Mouse Trap

The following is a news story from Reuters that has been heavily edited for the sole purpose of satire, in as such it should not be taken to contain any factual information, nor should it be construed by the reader to be anything but satire.  The original story can be found here.

FBI arrests two on Disney corporate espionage charges

(CynicusNewsWire) - A Walt Disney Co employee and her boyfriend have been charged with a covert corporate espionage operation in which they were attempting to steal proprietary information and sell it to Dreamworks Animation (DWA).

Disney said it was fully cooperating with an investigation into allegations by U.S. prosecutors that Minerva "Minnie" Mouse, an assistant to the head of business development, and boyfriend Mickey tried to sell future project documents to executives at Dreamworks for some serious cheddar.

"Any reference to there being an ongoing project relating to an animated film involving Vampires was and is false," said Disney head of Project Development, H.D. Pluto.  Mr. Pluto added, "As if, that would be so cliche, gaharharhar." 

Ms. Mouse is accused of giving confidential information about Disney's rumored project "The Vampire With No Fangs" to Mickey, who in turn tried to sell it to Dreamworks Animation, according to criminal and civil charges filed in Orlando on Wednesday.

Minnie and Mickey -- otherwise known as a washed-up film actor -- were arrested by FBI agents at their residence in Anaheim, law enforcement officials said.

In an FBI sting operation, undercover agents contacted Mickey, who in one email said he had learned Disney was in talks to purchase film and publishing rights to the Twilight series, a subject of wide speculation amongst the residents of Magic Kingdom.

"It's a total embarrassment for me and my feathered nephews. That such a prestigious brand would even consider inviting such unimaginative creatures to our world," said an inside source going only by the name of Don.

Another source who wouldn't stop bouncing around stated, "Some people around here are calling my friend-a-roos rats.  They're not rats, they're heros. Weehee."

Court documents said Minerva and Mickey conspired from 1972 through May 26 of this year to try to profit from confidential information available to Minerva as the assistant to an executive.  According to these court documents Ms. Mouse is on the record as saying:

"This isn't about the cheese.  Management decisions for the last four decades have been deplorable and have led to extreme brand malfeasance.  I haven't been given a new bow, or headlining appearance for that matter, since 1965.  Mickey and I are exposing the questionable content propagating from this corporation in hopes of returning our world back to what it used to stand for when Papa was still alive."

A statement from Robin Hood was incoherent because of incessant sobbing.  Hood did manage to squeak out through tears the rhetorical question, "f---ing Russel f---ing Crowe?"  Apparently he had just watched the new film and was inconsolable. 

The criminal complaint filed in Epcot federal court in Florida charged Ms. Mouse, 82, and Mickey, 82, with conspiracy and slander in allegations of illegal corporate espionage. The charges carry a maximum possible sentence of expulsion from all Disney assets and a forfeiture of all due royalties if they are found guilty.

They are scheduled to make an initial appearance before the honorable Queeno Harts in Los Angeles later on Thursday.