A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Pissed Off At Wal-Mart

Now, here's one angry vegetarian:  

"A Canton man remains in jail after being arrested for urinating on a meat counter at a Wal-Mart store.  Police say Jenkins was arrested after they responded to a call from an employee at the Wal-Mart store on Atlantic Blvd. NE, claiming a man walked up to the meat counter and began urinating on the steaks, destroying more than $600 dollars in meat."

Here's the money quote:  "it is not yet known if alcohol or drugs played a role in Brown's actions."

No, of course we shouldn't draw any such conclusions from this mug shot:

He appears to be a sober and temperate young-man who just happens to enjoy perusing the Wal-Mart meat section at 1:30 in the morning with the purpose of expelling waste all over the product.  Who in their right mind wouldn't do the same when given the opportunity? 

Read the rest of the article here.

Friday, January 22, 2010

DWOWW Sling-Shorts

Seeing this post on JWOWW's brilliant idea to capitalize on her habit of wearing a gay man's drapes as a t-shirt, gave me my own brilliant idea:  DWOWW's Sling-Shorts! for men.

Imagine the freedom and sex appeal of silky fabric cradling your junk.  Outside of the traditional neon colors of the Jersey Shore, they'll come in more manly shades and patterns, like hot-pink camo.  Perfect for the beach, hot clubs, or underground Jordanian bathhouses.   

Throw in a surefire tagline:  Rock the hammock!

. . . and we got ourselves a real weiner.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Anti-Fortune Cookie

I went to a restaurant last night and received this fortune in a fortune cookie:
"You will be a winner."
Apparently this implies that I am currently NOT a winner, but not to fret, because one day I will be of some worth to the world.   This got me thinking of some other less-than-helpful fortunes that others might appreciate.

Top 10 Less-Than-Helpful Fortunes:

10.  "It could be worse."
9.    "Hang in there, mediocre times are just around the bend."
8.    "Play the lottery, it's your only hope.  Here's some random numbers so you don't have to rely on your own bad luck."
7.   "Happiness will occasionally be yours."
6.   "You will bring others joy when they laugh at you."
5.   "Hold on to your dreams, they'll offset the nightmares."
4.   "You'll be blessed with friends who are as miserable as you."
3.   "Chuck Norris can kick your ass, but then again, who can't?"
2.   "If you put money in your wallet, it won't be empty."

And the number one less-than-helpful fortune is . . .

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Great Expectations

When it comes to the so-called "experts" and predicting anything (weather, unemployment figures, sales numbers, or any other indicators), the only consistent outcome is an unexpected one. 

"New claims for unemployment insurance rose by 11,000 last week, more than economists had expected."

So, the next time a prediction comes down the pike from the exalted experts, do what I do:  predict the opposite and take a shot everytime your figures are closer to reality than theirs - you're gonna need the 1.75L bottle.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

James Cameron Turning People Blue

This article at Mashable.com reports that some people are experiencing depression after seeing James Cameron's blockbuster hit AVATAR: 

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora() and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it.. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ” - Mike

I can't say that I blame this guy.  I mean, who wouldn't want to live in a place chock full of lethal beasts, foreign militias hellbent on destroying your treehouse, and an indigenous populous who make Smurfs look like whiny little bitches?  The death and destruction alone is enough to inject my life with much-needed meaning. 

Well, let your troubled heart weap no more Mike.  There are places on this planet that can deliver the same awesomeness as Pandora . . . .

Six Real World Places More F-ed Than Pandora:
6.  Pakistan
5.  Congo
4.  Sudan
3.  Iran
2.  Somalia

And the number one location . . . .

Monday, January 11, 2010

Paper or Plastic: Roxxxy the Sex Robot

Dare I say she has a better plastic surgeon than half the women on Secrets of Aspen?  She has to have a better personality. 


Finally, thousands of lonely men will have an excuse to take a five minute break from talking shit to 12 year-olds on World of Warcraft.

Headline News: NBC Gives In To Restless Viewers

With NBC's little late-night experiment, Conan O'Brien and his schoolyard antics on The Tonight Show selfishly provoked fits of laughter from millions, making it damn near impossible for most to go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

Now that NBC has decided to give Leno his old time-slot back, viewers across the country will once again peacefully fall asleep to Leno's soothing opening monologue (with the exception of Monday nights for those who enjoy the Headline News bit).  Kudos NBC, kudos.  

Questions still remain on whether the pulse-pounding, celebrity electric car time trials, which are by no means a paid promotion for Ford, will survive the change.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

File It Under "D" for Duh

St. John fashion says that Angelina Jolie "overshadowed the brand."  Really?  No one took the time to study your brilliant designs on the most beautiful body in the world?  That's weird.

Maybe NASA will release a statement this week on how the sun makes it easier to see things.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fruit of the Booms

Dear Infidels,

Please keep up the good work of adding more layers of security.  I think more Air Marshals is the only logical way to keep me from detonating a bomb on an airplane (ignoring my incompetence of course).  Profiling is out of the question - Allah knows I'm just a simple Al-Qaeda operative from Yemen with a one-way ticket and a narc of a dad.  

Hey, at least running a 4 year-old through a body scanner will provide me with a fun laugh to break up the bureaucracy prior to boarding the next flight.  My first trip was such a drag:
Man Do I Hate The Holiday Travel
Yours Truly,
Umar Farouk "The Pantywaist Bomber" Abdulmutallub

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Or . . . Why I’m Indestructible As Proven By the Media

I’m really beginning to believe that nothing can stop me.  I’m some sort of freak, one-in-a-million bio-conglomeration of naturally occurring antibiotics, antidotes, bullet-proof psyche, impenetrable skin, and titanium attitude all rolled into one badass super kid.  Why are you laughing?  You want proof?  Fine . . . here we go.

In the last decade alone I’ve avoided or overcome numerous demises as forecasted by Mr. & Mrs. Talking Head.  Just in the last year I’ve laughed in the face of the dreaded swine flu (also known as H1N1, or on Endor: R2D2), all the while sitting down to a nice dinner of honey-baked ham for Thanksgiving AND Christmas.

Before that was the catastrophic threat of Avian Bird Flu.  Never since Alfred Hitchcock films have birds been so scary.  I resisted all temptation to carry bread crumbs around in my pockets.

Around the same time as the bird flu was SARS. Don’t ask me what it stands for, because I don’t care (something to the effect of Severe–And-Really-Scary). You remember right? This was the one that had millions of people wearing highly-fashionable blue facemasks all over Asia, Canada, and the cafes of Mexico City. Psst! Versace. I’d get in on that if I were you.

Prior to the SARS “outbreak” was the widely feared West Nile Virus.  Exotic sounding virus + mosquito bite + color-coded state infection maps = apocalyptic pandemic.  I actually think I came down with this one, if a sore neck and fever in the middle of July is any indicator.  However, it didn’t keep me from participating in my sister’s wedding in a 19th century, non air-conditioned church.  Take that bloodsuckers!

Let’s not forget about Mad Cow Disease.  Not only did I not slow down my consumption of beef, but I spit in the face of the brain-rotting affliction by ordering triple cheeseburgers (I’ll worry about the triple-bypass later, or maybe I won’t!).  I’m happy to say that my cognitive processing is as quick as the processor of the computer I’m writing this on – damn, it froze up again.

Enough about diseases already, let’s move on to more nefarious afflictions of the new millennium:  killer wasps, killer bees, and killer Palm Pre’s.  Let’s also throw in killer trees for good measure.