden Monarch in London.

BP.  British Petroleum.  Can someone please tell me what in Patrick Henry are the British doing in our waters?  I would have evoked Samuel Adams' name, but I don't want to change the subject to delicious lager.  I thought we were pretty clear a couple centuries ago about our sentiments towards the King's army. 

American Petroleum should be out there screwing up our natural resources.  Yeah, the AP.  No, that wouldn't work.  The AP oil company would just make up news.  You know, some boilerplate story like, "DEAD SHRIMP IN GULF BUSH'S FAULT!!!" or "GEORGE BUSH HATES GULF OF MEXICO!!!"

I saw a graphic today showing an ocean current carrying the oil slick across the Gulf, around Florida, and up the east coast of the U.S.  Maybe this is some beyond-the-grave conspiracy by our founding fathers to plunder the Brit's wealth and return it back home to the thirteen original colonies.  A reparation, if you will, for the accents they left behind in Massachusetts.  A second American Revolution!
  
"Cynicus!  What's your point?"

Hey, chill and slowly lower your Activia® filled spoon (Activia® is a great-tasting lowfat yogurt from Dannon® that contains Bifidus Regularis™).  There is no point.  This post is pretty useless.   It's not like I'm solving any problems here.  Do I read like the kind of guy that actually solves shit?

Maybe that's what this post needs.  It needs to do its part in helping to stop the leak and clean up our waters.  Here's my solution: SUVs.

That's right.  Smarter people than me are always saying that SUVs eat up gasoline by the gallons.  Just toss a few hundred thousand into the Gulf and let them get at it. 

"Where are we going to get that many SUVs?"

I don't know, I'm not the details guy.  I hear Toyota might have some great deals right now though. 

Post your solutions in the comments!