Saturday Morning Special

From the Smoking Gun:

APRIL 14--A South Carolina man was arrested last night for striking another man in the face--with a four-foot python. According to the below police report, Tony Smith, 29, hit victim Jeffery Culp "in the face with the snake's head" following a dispute at a Rock Hill hotel

The police report . . . lists the "weapon type" used in the assault as "other."

Man, the economy must really be turning around if good 'ol boys from SC can afford such luxurious weaponry.  According to my research department and their extensive online, um, research, a python can range anywhere from 250 - 500 Australian dollars.  Which is really a value if you consider that outside of personal protection, a python can provide hours of viewing entertainment by remaining curled up and motionless within its cage.  Especially, if its owner is a redneck halfway through a case of Schlitz and whose beer holster is fully loaded (no need for a gun holster when you have a python).  And especially if you live in Australia (or Austria) where the Australian dollar is accepted currency.   

Yes my friends, gone are the bad economic days of baseball bats and Saturday Night Specials.  That's right.  We are in a new era of Saturday Morning Specials . . .

COUNTDOWN!

Top 7 Saturday Morning Cartoon Inspired Weaponry Doubling As Redneck Pets:

7.  Llama - they spit you know.

6.  Camel - they spit you know.

5.  Ostrich - not only will they run a human down and kick the crap out of them without breaking a feathery sweat, but they'll peck your unsuspecting prey's eyes and gouge their internals out with their massive talons - just for paybacks on that whole "bury your head in sand" phrase.

4.  Chimpanzee - them fu**ers are strong and are capable of removing human limbs.

3.  Kinkajou (aka "The Sugar Bear") - they may look cute, but don't let the name fool you.  Ask yourself, if they're vegetarians then why the need for those canine-like teeth?  Answer: to bite humans who think they're cuddly.  Just ask Paris Hilton. 

2.  Turtles - also known as Nature's Hookers, because they transport more disease than Jesse James' ex-girlfriends (now with less Nazi!). 

And the number one Redneck Pet/Weapon . . .

1.  Fainting Goat - what better way to distract your enemy so you can beat the crap out of them than a goat playing dead?