A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ho Ho Ho, Green Giant

While strolling about the backyard for an early morning walkabout (sometimes I wake up in the same place I went to sleep and it disturbs me, so I just need to get out of the house to clear my head), something caught my eye in the corner of the yard.  Actually, "caught my eye" is probably the wrong phrase.  "Blocked the rising sun" is more accurate.

"Holy Mother of Papa Smurf! What in Heidi Montag's name is that?"

"That wasn't here last night," I thought.

Here's what I saw:

Notice the one gallon gasoline container I put beside the growth, so that you too could fully appreciate the sheer enormity of this beast.  I pragmatically chose the gas just in case I need to quickly douse and burn this bad boy if it ever threatens to overtake my house.  I could have used a plastic toy soldier to exaggerate its height, but I'm not one to employ the deceitful trick of exaggeration.

Now, I'm no botanist, but I know a stalk of sweet corn when I see one.  It's either that or a Redwood.  It can't be anything else, because I Googled both "massively tall sequoia" and "tall skinny vegetable stalk grown in the Midwest" and only could connect this life-form growing in my backyard with these two species and an SUV the size of Pittsburgh.  I do remember hearing something about Redwoods only growing on the West Coast, but then again we have had a lot rain this season.  I mean, if a large animal like the Ostrich can fly, anything is possible.

Some other possibilities were found, but drawing any correlations would be stretching it.  A true scientist never stretches, with exception to picking up a dropped beaker.  A true scientist also never eats a large meal prior to swimming.

While taking this majestic sight in, my dog Gunner trotted over and peed on it, so it must be a good thing.  He only pees on objects valuable to my family, like our raspberry bushes, the sofa, or his sister Piper.  Rest assured, if this was some kind of Amazonian Yard Weed he would have steered clear.  God knows if it were broccoli he would've eaten it.

To determine the real value of my Sweet Redwood Corn Tree I looked up the records for height on both corn and Redwoods.  The record for corn is 16 ft. according to Guinness.  The tallest Redwood on record is 379 ft.

I'm going for it.  Here's my logic.  The corn record is going to be cake.  In a mere twelve hours my prized crop grew 3 and a half feet.  That's 42 green inches total, or 7 feet per day for you math aficionados out there (What's that on your shirt? Ah ha! Made you look Urkel!).  According to Texas Instruments this little big guy will surpass the Redwood record in approximately 54 days.  

So in a couple months, I'm having the neighborhood over and I'm lighting this sucker up for a celebration that will make Burning Man look like a bunch of kids hovered around an Easy-Bake Oven.  You bring the movie and I'll provide the popcorn.

1 comment:

  1. Looks like a beanstalk to me. I'd let it grow. There may be a giant in your future.