A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Matthew Modine in Full Metal Scarf

Private Joker has to be joking when he sat down with CNN and after going into detail on theatre and communication and his Broadway play, threw this little love-nugget in: 

"Imagine if somebody were to really sit down with Osama Bin Laden and say 'listen man, what is it that you are so angry at me about that you're willing to have people strap bombs to themselves or get inside of airplanes and fly them into buildings.'  That would be the miracle if we could sit down with our enemies and find a way for them to hear us.

Um, PJ, I think he understands us and what we stand for just fine. That's why he's angry. He hates us for who we are and what we stand for.

You know, now that his message has sunk in, I'm going to change my tune.  I've responded like a neanderthal buffoon.  Listen man, this is the most enlightened thought I've ever come across.  I'm man enough to admit when I've been an illogical hatemonger. 

Speaking of Miracle Workers and communication, I nominate Matthew Modine to be our Northwest Pakistan Amassador.  Cleary the num-nuts in D.C. don't have a clue on how to communicate with truly misunderstood and peaceful men.

I'm sure Bin Laden will treat you with the same respect and compassion he would've afforded Hellen Keller herself if she were alive today. 

On the other hand - just as an unnecessary and unwarranted precaution - during your journey of rainbows and free-love you might want to wear a full metal scarf.  You know, just in case Binny and the boys get spunky and want to use a freshly severed head for a soccer ball - futbol for you more nuanced folks - in the graveled streets of Peshawar.   

Here's the video (quote at 2:12):

Friday, March 26, 2010

Breaking The Law

Breaking out of jail is for pussies.  It takes a man with heavy stones to break IN to jail:

(Reuters) - A Florida man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for trying to break back into the jail where he had been held following his conviction in a manslaughter case . . .
He apparently feared violent reprisals from family members of the manslaughter victim and suffered severe cuts when he tried scaling a 12-foot-high (3.65-meter) barbed wire fence to break into the jail.

Although I commend his conviction (pun intended), there has to be easier ways to get sent back to the slammer.


Ten ways to relinquish your new found freedom without breaking a sweat:

10.  Release a large metallic weather balloon into the sky and tell the cops a small child is on board.
9.  Party w/ Ben Roesthlisberger
8.  Hang out with the cast of Jersey Shore . . . just give it a few minutes, something's bound to happen (just try to avoid the hot tub).
7.  Photocopy a one hundred dollar bill (two-sided - details!) 100 times and then make a deposit.
6.  Don't have a copier?  Just show up to the bank with a clown's mask and/or Ex-President's mask on and shout for everybody to get down (seal the deal by having a large can of mace in your hand).
5.  Skinny dip . . . at the YMCA . . . right before youth swim class.
4.  Go for a scenic drive . . . on the tarmac of an international airport.
3.  Pee . . . on a cop car . . . with a cop (preferably two) in it.
2.  Cross the border . . . by foot . . . at the San Ysidro Port of Entry . . . with a pound of the freshest sinsemilla strapped to your leg . . . underneath a pair of neon-yellow running shorts.

And the number one way to remove yourself from society (again) and be placed immediately in lockdown . . .

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fish Food

It seems the Euro-Weenies are taking a hard stance against piracy off the coast of Somalia.  From the AP via Fox news:

NAIROBI, Kenya -- In the first killing of its kind, private security contractors shot dead a Somali pirate in a clash that left two skiffs riddled with bullet holes, officials said Wednesday.
The killing raises questions over who has jurisdiction over a growing army of armed guards on merchant ships flying flags from many nations.

Ooooh. "Growing army of armed guards" sounds so sinister. Sinister enough for an acronym I think. Let's refer to them as the GAAGs from now on.
But the bureaucrats are concerned with regulation and investigations:

There's currently no regulation of private security onboard ships, no guidelines about who is responsible in case of an attack, and no industrywide standards, said piracy expert Roger Middleton from the British think tank Chatham House.
"This will be scrutinized very closely," said Arvinder Sambei, a legal consultant for the U.N.'s anti-piracy program. "There's always been concern about these (private security) companies. Who are they responsible to? ... The bottom line is somebody has been killed and someone has to give an accounting of that."

Who's responsible?  Great question.  Let's start with the attack itself:
Now is it the boat captain for steering his ship into the wrong neighborhood of international waters? He should have known better after all. 

Or is it those renegade GAAG members, who just ask to be attacked by their very existence?  Seriously, arming yourself heavily just invites violence.  Why would someone want to run up on an unarmed crew and handily steal and pillage when they could have the challenge of dodging a hail of bullets Frogger-stlye.  The real possibility of death and dismemberment makes the game so much more fun!

Then there's those Pirate fellas.  They couldn't possibly be at fault.  No, who could blame them - they're just trying to feed their families with the millions in ransom money they're attempting to pilfer from the free world.   Add the lure of reciprocating violence and the chance of an attack not occurring goes to zero.  They're the real victims here.      

Now to the responsibility of investigations.  A Pirate was sent back to where he belongs and "someone has to give an accounting of that."  Right.  Well, seems like the best solution is to just get rid of security, that way we won't have to have an investigation, just a messy, but paperless, clean-up job of the wasted crew.

Violent confrontations between ships and pirates are on the rise. Crews are becoming adept at repelling attacks by pirates and many more ship owners are using private security guards.

Yes, we'd all be a lot better off if we'd just stop repelling Pirate attacks and let them rape us of our wealth, because that'll definitely temper the "rise" in violent confrontations. 

The International Maritime Bureau says 39 ships were fired off Somalia and in the Gulf of Aden in 2008, but that number increased to 114 ships by 2009.

I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the $80 million in ransom paid during 2008.

Several organizations, including the International Maritime Bureau, have expressed fears that the use of armed security contractors could encourage pirates to be more violent in their approach.

Question:  How can a Pirate be more violent in his approach if you freed him of his head during the last incident??

Monday, March 22, 2010

Float Like A Butterfly

I think I may have found a new line of work - healthcare:

Bee sting therapy, which involves placing live bees on a patient's body at certain pressure points, dates back over 3,000 years in China and was considered legal in 2007.

It is similar to acupuncture in that it uses bees stingers instead of needles and the same principles, but the bees' toxin, which doctors say is a natural medicine, is essential, making the treatment like an injection.

Doctors at the Kang Tai Bee Clinic, a traditional Chinese medical facility in northeast Beijing, say the therapy has proved effective in curing diseases such as rheumatism and arthritis, as well as a list of other ailments.
You may be thinking, "You can't be serious Cynicus.  The passionate and progressive people of the United States would never accept this, the senseless death of thousands of precious and innocent insects just for the sake of temporarily subsiding our selfish pain.  Insects who pollinate our fruit crops nonetheless.  Save the Bees!" 

Yeah, you're right and I don't really want to keep 10,000 bees in my backyard.

You may then ask, "But Cynicus, what methods of pain-reduction will we deem socially acceptable?" 

One need not look farther than the latest action flick. 

"Pure, unadulterated, bone-on-bone violence?" you ask. 


As a certified Black Belt I am, with 100 percent certainty, certain I can replicate the healing effects of bee stings with precise and direct force.  I'll even undercut the Chinese by three bucks.

Some patients even travel long distances from remote areas of China to try out the unique treatment, which at around 120 yuan ($18), is much cheaper than most conventional medical treatments.

That's right.  For a mere $15 (soon to be worth even less if when the Chinese recall our loans) you too can say goodbye to your painful ailments.

"How does it work?"

Me:  Welcome to the Healing Butterfly Pain Treatment Center.  Where do you feel pain?

"Dr. Sarcasmos, the tendinitis in my knee is killing me."

Me:  Which knee?

"It's this . . ." CRACK (sound of knive-hand breaking the sound barrier and penetrating the muscle and tendon at the back of suspect knee)

Me:  How does your knee feel now?

"All I feel is the muscle-aching, tendon-slicing, and bone-crushing trauma of your epic blow, possible only by many years of training and bloodletting at the local Do-jang.  I'm cured!  Oh thank you Dr. Sarcasmos."

Me:  Exactly.  That'll be 100 yuan.   

With one simple entrepreneurial uppercut to Big Pharma, Big Insurance, and Big Government, I have single-handedly (or single-footedly - your preference) done more to reduce the costs of healthcare for the American people than the 2,000+ page bill that was passed by the House yesterday. 

Friday, March 19, 2010


I had this lovely little soothing exchange with my file back-up provider today.  In fear of retribution (they have a lot of my important documents) I'll avoid officially exposing the company - I'll just say that their name sounds a lot like Carbonate.

Me: Dear Carbonate, when I log into Remote Access none of my folders or files show up.

Nigel: Dear Matt, here are the instructions to log into the Remote Access area so that you can view your files.

Me: Dear Nigel, thanks for the incredibly useful info, but I already did that and my folders and files are not showing up.

Martha: Dear Matt, we have reviewed your account and it indicates that you are using Mozilla Firefox for access. Therefore we suggest you to use a different browser like Internet Explorer.

Me: Dear Martha, I am in fact using Internet Explorer, so this can’t be the issue. At home all of my files show as being backed-up (green), but when I log on remotely they don’t show up at all.  No files show up. Where are my files?

Pryce:  After reviewing your account, it indicates that you have installed one year subscription on 8/20/2009. You have 224 days left for your subscription to get expired.  You can use Remote file Access on any computer which is connected to the internet. Here are the instructions to access your files . . .

Me:  Dear Pryce, you're probably right, I don't really need to access my files.  Why would I want to go and do something productive when I can write several emails to you and the gang at Carbonate or write another post for my blog.  Well, it's been a real pleasure having you and your friends show me how stupid I am for clearly not being able to enter my email and password to login to my account.  What would I do without you guys and your cut and paste login insruction emails.  You're the best!

Oh, and go tell Nigel and Martha not to fret over hiding behind fake names, because I for one think they're totally believable. 

. . . I feel a burp coming on. 

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Toking Down Wal-Mart

I've never been a flat-out enemy of Wal-mart.  They provide a lot of products and services to people in this country that might not otherwise be able to afford them - not to mention employment for tens of thousands of Americans. 

But, after this little stunt, I'm more pissed off at them than this guy.  Here's the jist:

A Walmart employee with sinus cancer and an inoperable brain tumor who was fired for using medical marijuana will not be rehired, even though the company says it is "sympathetic" to his condition.

Joseph Casias, 29, was fired in November from a Walmart store in Battle Creek, Mich., after marijuana was detected in a routine drug screening that he underwent after he sprained his knee at work.

Casias, who was the store's 2008 associate of the year, said he legally used marijuana to reduce pain associated with his disease and was never under the influence while at work.

One might question why exactly someone with an inoperable brain tumor would want to live out their final days working at Wal-Mart when already collecting unemployment benefits, but the dude wants his job back.  And that's all that should matter.  Consider it a final wish if it is indeed a fatal condition. 

If the circumstances aren't fatal, then all the more reason for the need to work and pay for the medicine needed to manage the symptoms (pain, headaches, etc.). 

Whether or not he was under the influence while working is irrelevant to me.  Everyone knows that out of the ten million people shopping Wal-Mart on any given day, 9,874,000 are higher than Doug Benson at 4:20.  The remaining 126,000 people have run into a dry spell, which is probably why they went to Wal-Mart in the first place, hoping to run into an extra "nice" friend.

The company spokesman had this to say:

. . . we have to consider the overall safety of our customers and associates, including Mr. Casias, when making a difficult decision like this."  

Safety of your customers?  What's he going to do?  Block the snack food aisle and shut off the video game consoles?

He's your 2008 Associate of the Year for Christ's sake!  Which is probably directly related to his ability to interact with your patrons with outstanding customer service - he knows and understands your customer base better than you could ever hope to from your boardroom.  Unless of course this boardroom happens to share the same venilation system as the editors' boardroom at High Times. 

Let the Pot Protests commence.  April 20th perhaps?? Throngs of stoners will advance upon the parking lots of Wal-Mart all across the nation . . . oh shit.  Pure genius.  It just occurred to me that they're doing this on purpose.  Why you ask?  Two words: more customers.   

Now that's what I call Grassroots Marketing. 


Thursday, March 11, 2010

American Idol Bunch

Q:  What do American Idol and the Brady Bunch have in common?

In picture form . . .

A1:  Peter Brady

A2:  Bobby Brady

A3:  Cindy Brady (as an adult)

A4:  Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

A5:  Alice

And the winner . . . Mrs. Brady

I rest my case your honor.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lutraphobia Is Not A Joke

And you thought I was kidding in the blog's tagline.  From WTSP.com

Authorities say 96-year-old Morrell Denton was out for a stroll when the otter came out of nearby brush and knocked down Denton. 36-year-old Christopher Janssen and another man tried to fend off the animal's attack.

11 minutes of unending terror.  Listen to it all . . . if you can:

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Lohan Has Baby!

. . . it looks like she gave birth to herself. 

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan wants $100 million from E*TRADE -- because she believes their "milkaholic" baby featured in their Super Bowl commercial was modeled after her . . .  she claims E*TRADE violated Lohan's rights by using her "name and characterization" in business without paying her or getting her approval.

Okay, so she may have a case on the "characterization" aspect of the suit.  The paparazzi does have extensive evidence in the form of video and photos of Ms. Lohan drooling excessively and exhibiting underdeveloped motor skills.  But "name" violation?  Here's what her lawyer said about that:
Stephanie Ovadia, tells TMZ it doesn't matter that the commercial doesn't mention the name Lohan, adding, "Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna? Same thing."

Okay counselor, I'm sold.  When is the "Lindsay" (aka no Lohan needed) billion dollar franchise being launched?  Speaking of Oprah and Madonna, could any two names be more cliche?  I'd bet they're number 1 and 2 respectively on the most popular baby names' list.

. . . looks like someone needs to take their Risperidone.

Why is she so upset anyway?  Being falsely labeled a milkaholic is much better than the truth of her bumpy past.

Ovadia had no comment on the "milkaholic" reference, saying "If you look at the commercial as a whole, it's Lindsay Lohan."

Well, finally we can agree on something.  I too see a baby. 

Read more from TMZ

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Eager Bieber

Is it just me, or is Justin Bieber taking over the world?  God damn.  I don't even know who he is, but it's obvious he has Google, Apple, and Disney as his publicity team.  Everywhere I look - American Idol, Twitter, FB, search engine results, entertainment shows and sites, and senior center message boards (both cork board and virtual) - the kid is mentioned, listed, posted, etc.

I hadn't even heard of the kid a week ago.  There's no possible way the Dark Forces aren't involved in this greatest push for stardom since the birth of the sun.  It's clear this much publicity and exposure can only be brought on by some apocalyptic, Mayan 2012, WWIII, evil empire conglomeration of prophetic badassness, not seen since JT was on the Mickey Mouse Club.

I still don't know what exactly it is that he does.  I think he might be a bowler or something:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POdRMwejcdw 

After watching that video I still don't know what he does.  Hangs out with his older sister? Are we to believe that "JB" and Ludacris are friends?  Well, I totally believe it.  What big name African-American rapper wouldn't want to hit the studio with a prepubescent playa from da burbs?  Major street cred y'all.  Holla atcha boy.

Note to my readers (all 1.5 of you):  Posting will be light or nonexistent for the next few days as I attempt to pull-off a near-impossible, self-imposed manuscript overhaul deadline.  A shout out to the beautiful Mrs. Sarcasmos as this will probably be the only communication I have with her for the next couple days.  Love you babe!


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Plus-Size Models

So this story is about a week old, but I've meaning to get to it and this article at HollywoodLife.com reminded me of it.  Apparently the fashion industry, beginning with Prada during Milan Fashion Week, is ditching their "skinny" models for those overindulgent fat-cow Victoria Secret models. 

What gives?  Are they seriously trying to bring down the industry by placing those wretched beasts on the catwalks of Europe?  Everyone knows that the Victoria Secret catalogs being sent to millions of homes every, oh, three days or so, are only to make the homely housewives feel better about themselves by being able to purchase "sexy" lingerie that actually fits their unfit bodies - as demonstrated by the "Angels."

Okay, some kidding aside, trying to pawn-off Victoria Secret Angels as not being "skinny" is making the problem of how young women view themselves worse.  Think about it.  Being skinny is still the goal for millions of adolescent girls.  Skinny is "good."  Victoria Secret models are, according to all the lead designers, not skinny; therefore, to reach the goal of skinny, one needs to be lighter than a VS model. 

The right message too send is that VS girls ARE skinny.  The other models?   Well, other words and terms would be better to describe them.  Here are some:

  • Wafery
  • Two-dimensional
  • Ultra-lights
  • Emaciated
  • Gauntly
  • Withery
  • Sickly
  • Connoisseurs of crack and rice cakes

Anyone else want to add to the list?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

That's Mr. Kiddie To You

The latest seething rage all over the news networks this morning is a story about a child directing five flights from the air-traffic control tower at JFK airport.

Here's the link header from Fox New's homepage, Kiddie Controls the Sky at JFK:

In a recording that has been confirmed as genuine by the Federal Aviation Administration, the child makes five transmissions from John F Kennedy International Airport — with the pilots in each case all responding enthusiastically to him.
One conversation between the tower at JFK Airport in New York and a pilot goes as follows:
JFK TOWER: Jet Blue 171 contact departure.
PILOT: Over to departure jet blue 171, awesome job.

How dare those rebel pilots acquiesce to the ruse and "respond enthusiastically."  Why they should've crushed his aspirations to be like his daddy some day right there on the spot.

Within live on-air coverage, Fox anchors keep alluding to this as a prank.  A prank?  No I don't think so.  A prank would be if they let the pilots sweat a little by providing misleading instructions.  A prank would be if they stowed the kid behind the captain's seat and had him jump out mid-landing screaming, "Gotcha!"

Let me just say that I haven't seen this much overblown righteous indignation in the media since Chloe and Lamar kept their wedding private . . . until the airing of their show of course.

I don't see what the big deal is.  I think it's called bring your child to work day, right?

Dad:  "Hey Tony, this is little Johnny."
Boss Tony:  "Hey little Johnny.  Wanna operate the forklift today?"
Kid:  "Gee Tony, that'd be swell."
Boss Tony:  "Well get on it then kid.  Those pallets aren't going to move themselves."
. . . . Eight hours later . . . .
Boss Tony:  "You did great today kid.  Don't worry about Dan's leg, no one really likes him anyway."
Dad:  "Smoke up, Johnny!" 

I have two questions:  1.) Did the child communicate the proper instructions?  2.)  Did he communicate them clearly?

I understand there are - pause for dramatic effect - federal regulations with this sort of thing, but as far as I can tell the answer to these questions are both yes.  By these facts alone, this child is more qualified in effective communication than 80% of TSA workers.  This is coming from someone who was turned down for a TSA position (not sure what that says about me), so I know what I'm talking about here.

Question for the audience:  What job would you allow your savant child to do for you?