Hung Like a Papuan

Hey everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Did you miss me?  No, I didn't think so.  I was on vacation.  There's nothing like driving for hours through desolate, lifeless landscape to clear the mind and get the creative juices flowing.  So what inspiration has my desert trekking and soul searching journey led me to? 

Enlarged sex organs, duh . . .    

From where else?  Reuters:

(Reuters) - Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto.  "If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."  The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training."

So apparently we're on the honor system, which invites an intriguing quandry for the police recruits:  confess you've had work done and fail to get the job, or answer no and admit your gun fires small caliber bullets. 

What's an ego-driven man to do?
  
You may contend:  'But Cynicus, just because they haven't had work done, doesn't mean they're automatically swift runners.'

False.  According to this article it's the societal norm for Papuans to gourd themselves:

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said.

Therefore, ipso facto, the pythagorean theorem applies.  If you're a cop in Papua, you're the perfect candidate for the 100M Hurdles - the landing gear is already up and prepped for flight.

So, what kind of classes are needed to become an expert on the itchy-itchy tree anyway?  Maybe the police officers can use this "gatal-gatal" on their hands and feet.  You know, to attract the ladies.

In all seriousness, this ban is perfectly logical.  Countless on-the-job hazards would undoubtedly arise  for these gorged and gourded gentlemen.  Here's a just few counted examples . . .

COUNTDOWN!    
Top 5 On-The-Job Hazards for Law Enforcement Officers Packing More Heat Than A Well-Endowed Habanero Chile:

5.  Their attempt to draw their weapon gets confused with an overt display of machismo when they grab the wrong gun, resulting in an escalation of an already dangerous situation.

4.  The physical inability to move their foot from the gas pedal over to the brake, resulting in the unintentional high speed chase - I like to call this one the Prius Effect.

3.  Confusion on the part of female culprits when they answer door and, after being handcuffed, officer doesn't break out boombox and remove uniform, resulting in psychologically damaging slander.

2.  Pursuit on foot is "hindered" by apparent "three-leg race" technique employed by officer, resulting in scrapes and bruises from officer stopping his fall and perpetrator getting away.      

And the number 1 On-The-Job Hazard . . .

1.  Elementary school Resource Officers are mistaken for sexual predators and are brutally beaten by good parents.