Go Compound Sand

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter

June 9 (CynicusNewsWire) - Today in economic news, the United States' national debt has been projected to hit $19.6 Trillion by 2015.  The country's debt was at $7.5 Trillion just last year.   

When an anonymous source close to the White House was asked to comment on the compounding figure he said, "Yes, this is all by design.  We're really doing our best to keep setting more records than the rising price of gold."

When informed that the national debt sets a new record every second, our source said, "Yes, well, we're very good at growing money.  Some of us have economic degrees from Harvard you know."

After having the fact pointed out that "debt" is the opposite of "growing money" the anonymous source was quoted as saying, "what, are you sure?" 

Yes, very much so. 

"Oh, [fudge]."

Yes, indeed, oh fudge. 

"Um, uh, don't worry.  We have it all under control.  We'll just print more money and, you know, uh, tax the shit out of business people.  To liberally quote our President, we'll 'kick some ass.'"

When offered that a reduction in government spending could play a major role in the overall solution, the White House source reportedly burst out in laughter which continued for several minutes until he fashioned a cigar out of one hundred dollar bills, lit it with a gold-plated zippo, smoked it, and then used the tip of his A. Testoni Italian leather shoe to crush the ashes out on the pavement.

"Don't be silly," the source said, the last wisp of green smoke drafting out through his stained front teeth.  "The people need us.  They'd starve without our generosity." 

Our confidential source was then picked up by a limo and dropped off at his office 15 feet down the street.

The American Diamondback was unavailable for comment, but his rattle could be heard echoing throughout the country.

Laying An Egg

Parenting advice from Reuters Health:

Spanking your kid could hatch a bully
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Punishing your toddler with a few swats on the rear may come back to bite you, a new report suggests.

According to the study, kids who were spanked often were twice as likely as those who weren't spanked to develop aggressive behaviors such as getting into fights, destroying things or being mean to others.

Oh.  My.  God.  I, was spanked as a child. 

Stay away from me!  I'm a monster just waiting to be "hatched" into a psychopathic, non-feeling and unsympathetic killer of all that is good and decent in the world.  I must go into hiding before my Jeckyll & Hide meets Incredible Hulk transformation ruins all that I've worked for in life.

I need to know more if I'm ever to concur this life-destroying affliction brought on by parental abuse.

Earlier research had produced similar results, but most had not taken into account how aggressive kids were to begin with, and other factors could have biased the results.

Although the new study doesn't prove that corporal punishment causes aggression by itself, it shows that the link remains even after excluding a broad range of possible explanations.

Seriously?  WTF?  I was about to stuff a duffel bag with Doritos, Vitamin Water, and leftover Taco Bell hot sauce packages and head for the mountains to find some deserted and decrepit cabin to live out the rest of my sorry life in isolation to avoid hurting the people I love.

Oh you mean to tell me that kids being spanked might already be aggressive?  Yeah, no shit.  Some kids are born assholes.  It takes a certain level of aggression to grab a chubby arm-load of your father's clothes and drag them outside, toss some starter fluid on them and set them ablaze. 

Although I have never attempted the above, I may or may not have tried to burn the house down at one point in my young life.  Also, to little Stevie, I apologize for punching you in the face when we were 3 - and after you brought me a gift - at my birthday party.

During both offenses, I tried to deflect punishment by out mad-dogging my ultra-aggressive father (Vietnam, special forces). 

He spanked the shit out of my ass - I think he might have even broken his hand. 

But I'll tell you one thing, I never tried to out-boss him again - ever.  I'm 32 years old and if I want to say no to even the most benign requests from him, I'll find a delicate way of doing it.

And this is their conclusion from this article???

Instead, many psychologists recommend time-outs and other types of non-physical punishment. If that doesn't work, Graham-Bermann said a parent might want to wait until his or her anger has blown over before talking to the child about the problem.

What a crock of shit.  Yes, I'm sure your 5 year-old will have a rewarding and enlightened discussion on the principles of right and wrong with you. 

"Children need guidance and discipline," said Taylor. "However, parents should focus on positive, non-physical forms of discipline and avoid the use of spanking."

I wonder if they mean like this:

 

Great Expectations

When it comes to the so-called "experts" and predicting anything (weather, unemployment figures, sales numbers, or any other indicators), the only consistent outcome is an unexpected one. 

"New claims for unemployment insurance rose by 11,000 last week, more than economists had expected."

So, the next time a prediction comes down the pike from the exalted experts, do what I do:  predict the opposite and take a shot everytime your figures are closer to reality than theirs - you're gonna need the 1.75L bottle.