A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Pre-Game Coverage

Well gang, another new sports season is almost upon us.  Can you smell it in the air?  It's the smell of blood, that special ingredient missing from baseball that keeps it a sport only worth watching on a hot, lazy summer afternoon as you doze off on the couch.  Blood is definitely not missing from this fall sport.  No it's ruthlessly splashed by the fried chicken bucket loads - along with vulgar insults, dirty tricks, below-the-belt attacks, broken bones, and fingers to the eyes and other exposed orifices.   

That's right, the 2010 midterm elections are almost here.  

The political season brings out individuals more bloodthirsty than a vegan vampire.  Speaking of vampires, this one-day event is preceded by 90 days of non-stop coverage by the media (Slogan: "We can make a turnip seem like breaking news."), where one can gain invaluable insight into ongoing debates on important issues such as immigration reform, renewable energy sources, and what Sarah Palin will be wearing.  

More importantly, through reasoned and civil discussion, but mostly anonymous TV ads, we'll learn who to blame for our problems.  From the oil spill in the gulf, to the state of the economy, to Justin Bieber's fame.  Nothing will be kept secret. 

So dear readers, we have a civic duty to tune into the cable news networks and stare at our television screens and monitors until we are fully informed on the issues and/or our IQ has dropped to that of a cast member of the Jersey Shore.  One unnamed political party is actually rooting for the latter - you know, new voters.    

Listen up folks, this is our big chance to vote out those old, corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards and replace them with young, more energetic corrupt, morally bankrupt, elitist blowhards.  If our country is going to be run by people who exercise the common sense of an olive (I would have compared them to my dog Gunner, but that'd be unfair - even he knows when his food bowl is empty), then it's going to be MY picks taking office.    

The conclusion of the midterm elections in November also kicks-off the highly anticipated "700 days of even more grotesque coverage", i.e. the 2012 Presidential race, where you and I will play an integral part in who becomes the next "Most Hated American!"  It's like So You Think You Can Dance, but with an age minimum of 50, an Ivy League prerequisite, and contestants are dancing around issues, not the floor.  No word yet from Simon Cowell's people on whether he'll moderate televised debates.   

"That was a terrible idea, I mean just awful.  My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in politics, don't."  

Speaking of debates, one of topics that will undoubtedly dominate the midterms will be the high unemployment rate, or as a politician will never put it, "a deficit in jobs."  However, there's some good news out there according to a news story by Ellen Wulfhorst (loose translation:  Horse Dog) titled North Dakota, Alaska Lead U.S. Job Creation, Study Says

A study I'm sure any incumbent with the common sense of an olive will be quick to point out and try to take credit for - possibly even the politicians from these two states.  The article details that North Dakota and Alaska have added the most jobs in the last five years at a combined 31,400, which is oddly close to their combined populations.  

So, if you're looking for work, why not pack up your family and give one of these two foreign lands a try?  Here's a brief profile of each state to further entice you:

North Dakota
State Motto:  "If you want to kill yourself out of boredom on the drive out here, you're halfway there!" and "No, we're not the one with Mount Rushmore."
Home of the:  "Fleischkuekle" - a deep fried entree of fleisch covered in dough.
State Mascot:  "Pavey" the desolate highway.

State Motto:  "Making Canadians look tan since 1867!" and "[sound of chattering teeth]"
Home of the:  Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race and the universally renowned Alaska Hummingbird Festival
State Mascot:  "Steven Seagal" for reminding the "lower states" that Alaska still existed in his 1994 film On Deadly Ground, which took place and was filmed within the state (rumors abound that Mr. Seagal's ponytail died of frostbite during filming and has been replaced by hair extensions ever since).

As you can see, the stakes are high.  We hold our very destinies with our votes and it's crucial we make the right decisions.  Lest we be forced to move to North Dakota and drown our country's sorrows with martinis - hold the olives.

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