A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Oxytocin His Uncaring Ass

Ladies and Gentlemen (soon to be even more gentle),

I have some exciting news to report to you.  There has been a major scientific breakthrough that I truly believe will permanently bridge the rift that exists between man and woman.  Let me allow the esteemed Daily Mail the introduction:

Wish your husband or boyfriend would show his caring side more often? Scientists could have the answer to your prayers - and it's a lot simpler than you might think.

They have come up with a spray that makes men more affectionate and in tune with others' feelings. Just a puff or two of the so-called 'cuddle chemical' and even the most macho of males is as sensitive as a woman, they claim.

Can I get a soft and compassionate "Heck Yeah!?" 

Gone are the days of bickering over trivial issues such as whether or not to watch ESPN or E!, go shopping or go shooting, clean the gutters or sit around and paint each others nails.  Video games?  What are those?

You see Gents, just by giving a couple sprays up our unkempt and barbaric nostrils, we'll transform the world from one of heated arguments to a harmonious existence straight off the set of Sex and The City 2 (I call Charlotte!).

Won't it be absolutely Faaaaabulous girls?  I for one can't wait to see the new uniforms of our public figures.  I think Loro Piana scarves and Fendi handbags will bring a much needed "to-die-for" makeover of our servicemens' fatigues (not that we'll really need an army anymore). 

What could go wrong?  We'll both remember every single detail of everything that's ever happened between us for the lifetime of our relationship, so we'll be sure to frequently remember all the good stuff.  Since we won't be arguing about anything anymore, there'll be no need to bring up the bad stuff. 

And there's a bonus for the guys (sorry ladies).  Do you consider yourself a breastman?  Done.  Because you'll have an extra set to cuddle anytime you want!  Not that you'll really care about that anymore. 

The spray is based on oxytocin - a hormone naturally made in the body and involved in sex, sexual attraction, trust and confidence. It is released into the blood during labour - triggering the production of breast milk - and floods the brain during breastfeeding, helping mother and baby bond.

No news on whether use by already effeminate men will result in a pendulum-like swing to the manly side or if these poor "fellows" will just be paralyzed by emotion.

The ladies out there might question, "But what if there are guys out there that haven't been spayed, I mean sprayed?  Will they still be able to hurt us?"

Simple enough.  I am confident this discovery is going to open up a whole new industry of products, very likely lifting us out of our economic recession.  Products such as pepper spray replacements for those more aggressive members of society, like muggers, rapists, and salesclerks at Express For Men. 

Edibles are in line as well for the primitive meat eaters out there - oxyburgers, New York strip Oxy, etc. 

Fashionable drinks at the lush lounges?  Why not?  "Yes, I'll have an Oxymoron please.  With extra lemon wedge."

The possibilities are endless.  Just don't expect to get any at a moment's notice ladies.  We expect to be wined and dined. 

Monday, April 26, 2010

Hung Like a Papuan

Hey everyone.  Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  Did you miss me?  No, I didn't think so.  I was on vacation.  There's nothing like driving for hours through desolate, lifeless landscape to clear the mind and get the creative juices flowing.  So what inspiration has my desert trekking and soul searching journey led me to? 

Enlarged sex organs, duh . . .    

From where else?  Reuters:

(Reuters) - Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto.  "If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."  The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training."

So apparently we're on the honor system, which invites an intriguing quandry for the police recruits:  confess you've had work done and fail to get the job, or answer no and admit your gun fires small caliber bullets. 

What's an ego-driven man to do?
You may contend:  'But Cynicus, just because they haven't had work done, doesn't mean they're automatically swift runners.'

False.  According to this article it's the societal norm for Papuans to gourd themselves:

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said.

Therefore, ipso facto, the pythagorean theorem applies.  If you're a cop in Papua, you're the perfect candidate for the 100M Hurdles - the landing gear is already up and prepped for flight.

So, what kind of classes are needed to become an expert on the itchy-itchy tree anyway?  Maybe the police officers can use this "gatal-gatal" on their hands and feet.  You know, to attract the ladies.

In all seriousness, this ban is perfectly logical.  Countless on-the-job hazards would undoubtedly arise  for these gorged and gourded gentlemen.  Here's a just few counted examples . . .

Top 5 On-The-Job Hazards for Law Enforcement Officers Packing More Heat Than A Well-Endowed Habanero Chile:

5.  Their attempt to draw their weapon gets confused with an overt display of machismo when they grab the wrong gun, resulting in an escalation of an already dangerous situation.

4.  The physical inability to move their foot from the gas pedal over to the brake, resulting in the unintentional high speed chase - I like to call this one the Prius Effect.

3.  Confusion on the part of female culprits when they answer door and, after being handcuffed, officer doesn't break out boombox and remove uniform, resulting in psychologically damaging slander.

2.  Pursuit on foot is "hindered" by apparent "three-leg race" technique employed by officer, resulting in scrapes and bruises from officer stopping his fall and perpetrator getting away.      

And the number 1 On-The-Job Hazard . . .

1.  Elementary school Resource Officers are mistaken for sexual predators and are brutally beaten by good parents. 

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Saturday Morning Special

From the Smoking Gun:

APRIL 14--A South Carolina man was arrested last night for striking another man in the face--with a four-foot python. According to the below police report, Tony Smith, 29, hit victim Jeffery Culp "in the face with the snake's head" following a dispute at a Rock Hill hotel
The police report . . . lists the "weapon type" used in the assault as "other."

Man, the economy must really be turning around if good 'ol boys from SC can afford such luxurious weaponry.  According to my research department and their extensive online, um, research, a python can range anywhere from 250 - 500 Australian dollars.  Which is really a value if you consider that outside of personal protection, a python can provide hours of viewing entertainment by remaining curled up and motionless within its cage.  Especially, if its owner is a redneck halfway through a case of Schlitz and whose beer holster is fully loaded (no need for a gun holster when you have a python).  And especially if you live in Australia (or Austria) where the Australian dollar is accepted currency.   

Yes my friends, gone are the bad economic days of baseball bats and Saturday Night Specials.  That's right.  We are in a new era of Saturday Morning Specials . . .


Top 7 Saturday Morning Cartoon Inspired Weaponry Doubling As Redneck Pets:

7.  Llama - they spit you know.

6.  Camel - they spit you know.

5.  Ostrich - not only will they run a human down and kick the crap out of them without breaking a feathery sweat, but they'll peck your unsuspecting prey's eyes and gouge their internals out with their massive talons - just for paybacks on that whole "bury your head in sand" phrase.

4.  Chimpanzee - them fu**ers are strong and are capable of removing human limbs.

3.  Kinkajou (aka "The Sugar Bear") - they may look cute, but don't let the name fool you.  Ask yourself, if they're vegetarians then why the need for those canine-like teeth?  Answer: to bite humans who think they're cuddly.  Just ask Paris Hilton

2.  Turtles - also known as Nature's Hookers, because they transport more disease than Jesse James' ex-girlfriends (now with less Nazi!). 

And the number one Redneck Pet/Weapon . . .

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Daniel Larusso For President

At the Nuclear Security Summit in D.C. yesterday President Obama bowed to Chinese President Hu Jintao.  This is the latest in a series of bows to foreign dignitaries that has our President's adversaries up-in-arms deploring his bad form. 

View the picture HERE.

I think our President is showing bad form as well, but not necessarily in the figurative sense.  No, I'm more insulted because he is LITERALLY showing bad form.  Any student worth his belt (J.C. Penny - $9.99) knows the universal creed of bowing:


I think President Obama needs a little instruction from the legendary Mr. Miyagi.

(Pat Morita - RIP)

Oh, one other thing.  Would it hurt if our President only bowed to people who bowed back??  What's the use in showing respect if you get none in return?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Laying An Egg

Parenting advice from Reuters Health:
Spanking your kid could hatch a bully
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Punishing your toddler with a few swats on the rear may come back to bite you, a new report suggests.
According to the study, kids who were spanked often were twice as likely as those who weren't spanked to develop aggressive behaviors such as getting into fights, destroying things or being mean to others.

Oh.  My.  God.  I, was spanked as a child. 

Stay away from me!  I'm a monster just waiting to be "hatched" into a psychopathic, non-feeling and unsympathetic killer of all that is good and decent in the world.  I must go into hiding before my Jeckyll & Hide meets Incredible Hulk transformation ruins all that I've worked for in life.

I need to know more if I'm ever to concur this life-destroying affliction brought on by parental abuse.

Earlier research had produced similar results, but most had not taken into account how aggressive kids were to begin with, and other factors could have biased the results.

Although the new study doesn't prove that corporal punishment causes aggression by itself, it shows that the link remains even after excluding a broad range of possible explanations.

Seriously?  WTF?  I was about to stuff a duffel bag with Doritos, Vitamin Water, and leftover Taco Bell hot sauce packages and head for the mountains to find some deserted and decrepit cabin to live out the rest of my sorry life in isolation to avoid hurting the people I love.

Oh you mean to tell me that kids being spanked might already be aggressive?  Yeah, no shit.  Some kids are born assholes.  It takes a certain level of aggression to grab a chubby arm-load of your father's clothes and drag them outside, toss some starter fluid on them and set them ablaze. 

Although I have never attempted the above, I may or may not have tried to burn the house down at one point in my young life.  Also, to little Stevie, I apologize for punching you in the face when we were 3 - and after you brought me a gift - at my birthday party.

During both offenses, I tried to deflect punishment by out mad-dogging my ultra-aggressive father (Vietnam, special forces). 

He spanked the shit out of my ass - I think he might have even broken his hand. 

But I'll tell you one thing, I never tried to out-boss him again - ever.  I'm 32 years old and if I want to say no to even the most benign requests from him, I'll find a delicate way of doing it.

And this is their conclusion from this article???

Instead, many psychologists recommend time-outs and other types of non-physical punishment. If that doesn't work, Graham-Bermann said a parent might want to wait until his or her anger has blown over before talking to the child about the problem.

What a crock of shit.  Yes, I'm sure your 5 year-old will have a rewarding and enlightened discussion on the principles of right and wrong with you. 

"Children need guidance and discipline," said Taylor. "However, parents should focus on positive, non-physical forms of discipline and avoid the use of spanking."

I wonder if they mean like this:


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Errant Missiles

President Obama intentionally walks invisible batter:

Smart, strategic play or metaphor for nuclear weapons policy?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Salty Aliens

One reason I didn't post anything on April Fool's Day is because 99.2% of the pranks employed around the world are downright weak.  The other reason is because I wanted to wait for the .08% to be reported.  Like this one:

AMMAN, Jordan -- A Jordanian newspaper's April Fool's Day report chronicling a late-night visit by 10-foot-tall aliens in flying saucers sparked public panic and almost led to the town's emergency evacuation, officials said Monday.

"Students didn't go to school, their parents were frightened and I almost evacuated the town's 13,000 residents," Mleihan told The Associated Press. "People were scared that aliens would attack them."
 I deem any prank that keeps children home from school as successful.  Double bonus points for pulling off the cliche alien invasion hoax. 

The story goes on to detail how this fake article "one-upped" last year's gag:

"The Al Ghad newspaper is still being condemned by some Jordanians for the prank it pulled off on April 1st of last year. The 2009 front page article reported that King Abdullah II, in an effort to spur more tourism from western countries, convinced parliament to go along with his plans to turn the Dead Sea into the world's largest Margarita.  The tag line of the ad campaign was 'One of the world's saltiest bodies of water is now the tastiest!'  The article continued to report the details of a major contract deal with Sammy Hagar, proprietor of Cabo Wabo brand tequila.  Coupling the majority Muslim populations' religious prohibition of alcohol and their equal disdain for anything related to Van Halen, riots grew quickly out of control in the streets of Amman leading numerous officials to proclaim 'No Mas Tequila.'" 
The above was made up of course, but now that we know Jordan is 70 years behind us in gullability (1938 War of the Worlds), I don't think this is that far-fetched for what we can pull on them next year. 

Who knows?  Maybe we can convince them that the Petra is being converted into new ultra-modern Jewish settlements.  
What awesome prank do you want to see attempted next year?