A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Melting Ice

This article at People.com draws our attention to some disparaging comments about uber-fab skater Johnny Weir made by some pseudo-French broadcasters:

Last week, broadcasters Claude Mailhot and Alain Goldberg of RDS, a French-language sports channel in Quebec, mused on air if Weir was unfavorably judged during one of his typically flamboyant routines because he wore a semi-see-through pink and black outfit. 

Okay, we have two French-speaking broadcasters, named Claude and Alain, covering men's figure skating.  So far things seem pretty standard.  But then they stray from the program after Johnny comes out with an outfit deemed a little two feminine by these two.

Looks like somebody gave them some bad info on the scoring categories, because they're obviously under the assumption that the judges score the effectiveness of the skater's apparel to, as they say, "pull the wool."

They didn't draw the same conclusion on the other competitors, so apparently, in their opinion, the other skater's costumes were up to heterosexual par.  Yes, because nothing says testosterone like lace, fringe, and sequins - as long as they are dark manly colors and not the least bit see-through.
Alain then dropped this golden muse:
. . . Weir's mannerisms might hurt other men competing in the sport. "They'll think all the boys who skate will end up like him," he said. "It sets a bad example." 
Yes, of course.  We wouldn't want any of our future playboys - who just happen to have an affinity for fabulous designs and dignified grace - off put by someone with similar tastes.  God forbid the boys with adequate levels of manliness - as decided by Claude and Alain - are pushed to something undignified like hockey.

The two then go on to suggest Johnny Weir be subject to a gender test.  I think somebody needs to "come out" of the broadcaster's booth.  They're clearly trying to deflect their insecurities about their own sexuality.

Mr. Weir responds:

"It wasn't these two men criticizing my skating, it was them criticizing me as a person, and that was something that really, frankly, pissed me off," Weir told reporters. "Nobody knows me. … I think masculinity is what you believe it to be."

Whoa there Johnny, let's not go overboard.  There is a definition to masculinity and your routine ain't it.  You're still a man, just not a masculine man.  But who cares?  Be your magnificent, 3-time U.S. Champion self and do what you do best.  Show the world what it means to melt the ice.

Saturday, February 27, 2010


I couldn't resist passing this along.  This article and imagery from Iowahawk ingeniously puts a satiric page to what I've been thinking all along in regards to the Toyota and Toyoda fiasco on Capitol Hill and in the media.  Here's a snippet to wet your taste buds:

That's right, mister!
The Axis automotive powers have declared war on American motorists and our cherished union-made way of life. They've established secret assembly beach heads in so-called "right-to-work" occupied Vichy states like Alabama and Tennessee, manufacturing six sigma deathtrap jalopies with hillbilly slave dupes paid less than prevailing wages!
And now Hitler and Hirohito have opened up a second front in their crazed plan for world market share domination right here in America's auto malls. Don't let those whimsical inflatable gorillas and wind-whipped plastic pennants fool you: lurking behind every Toyota showroom lies a rat's nest of fifth columnist and Jap saboteurs scheming to get you behind the wheel of a Tokyo timebomb!

  Read the rest of important PSA here:  Take That, Tojo!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Gold Medal Celebrations

The Canadian Women's Hockey Team knows how to party.  After winning gold, they treated the frozen pond like the lastest VIP-only NYC novelty nightclub.  The only thing missing was Justin Timberlake.

The International Olympic Committee will investigate the actions of Canadian women's hockey players who celebrated their gold medal victory Thursday night by swigging beer and smoking cigars on the ice in Vancouver.

Gilbert Felli, the IOC's executive director of the Olympic Games, said that drinking in public was "not what we want to see" from athletes at an Olympic venue. The organization will investigate the actions and will speak with the international hockey federation and Canadian Olympic Committee and ask them to "act accordingly."

It's their home ice - let them do what they do.  For all we know they smoke stogies and kick back brewskies after every practice.   

I don't know about you, but I'd like to see this kind of revelling from the other winning athletes.  Imagine how liberating it would be to see equally awesome celebrations from the other competitions.  Scratch that, it's not fair that I ask you to strain yourself on a Friday; therefore, I've come up with another COUNTDOWN!

Top 5 Classic Winter Olympic Gold Medal Celebrations You Wish Happened:

5.  1980 Men's Hockey - The USA Hockey team's infamous gold-medal victory over Finland, which followed the victory over the USSR dubbed the "Miracle on Ice," led to an even more stunning miracle of a celebration.  That's right God's Son Himself made a brief appearance to don the shocked players with their well-earned gold medals and even stayed long enough for the singing of our national anthem.  USA team captain, Mike Eruzione, was quoted post-game as saying, "I can't believe it.  I prayed for Him to be with us, but I never actually thought he'd make it to the rink.  You know, with the traffic and all.  It's a Miracle on Ice." 

4.  2002 Men's Speed Skating - After Apollo Ohno falls, Stephen Bradbury wins Australia's first Winter Olympic gold medal.  Within seconds, a crew of Australian lifeguards sporting speedos assist Bradbury in spreading 12,000 pounds of sand out onto the ice, building and firing up a "Barbie" pit - sponsored by Outback - on which a variety of native fish and steaks are grilled, and tapping into 13 kegs of that elusive gold medal beer - Fosters.  The party ended just in time for the Turino games in '06.

3.  1994 Women's Figure Skating - Defeating Nancy Kerrigan for the gold, Ukrainian Oksana Baiul grabs a bouquet of flowers from an adoring fan and clubs Nancy Kerrigan's good leg.  Although no physical damage was afflicted, the psychological affect on Ms. Kerrigan was undeniable as tears streamed several layers of makeup down her face.  Amongst the tears, she could be seen mouthing "why, why."  Oksana went on to do a traditional Ukrainian Folk Dance for the crowd, gracefully slicing-up Kerrigan's frozen tears.   

2. 1998 Men's Skating - Upon capturing the gold, Brian Boitano (from South Park fame) called the whole Jamaican bobsled team (Cool Runnings, mon) out on the ice to celebrate.  Although the Jamaicans did not medal - hell they didn't even finish - they were well-prepared to celebrate.  That's right, they converted their bobsled into the world's fastest bong.  What did Brian Boitano do?  He took a lung full a la Michael Phelps-style and blew out the ganj smoke in shapes of perfectly-formed hearts. 

And the number 1 Classic Winter Olympic Fictionary Gold Medal Celebration . . .

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Mother Earth Fires 500,000 Americans

The AP cites snow as the main culprit in a half-million Americans filing new jobless claims last week.

Why are you snickering?  This makes complete logical sense.  Think about it:

A.) Wouldn't you, being the cowardly and selfish fat-cat boss we hear so much about in the news, rather "can" your no-good employees from the comforts of home than face their pathetic pleas for mercy as you send them packing in person?  I know my preferred method is via email (it allows me time to wax poetic the number of ways they've failed my business - plus you can attach coupons to McDonald's; it's the right thing to do).

B.) Mother Earth is pissed. We've mocked her "cycles" for too long.  Just to show us who's boss, she'll sacrifice a half-million of our livelihoods a week until we correct our erroneous ways:  designer coffee, Smart Cars, and miniature dogs  (Her logic here is impeccable:  less jobs = less money = less of these items). 

Fellow citizens of Earth, we have a choice to make.  We can either abandon a few materialistic things to appease Mother, or we can continue to destroy our economy with winter storms.  I know where I stand, do you?

OMG!  Louis Vitton has their new line of handbags out that will be perfect for Poopi, my toy poodle!  Screw it, I don't even live in the Northeast.  Sorry Suckas!

Gotta A Dollar? No, Canadian

There seems to be quite the controversery brewing (eh?) in Winnipeg, Canadia this week for this questionable entertainment at a Churchill High School pep rally as reported by The Globe and Mail (w/Video):

A video, taken last Wednesday at Churchill high school, shows students giggling and gasping as their teachers dance in the gym at a pep rally. It shows a female teacher leaning back in a chair and the male teacher bobbing his head near her crotch

Sounds interesting, but aren't they a little confused on roles?  No wonder the youth of the northern territories are so ill-prepared for their south-of-the-border counterparts in the boardrooms of tomorrow.  Where has Canada's education system taken us?  Oh good, more details:

The routine began with the female teacher, sporting pigtails, seated on a chair, her legs spread, hips gyrating. Bumping beats played in the background and the male teacher approached between her legs, his hips swiveling to the beat
Ah yes, gyration and hips a swiveling.  Can we really blame these teachers?  The kids were the ones who dropped those "bumping beats" afterall.  I've been known to throw in a few thrusts when the beats get a bumpin.  The outrage on this is a little over-blown.  I mean, seriously, from the studies I've read this is just a typical Tuesday night for America's 3rd graders. 

But it went even further.  [Ed. - Sweet!]
The female teacher threw her head back and thrust her one leg out as the male teacher continued to dance over her. There was butt-slapping and further gyration. Then the man dipped his head down between her legs and simulated oral sex.

Now they're getting it straight.  You know, if I were a betting man, which I am, I'd say that this is Canada's top secret initiative to get one step ahead of the USA's Planned Parenthood's "push" for "intensive" sex education for children as young as 10.  Just when I think you crazy Canucks are too stuck in your little brother complex you really spin a doozy.  Kudos, Canada, kudos. 

“I would expect a higher standard from teachers in any school in Canada,” said the long-serving trustee and father of six children. “I want them to be role models for our kids. I want them to set the bar high.”

I concur Doctor.  Where are the head stands and full-on straddles?  The Winnipeg School District has a lot of explaining to do.  I bet Planned Parenthood has already worked that into their curriculum.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Sticky Bumpers

As a general principle, I oppose almost all bumper stickers.  98% of them are pretentious and arrogant - espousing your beliefs to any poor soul who has the misfortune of driving behind your Suburu hatchback.  

I'm not impressed with your child earning A's in middle school.  If they discover a cure for cancer, then we can talk.

I don't give a shit who you voted for - the political bumper sticker is just going to make you look like a fool when that elected representative sells out. 

Gluing paper to your car will no more save (the planet, trees, snails, North American Spotted Goose Turkey, sardines, sand, etc.) than forming a drum circle and laying down a jazzy diddy on the pan flute, but it makes the person feel good about doing "their part." 

The condition in which you're born (ethnicity, race, country, state, religion, etc.) does not tell me what kind of person you are, but the fact you have a bumper sticker boasting it does.    

BUT, I drove beside this masterpiece on the commute this morning:

“Dyslexic satan worshippers sell their souls to Santa”

Brilliant.  This made me laugh and I hope I see this car at least once a week.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Son of a Beach!

My.  God.  He actually did it.

If you're like me, you plan your warm weather excursions well in advance, but with the recent scurge of climate change threatening the sea levels you just don't feel comfortable planning your 2078 trip to Daytona Beach right now.  For all you know it may not even exist by the time you get there.  Best case, all the cash spent ordering Daytona Beach gear (DB bumberstickers, neon muscle-shirts, transparent visors, and license plate key-chains) online so that you fit in with the locals on day one will be a complete waste since the beach has moved . . . to Tulsa. 

Well fret no more my fellow Parrotheads, our fave beaches have been saved.

Of all the campaign promises President Obama put out there in 2008, I was most skeptical of his stopping the rising seas whopper, but boy am I green with embarrassment.  YES WE CAN!  

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Our Futures Are So Bright

In the Washington Times, Mark Steyn paints this hypocrisy of modern western governments:

In Iran, the self-declared nuclear regime announced that it was enriching uranium to 20 percent. When President Obama took office, the Islamic republic had 400 centrifuges enriching up to 3.5 percent. A year later, it has 8,000 centrifuges enriching to 20 percent. CIA Director Leon Panetta now cautiously concedes that Iran's nuclear ambitions may have a military purpose. That's odd, because the lavishly funded geniuses behind America's National Intelligence Estimate told us just two years ago that Tehran had ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003. Is that estimate no longer operative? If so, could we taxpayers get a refund?
This is a perfect snapshot of the West at twilight. On the one hand, governments of developed nations micro-regulate every aspect of your life in the interest of keeping you "safe." If you're minded to flip a pancake at speeds of more than 4 mph, the state will step in and act decisively: It's for your own good. If you're a tourist from Moose Jaw, Wash., the government will take pre-emptive action to shield you from the potential dangers of your patio in Arizona.
On the other hand, when it comes to keeping you safe from real threats, such as a millenarian theocracy that claims universal jurisdiction, America and its allies do nothing. There aren't going to be any sanctions, because China and Russia don't want them
(Read It All

Well, I don't know about you, but that puts my troubled mind at ease.  The thought of an operating hot tub in Arizona is nightmarish.  Thank God for Mother Government to protect us from the threat of having fun.

What?  You're concerned about that nuke thing in Iran?  Oh relax you tightwad.  It's not like our like-minded, freedom loving brothers are shooting their own peoples in the streets of Tehran and chanting "death to America and Israel" on a daily basis.  You have absolutely nothing to worry about, you silly hate-monger.  Now, stop breathing so much, you're killing my planet.

Everyone have their shades handy?  Or have those been regulated too?

Friday, February 19, 2010

This Is Just A Test

I'm not exactly proficient with "The Technology," but out of curiosity I'm attempting to post a video.  Here's one (hopefully) from Funny Or Die - an exclusive preview of their new show that airs tonight on HBO:

Do you see anything?

UPDATE:  Crap, it's not working, but neither are any of the videos at funnyordie.com, so I'll give this a little longer to work.  Dear Will Ferrell, your site is not very funny without functioning videos.  Sincerely, Cynicus.

UPDATE 2:  It's working.  Nice.

Penn To The Pen?

According to TMZ, Sean Penn has been charged with battery and vandalism and could potentially be facing a 1 1/2 year jail sentence for assaulting a paparazzo and breaking his camera.  If my instincts are on par, TMZ will have to retract this story and post an immediate apology and correction for fear of a lawsuit for defaming this great man's reputation.  I mean, seriously, who is TMZ anyway?  There not exactly known for esteemed and accurate reporting.  They're like the National Enquirer - all rumors and no substance.

What's that you say?  TMZ was first to report Michael Jackson's death and the National Enquirer broke the John Edwards baby scandal?  Whatever. 

My real point is that Sean Penn is an amazing actor, philanthropist, humanitarian, and all around good-guy who brings meaning to many folks lives through his transcendent acting (I dare you to find a character more poignant and inspirational than Jeff Spicoli). 

What? They have a video?  Shit.

Alright. Fine.  The guy's a total asshole.  As a side note, I've seen more power behind a kick from a beached sea turtle (not the adolescent ninja kind either).

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sox Appeal

Twilight "stud" Kellan Lutz tells Glamour magazine what he's really after on a date:
"What should a girl wear on a first date that would just totally wow you?"
"Socks." He didn't even blink. "Socks?" I asked. "What do you mean, like, um, just socks?" "Like, cute animal printed socks or something like that," he said. "Because nobody knows she's wearing them except her, and then she takes off her thigh-high boots and has those bunny socks under there and it's just like oh man. It makes the mood lighter, it just gets you guys laughing."
Dude, the last thing a guy needs when a girl is removing her thigh-high boots is a mood lightener.  In fact, 4 out of 5 dentists agree that 9 out of 10 men would tell the girl to keep the boots ON.  As for the laughing, were they going to engage in sock puppetry in his little fantasy?
His answer was adorable, funny, and shockingly on-trend for fall 2010. 
Yeah, and absolutely devoid of any trace of heterosexuality - not that there's anything wrong with that. And then he throws this little gem in there:
And then.." he gave me a mischievous little smile..."you see where it goes from there."
Nice save.  And this brings me to my main point.  I'm not questioning Kellan's manhood, I'm pointing out that his "bunny sock" fetish are atypical.  Interviews and magazines like this are the reason why women across the country grossly misunderstand the common male.

Ladies:  Us average guys like things that get our blood pumping (long wavy hair, heels with skirts, and a tease of cleavage), not cotton-stitched farm animals. 

Well, maybe ducks.  I really like ducks. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Grab Your Coat, It's About to Rain

Reuters has posted this hard-hitting (ahem) report on a study that seems to explain why some men refuse to wear a condom:

Nearly half -- 45 percent -- said they had used a badly fitting condom during the previous three months.

These men were more than 2 times as likely to say the condom broke or slipped when they used it. They also often reported it was irritating to wear.

The findings may make some people giggle, but the researchers said the implications were serious. Men will often not buy condoms sized "small" or even "medium," they said.
I, for one, would never make light of such a serious crisis.  Good thing I have a sure-fire solution.  In marketing a product, it's all about packaging and perception right?  So, I've come up with some brand names that will direct users, on either side of average, to the correct size without the stigma of a size label!

Reasoning:  anyone compelled to buy this brand is insecure and must be carrying a light load. 
  •   New Medium (read: still under average) = The Extreme FX RoadWarrior
Reasoning:  this brand appeals to the men who feel that a no fear, balls-to-the-wall, obnoxious lifestyle is the only way to prove how manly they are; i.e they're overcompensating.  This subset of men include, but is not limited to, those who just turned 40, anyone who drinks Mountain Dew or is in their commercials, drivers of Hummers, users of Axe body spray (double pits to chesty!), and/or regulars at strip joints.     
If for some unexplainable reason a guy is uncomfortable with having to buy "Magnum" size condoms, there's a brand for this  bashful consumer as well:

Reasoning:  Do I need any?  This dude's a pimp and exudes total domination, but with humility - a perfect match for the self-conscious big-man.  Also, "Yau-Man" is what the ladies will be saying when they get a look at this beast.  
There, problem solved.  

Friday, February 12, 2010

Today's Simple Pleasure

Sometimes the greatest treasures in life are the simple ones:  hanging with friends, beautiful sunsets, a smile from a stranger. 

Today's Simple Pleasure:  Walking into the public bathroom stall to discover the toilet seat lid lifted up.  Yes!

I'm not sure why this brought me so much joy.  Maybe it's as simple as knowing that the seat had been cleaned and I was free from worry on all the perils that a dirty public bathroom can bring.  It's entirely possible that some kind individual with the same appreciation for the "lifted lid" did so when done with their business as an act of kindness for a stranger.  It doesn't matter, it's all psychological.

Perhaps it harkens back to man's deep-seeded instinct to journey out into the world in the hopes of discovering something new, pristine, and un-desecrated by man, for the sole purpose of claiming it as his own and then promptly defiling it.  Destiny has been fulfilled. 

Either way this experience made me feel like I've already won today.  Call me Ponce de León. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Killaraoke - Philippino Style!

You know you come from hard country when peeps be gettin killed for singing Sinatra classics:
"The authorities do not know exactly how many people have been killed warbling “My Way” in karaoke bars over the years in the Philippines, or how many fatal fights it has fueled. But the news media have recorded at least half a dozen victims in the past decade and includes them in a subcategory of crime dubbed the “My Way Killings.”
Karaoke-related killings are not limited to the Philippines. In the past two years alone, a Malaysian man was fatally stabbed for hogging the microphone at a bar and a Thai man killed eight of his neighbors in a rage after they sang John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” Karaoke-related assaults have also occurred in the United States, including at a Seattle bar where a woman punched a man for singing Coldplay’s “Yellow” after criticizing his version."

John Denver? Really?  I can understand Coldplay.  I mean, my blood pressure sky rockets just knowing they exist.  They suck more balls than Torrey Pines' driving range picker.  But John Denver?  He was such a nice guy.

COUNTDOWN - Top 10 Classic Feel-Good Songs Destined to Lead to Murder at Philippino Karaoke Bars:

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Freeze in D.C.

No, unfortunately this post's title is not referrning to a permanent freeze in federal spending, but rather the temperature of our representatives' nether regions.  You see, it's snowing like Rosie O'Donnell's toilet flushes after a 12-hour binge at the Sizzler - in other words, it's piling on and backing up:

From CNN:

Several cities had record snowfalls.

The storm canceled or delayed flights in several cities, kept federal workers home for a third straight day in Washington, and taxed local government budgets as cities and counties scrambled to pay for snow removal, overtime, salt, supplies and equipment.
Any time we can keep government "out of office" is an opportunity to delay the inevitable debt of our greatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgreatgrandchildren, and I'm all for it.  GO GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Blue Flashers

Topic for Discussion:  Blue-Tooth ear pieces

Fashion Statement, Status Symbol, or National Parks Service tagging and tracking device for the over-abundant North American Douchebag? 

. . . I hear hunting licenses are being discussed as a new source of revenue for the NPS.

Related:  New research suggests an inverse correlation between the length of time an individual wears a blue-tooth ear piece in public and the length of said individual's inseam. 

(For those of you who use a blue-tooth device and are offended I'll share with you the same piece of advice I have for flashers:  Please put that shit away when in public, nobody wants to see it.)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Tiger Goes Gangsta

Apparently Tiger Wood's publicist has abandoned any attempt at resurrecting his once polished brand and has given in to the "real" Tiger as shown on the February Vanity Fair cover.

Nothing portrays humility and shame like posing shirtless post sex-scandal.  The dumbells (not so subtle symbolism?) and black cap were also nice touches.  I can't think of a better way of saying sorry than pumping some iron before heading out to rob a bank.  The people at Vanity Fair could have at least given him some heavier weights.  Seriously, would 20lbs have been too much burden on the shoot?  

Prediction:  A Tiger rap album in 2010 (Possible track titles:  Driving Wood, Tiger's Kittens, Drivin wit da Windows Down, Fore Bitches and a 9-Iron)