Dirty Laundry

I'm sure most of you with any penchant for watching the news, reading the paper, surfing the net, or breathing have heard the big news story this week.  You know the one about the big name celebrity whining in and out of court, making a big fuss, getting a prison sentence related to their past drug problems, and just being an all around diva queen.

Of course, I'm speaking of Manuel Noriega.

Some of you may be asking, "Who?" and you'd be right.  Manny, as his homies call him, hasn't been walking the streets of Panama City since around the time Reagan was handing George "The City Slicker" Bush Sr. the keys to the oval office.

Some of you may be asking, "Reagan who?" and I'd say, yes he did say that once.

Seriously, if you don't know who our 14th President was, do what I did and "Wiki" him.  Or just learn about U.S. Presidents like everyone else and wait for Reagan's face to appear on currency.  The Million Dollar bill is slated to release sometime in late 2011, for which - thanks to Washington's budgetary policies - you could use to purchase a Ford Fiesta.  Or, after accounting for the upcoming Sugar Tax, a 32 Oz. Slurpee®.  And your 8th grade math teacher said you'd never be a millionaire.  The joke's on you Mr. Abernathy!  You can take that Quadratic Equation and stick it where the Pythagorean Theorem doesn't equal C squared!  

Back to our pal Manny.

Noriega had served twenty years in a Florida Prison for drug trafficking before being extradited to France earlier this year, where he was sentenced this week for using French wineries to launder money - more on that in a minute.  Apparently, back in the day Manny was doing business with the infamous Medellin (pronounced May - Day - YEEEN!) cocaine cartel.  For the Entourage fans out there, you know how menacing Pablo Escobar is thanks to Vincent Chase's portrayal of him in the fictionally fictional film, Medellin.  Those dimples could wet the britches of even the bravest diaper-wearing Colombian orphans.

As for the money laundering, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "Don" Noriega paid off some winemakers to filter the cash through their businesses to legitimize the revenues as coming from wine sales.

Unfortunately, you're embarrassingly wrong.  No, it's a long protected secret that French Chardonnay has certain properties that kill bacteria and remove stains from natural surfaces.  Believe me, I read it on Wikipedia.  The discovery of these acidic qualities lend credibility to the rumor that Chardonnay is the magic ingredient in OxiClean®.  You see, Manual Antonio Noriega is afflicted with OCD, which manifests itself in his obsession with germs.  Manny literally needed his money to be clean.  

You, the discerning reader, is probably by now screaming, "But what was Billy Mays' involvement with the May-Day-YEEEN cartel?"

Sadly, we'll probably never know.  However, what we have discovered is the answer to the age old question of why the French have such a bad attitude.  Answer:  their wine smells like sweat and tastes like hand grease from all those laundered bills.  To get that bad taste out of my mouth I'd smoke effeminate looking cigarettes and eat 7 year-old cheese too.

It's clear that Manual Noriega is the fall guy here and his 7 year sentence is to keep France's seedy secret from getting out.  Well, thanks to my superior search engine investigation skills, the secret is now out to approximately 12 more people.