Oxytocin His Uncaring Ass

Ladies and Gentlemen (soon to be even more gentle),

I have some exciting news to report to you.  There has been a major scientific breakthrough that I truly believe will permanently bridge the rift that exists between man and woman.  Let me allow the esteemed Daily Mail the introduction:

Wish your husband or boyfriend would show his caring side more often? Scientists could have the answer to your prayers - and it's a lot simpler than you might think.

They have come up with a spray that makes men more affectionate and in tune with others' feelings. Just a puff or two of the so-called 'cuddle chemical' and even the most macho of males is as sensitive as a woman, they claim.

Can I get a soft and compassionate "Heck Yeah!?" 

Gone are the days of bickering over trivial issues such as whether or not to watch ESPN or E!, go shopping or go shooting, clean the gutters or sit around and paint each others nails.  Video games?  What are those?

You see Gents, just by giving a couple sprays up our unkempt and barbaric nostrils, we'll transform the world from one of heated arguments to a harmonious existence straight off the set of Sex and The City 2 (I call Charlotte!).

Won't it be absolutely Faaaaabulous girls?  I for one can't wait to see the new uniforms of our public figures.  I think Loro Piana scarves and Fendi handbags will bring a much needed "to-die-for" makeover of our servicemens' fatigues (not that we'll really need an army anymore). 

What could go wrong?  We'll both remember every single detail of everything that's ever happened between us for the lifetime of our relationship, so we'll be sure to frequently remember all the good stuff.  Since we won't be arguing about anything anymore, there'll be no need to bring up the bad stuff. 

And there's a bonus for the guys (sorry ladies).  Do you consider yourself a breastman?  Done.  Because you'll have an extra set to cuddle anytime you want!  Not that you'll really care about that anymore. 

The spray is based on oxytocin - a hormone naturally made in the body and involved in sex, sexual attraction, trust and confidence. It is released into the blood during labour - triggering the production of breast milk - and floods the brain during breastfeeding, helping mother and baby bond.

No news on whether use by already effeminate men will result in a pendulum-like swing to the manly side or if these poor "fellows" will just be paralyzed by emotion.


The ladies out there might question, "But what if there are guys out there that haven't been spayed, I mean sprayed?  Will they still be able to hurt us?"

Simple enough.  I am confident this discovery is going to open up a whole new industry of products, very likely lifting us out of our economic recession.  Products such as pepper spray replacements for those more aggressive members of society, like muggers, rapists, and salesclerks at Express For Men. 

Edibles are in line as well for the primitive meat eaters out there - oxyburgers, New York strip Oxy, etc. 

Fashionable drinks at the lush lounges?  Why not?  "Yes, I'll have an Oxymoron please.  With extra lemon wedge."

The possibilities are endless.  Just don't expect to get any at a moment's notice ladies.  We expect to be wined and dined.