Maniac Drivers

If you’re like me and have an attention span greater than a standard keyboard, you also have probably noticed that there are a lot of bad drivers out there.  Luckily for us, I’m a trained journalist and have done some research.  By trained I mean I’ve become proficient with Google search. 

There are three kinds of drivers in this world: 1.) Drivers who go too fast, 2.) drivers who go too slow, and 3.) drivers who are completely insane, devoid of any rationality, and probably on the juice (anabolic and/or apple).  

You and I both know that we are always going the perfect speed for any given situation and we’re never the “jerk” out there.  So, this leaves us with only two possibilities for those who cut us off without using a turn signal, swerve across four lanes of highway to make an exit, or tailgate us doing 80 only to violently peel out from behind our car, drive beside us and flip us a spiny, calcium carbonate covered arm.

This culprit could possibly be someone from Green Peace, but they drive solar-powered vehicles made from hollowed-out trees incapable of going faster than a slug, so that leaves us with only one conceivable option – a Starfish.

You see, these oceanic creatures are not like you and me.  When we drive we generally recognize the existence of traffic law.  Oh sure, we don’t always adhere to the less significant laws such as stopping for red lights, but overall we’re courteous to one another.  Not the starfish.  The starfish’s sole purpose in life is to lie on the ocean floor and wait to be eaten and/or bullied by much stronger species – like the sea cucumber. 

So, it comes as no surprise that when washed up on the beach, these five-armed bandits jump at the opportunity for some action.  With a pocket full of sand dollars, they hot-wire the nearest car and set out in search of the closest casino to be reunited with their distant, four-times removed, cousin – the one-armed bandit.  It’s not all fun and games.  If the starfish fails to find a casino that comps drinks, they dry-out and die – hence the urgency and suicidal speed on the road.  The starfish’s favorite drink is a gin and tonic.           

Oh sure they look cute nestled in a tide pool, but get them behind the wheel of an F-350 and it's a totally different story.  Take it from me, twisted metal and dismembered crustaceans is not a pretty sight.  So when you see one of these drivers out there, lock up your lobsters and get to a safe place - such as your local aquarium - immediately.  

Why an aquarium?  I feel silly explaining this, because it seems so obvious.  Aquariums are correctional facilities for all sea-faring criminals and the last place any self-respecting Echinoderm would want to be.   

"But Cynicus, what if my town doesn't have an aquarium?"  

A town without an aquarium is a lawless outpost where a lemon shark named Sparky calls all the shots.  In this place, the Sushi holds the knives and the chef’s special is Turf and Turf.  In other words, not a place you want to call home. 

Be safe out there friends.  You never know when you’ll get in between a starfish and his favorite gaming destination.

Some of you may be wondering about other dangerous distractions with drivers.  A recent Pew research study found that nine in ten 34-45 year-olds drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time – very unnerving indeed.

My response to the survey is two-fold.  First, wow, I didn’t know starfish lived that long and, secondly, how do they get their appendages to dial such tiny keys?