The Granny Panty Bandit

I'm sure you've all grown tired of the coverage of the "Barefoot Bandit."  You know, that teenager from Washington with freakishly oversized feet.  Judging by the chalk outlines he left behind in many of his Bahamian robberies, I'd guesstimate those ground-pounders to be about 30 inches long, or roughly what you'd expect from the love child of King-Kong and Big Foot, which is totally plausible considering we all know that Big Foot resides in the mountains of Washington and that the Washington coastline is closest to Skull Island - birthplace of King-Kong.  It was really only a matter of time before those two monkeys engaged in an elaborate mating ritual involving the climbing of tall buildings and scaring intoxicated, toothless hunters.

Where was I?  Oh yes, of course - the Barefoot Bandit.  Clearly this was a case of a child drowning in the Lake Huron sized shadow of his follicly-saturated parents.  Cast in this light, it's no wonder he both hid from and egged-on the authorities, doing his best to garner a larger following of Facebook friends than the P-units.

This story is over and we are definitely moving on, but what we may have not seen coming is the inspirational effect this lad's toe jam has had on other criminals in the underground bandit world.

In the spirit of Jesse James (not the tattoo gunslinging one), I present you the first awesome copy cat of the Barefoot Bandit - and I'm not making this up - the "Granny Panty Bandit."

At 3 AM last Tuesday morning, a 51 year-old woman robbed a McDonalds in Oklahoma wearing a "white stretch girdle" around her face as a mask.  Don't believe me?  Here's a link to the story and a picture (disclaimer: any damage to property or bodily harm caused by violent convulsions and/or spitting of liquids brought on by this image is purely on purpose and you can thank me later).          

Now, anyone who's ever seen an episode of Cops - or lives in certain parts of Florida - knows that white stretch girdles are actually granny panties (not that there's anything wrong with that), hence the name.

It's been rumored (by me) that this robber stated, "stick'em up, or I'll put these things on" during the attempt.  Money was exchanged faster than an octogenarian can say, "Bingo!"

The list of unorthodox bandits doesn't end here.  The next on the list - and again, I am NOT making this up - is the "Bouquet Bandit."  From the article at Reuters:

Dubbed the "bouquet bandit" by local news media, Pemberton is accused of pulling out a note demanding money -- first from under a potted plant and then from inside a bouquet of flowers -- and handing it to the bank tellers.

This bandit tried gold jewelry on his first attempts, but quickly found out the banks were getting the better deal.   He then tried boxes of chocolate, but had a hard time making the exchange with female tellers who were on diets, which naturally led him to employ flowers.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet jury, I give you Evidence C:

The Force was with a man when he robbed a bank wearing a Darth Vader mask and a cape.

Armed with a gun instead of a light saber, the man entered a Chase bank branch in Setauket, New York, about 50 miles east of New York City, on Thursday and demanded cash from a teller, police said.

This particular bandit has been branded - you guessed it - the "This Is No Halloween Costume It's A Lifestyle 40 Year-old Virgin Living With Mom Bandit."  There's no proof, but this writer would bet a dozen still-in-their-original-packages Princess Leia figurines that this guy's only friend Skip was waiting in an '83 Honda hatchback in full Storm Trooper gear.

Next up for public adoration?  The "Trout Shin Guard Bandit." I may or may not have court recognized proof of the actual existence of this criminal (I'm sure it's only a matter of time).  Inspired by the recent conclusion of the World Cup and for his love of fishing, this bandit affixed fresh rainbow trout to his shins in the hopes of thwarting any attempts at slide-tackling him during his getaway.  Estimated Facebook fans: 1,438,330.

Gee, this horrible economy is getting terribly entertaining.  It's a good thing we have so many heroes to cheer on.