A forum for the indifferent, malcontent, misfit, and lutraphobic

Disclaimer - This blog contains opinions basted with one or more of the following: logic, satire, irony, bitter thoughts, self-deprecation, and purely by accident, humor - and no, it's not in Latin.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Dogs: A Comparative Study in Intelligence

I have two dogs and I love them both the same, but as far as intelligence goes, they're on opposite ends of the standardized test percentiles.

Here's Piper:
Notice she's alert, focused, creeping, and has a look that seems to say: "I know your every move before you do, who's the bitch now?"

Here's Gunner:
Gunner has Ball.

Now let's take a quick peak at each animal's profile before we move on to analysis.

Breed:  Purebred Beagle - known for their craftiness and problem solving.
Height:  13"
Weight:  26 lbs.
Favorite Food:  sharp cheddar cheese (shredded), grilled chicken, and a spot of Earl Grey on an overcast morning.
Favorite Activities:  stalking and hunting enemy animals, sudoku
Recognized Vocabulary:  fluent in English, some Portuguese and Russian
Favorite Phrase:  "Piper, stare at me while I yell at you to come inside."
Specialty:  Telepathic
Highest Level of Training:  B+ in Advanced Algebra  
Least Proud Moment:  Got caught breaking into Petco at 3 in the morning.

Breed:  Mutt
Height:  30"
Weight:  90 lbs.
Favorite Food:  grass, toilet paper, and broccoli 
Favorite Activities:  Ball, humping large men
Recognized Vocabulary:  Ball, Bug (we're not sure he actually knows the difference between these two)
Favorite Phrase:  "Get Ball."
Specialty:  Ball
Highest Level of Training:   NA
Least Proud Moment:  Licked the inside of a fully heated oven.

Alright, now that we have a good overview of each animal, let's dive into some of the intellectual differences shall we?  

1.  Vet Visits:  
Gunner loves the Vet - it's like a new adventure every time.  Piper is still plotting revenge for the time four years ago when the Vet took away her capacity to make babies.  I caught her just a week ago outside building a mock-up of the Vet Hospital out of twigs and bark mulch.  I think she's planning an assault.

2.  Mind Reading:  
Gunner - not even a little.  Piper is telepathic.  How do I know this?  Because every morning when the first conscious thought enters my brain (still haven't as much as moved in bed, mind you) Piper cries out, "I know you're awake jerk-off, now come get me out of this crate."  Every morning.  First thought.  

For this reason it's entirely impossible to trick Piper into doing something - she resents the fact that we think we can pull one over on her.  Medicine wrapped in cheese?  Oh yeah, that really ticks her off.  

3.  Guilt:
Piper could drop a deuce in Gunner's food bowl with me watching on and deny any culpability with a wag of her tail as I scream "Bad Dog!"  Meanwhile, Gunner tucks his tail between his legs and drops to the floor in submission, because he's really sorry someone took a dump in his dish.  

4.  Hunting:
Piper takes a very reasoned and methodical approach to hunting: track, stalk, attack.  Gunner had no idea there was a squirrel 3 feet behind him - he was busy playing Ball - until Piper sprints past him.  By the time he catches on, the squirrel is a few houses down enjoying a nice peanut brunch, but Gunner insists on continuing to jump up on and bark at the nearest tree.  Piper's already stalking a bird on the other side of the yard.    

5.  Bugs:
This is actually were Gunner has the advantage in pragmatism.  He responds to the distress call - "Gunner!  Bug!" - locates, identifies, and kills.  One strike, one kill, one snack.  Efficient.  

Piper's into torture I'm afraid.  Oh sure, she responds, locates, and identifies, but the kill part is a larger production for her.  She likes to take a snip at a wing here, a little nibble at a leg there.  A swat of the paw is often employed.  You see, the thing you have to understand with Piper is that she takes a bug in the house personally.  It's her house and a strict code of etiquette has been breached.  She wants the intruder to have time to think about what they've done as they clumsily slink off on their two remaining legs to their drawn-out and excruciating deaths. 

Conclusion:  Going through this little exercise has helped me understand the differences between my two beloved dogs and how this has no bearing on preference - I like them both a lot.  I think I understand now how people can love their stupid children as much as their smart ones, because dumb kids can “catch bugs” too.  Very eye opening indeed.  

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Black Holes Are Racist Whores, Says NAACP

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter

(CynicusNewsWire) June 12 - The day started off tranquil, pleasant, and "a little boring" according to Leon Jenkins of the Los Angeles chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

"It was a morning that began like any other for me.  I ate my breakfast while I read the paper, scanning the stories for any racial injustices towards colored people.  I remember planning to go to the store to pick up a new battery for my hearing aid."

Mr. Jenkins never would make it to the store for that new battery.  What occurred next changed his plans and injected new meaning into his day, perhaps even the entire week.

"My wife came into the room and threw a greeting card down on the kitchen table and said, 'sign it.'  It was for our grandson who just graduated college."

Jenkins continued, "I was shocked.  I didn't think he stood a chance with all those White Devils running academics at that hotbed of racism and inequality called UC Berkeley.  They're not exactly known for tolerance you know."

The real shocker for Jenkins wouldn't come from his grandson's diploma.  The real "heart-stopper" came in the form of a seemingly innocuous greeting card meant to convey the heart-felt congratulations for a well-deserved academic achievement.

"I couldn't believe my ears.  The card seemed to be making light of Black Holes."

So, what's the issue with Black Holes?  The definition as stated in the highly reputable encyclopedia site Wikipedia, states:

A black hole, according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. 
"Black holes are always sucking on things and destroying stars' lives.  They're the whores of the universe and something every graduate should take seriously.  One back-seat ride through the galaxy could ruin a young man's reputation.  They're racist too.  Why do they have to be black?  Because a white scientist in a white lab coat said so?  How in the hell does he know? Is he the Black Hole's cosmic pimp?" asked Jenkins.

"This card can't be allowed to push it's corrupt message on the black youths of America.  Only God knows how much damage it has already done to young people thinking that Black Holes are good company."
Mr. Jenkins took this dire situation to the media, where he knew he'd get the word out.  ABC7.com has full coverage and the remaining story in the following video, including sound bites from the outlandish and wholly inappropriate greeting card.

Cynicus' Take

This type of paranoia and overreach just makes the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP look less relevant and more racist than ex-White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

Speaking of Helen Thomas - the dried-out windbag - did you know she started out her career covering sports? That's right, she covered the Ullamaliztli Ballgame Championship of 1442 A.D., and incidentally is when she lost her virginity - to the entire losing team as punishment ("a fate worse than death" as referenced by Aztec leader, Itzcoatl) for their shameful performance.

Back to the matter at hand.  The card's audio clearly says "hole" and not whore.  In a rational world this would be a non-story.  The press conference and sound bites from the video make me seriously wonder if the NAACP would have given two shits if there was such thing as a White Hole and they thought the card referenced a white "whore."

Even so, what's wrong with warning young people on the dangers of prostitutes?  Like Black Holes, they really can destroy a star's career, just ask Jesse James.

Perhaps to avoid future confusion we should shorten Black Hole to "Black Ho."  No one will ever confuse "ho" with "whore."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Go Compound Sand

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter

June 9 (CynicusNewsWire) - Today in economic news, the United States' national debt has been projected to hit $19.6 Trillion by 2015.  The country's debt was at $7.5 Trillion just last year.   

When an anonymous source close to the White House was asked to comment on the compounding figure he said, "Yes, this is all by design.  We're really doing our best to keep setting more records than the rising price of gold."

When informed that the national debt sets a new record every second, our source said, "Yes, well, we're very good at growing money.  Some of us have economic degrees from Harvard you know."

After having the fact pointed out that "debt" is the opposite of "growing money" the anonymous source was quoted as saying, "what, are you sure?" 

Yes, very much so. 

"Oh, [fudge]."

Yes, indeed, oh fudge. 

"Um, uh, don't worry.  We have it all under control.  We'll just print more money and, you know, uh, tax the shit out of business people.  To liberally quote our President, we'll 'kick some ass.'"

When offered that a reduction in government spending could play a major role in the overall solution, the White House source reportedly burst out in laughter which continued for several minutes until he fashioned a cigar out of one hundred dollar bills, lit it with a gold-plated zippo, smoked it, and then used the tip of his A. Testoni Italian leather shoe to crush the ashes out on the pavement.

"Don't be silly," the source said, the last wisp of green smoke drafting out through his stained front teeth.  "The people need us.  They'd starve without our generosity." 

Our confidential source was then picked up by a limo and dropped off at his office 15 feet down the street.

The American Diamondback was unavailable for comment, but his rattle could be heard echoing throughout the country.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Van Der Sloot For President!

. . . of Satan's Lair.

Seriously, this waste of carbon is evil incarnate.  He makes Saddam Hussein look like Sacha Baron Cohen (pic).

Think I'm being a little dramatic?  Hold your judgement until after we explore this article at Fox News detailing his recent confession:
Dutchman Joran van der Sloot, long the prime suspect in the 2005 disappearance of a U.S. teen in Aruba, has confessed to killing a young Peruvian woman in his Lima hotel room last week, a police spokesman said.
Peru's chief police spokesman, Col. Abel Gamarra, told The Associated Press that Van der Sloot admitted under police questioning Monday that he killed 21-year-old Stephany Flores on May 30.
According to La Republica newspaper, Van der Sloot told officials he broke Flores' neck in a rage after he discovered she had used his notebook computer without permission and learned he was involved in the disappearance of Holloway.
"I did not want to do it," La Republica quoted him as saying. "The girl intruded into my private life."

Yes, because that's exactly how a man boy syphilis-infested primate wrongly accused of murder would react.  Who can blame him really?  He spent the last five years containing a scantily publicized accusation of culpability for a missing teenager, no doubt for which he is innocent, from going global and ruining his good family's name forever.  This poor Peruvian girl could have blown the lid on his then pristine public persona.  What better way to keep the public from thinking your a murderer by, well, murdering?

If you think about it, it's a complete fluke that Van Der Sluut got caught.  To demonstrate how much of a criminal savant this guy is, let's go through sequence of events.  I've been watching a lot of Dexter lately, so I know what I'm talking about.  

First, let's discuss Joran's profile.  As mentioned above, he's very low-profile outside of his home island of Aruba.  He's also Dutch and 6'3", so he blends in with the people of Peru better than rum in a daquiri. 

So, he meets a girl at a Peruvian casino.  Note that this was at a South American casino and not Vegas, so instead of cameras every 7 inches of ceiling, it's more like every 2-3 feet.  That's a huge difference working in Mr. Van Der Sluut's favor. 

Okay, so who's the girl?  She's the daughter of a prominent businessman who once ran for President.  So, in other words, a total anonymous target and probably not identifiable by more than 1 in 2 within the community.
Next, he takes the girl back to a hotel, well, because he's done that in the past, so it's best not to change any patterns and raise red flags.  The hotel is not like the ones he's used to in Aruba, so security cameras are a bit of a long-shot.

After doing the evil deed, Joran (pronounced Whoran), fled the country as fast as he could.  No suspicious activity there.  If you don't stick around, they can't blame you for it right?

Now that I've proven this guy should be running Mensa, let's take a look at his unblemished character.   
A fixture on true crime shows and in tabloids after Holloway's disappearance, he gained a reputation for lying -- even admitting a penchant for it -- and also exhibited a volatile temper. In one Dutch television interview he threw a glass of wine in a reporter's eyes. In another, he smashed a glass of water against a wall in a fury.
That's nothing, show me someone who hasn't wanted to throw something at a journalist?
There were indications Van der Sloot may have been traveling on money gained through extortion.  The day of his arrest in Chile, Van der Sloot was charged in the United States with trying to extort $250,000 from Holloway's family in exchange for disclosing the location of her body and describing how she died.
Extortion is a misdemeanor right?
The crime reporter, Peter de Vries -- the victim of the wine-throwing incident -- reported later in 2008 that Van der Sloot was recruiting Thai women in Bangkok for sex work in the Netherlands.

Ah, an entrepreneur.  As you can see, the label "good samaritan" doesn't do this magnanimous creature justice.  So what's he facing anyway?

Murder convictions carry a maximum of 35 years in prison in Peru and it was not immediately clear if a confession could lead to a reduced sentence.
Wonderful.  It's a shame he picked a country whose penal system makes the U.S.'s look like a Nicaraquan prison in comparison.  

Friday, June 4, 2010


According to a study done by scientists at the University of Liverpool, female mice are attracted to the urine of male mice.  The full article by Clara Moskowitz (pronounced MOUSE-Kowitz) can be found at LiveScience.com.  Here's an excerpt:

Hurst and colleagues studied more than 450 female house mice. The scientists exposed the mice to two urine scents – one from a male, and one from a female – and measured how long the females lingered near the smelly spot. In some trials, the mice were allowed to touch the scent mark, and in some cases only smell it.

"Contact with darcin consistently doubled the time spent near a male's scent," Hurst said. "Touching darcin with the nose also made females learn that particular male's odor, subsequently tripling the time spent near to the airborne scent of that individual male but showing no attraction to other males."
Analogous chemicals could be at work in human sexual attraction, too.

This is absolutely fascinating, but what exactly are we supposed to do with this new information?  I suppose this could be a major breakthrough for the relationship-challenged males out there.  They could mark their territory everywhere they go like a dog on a walk.  Instead of bushes, mailboxes, trees and fire hydrants, perhaps a little sprinkle on a bar stool or dancefloor would do the trick.  For the refined gentlemen looking for a good-girl, a dabble on the steps of the local library could bring about an abundance of seemingly random encounters at the study tables.

What am I saying?  Peeing in public is a ridiculous idea.  The more likely result of these research findings is that some slick marketers will pounce on the opportunity.  That's right.  They'll go out and find the alpha males of our society and bottle their potent love potion. 

Cologne is a big business.

"Cynicus, that's just as ridiculous.  No one's gonna spray urine on themselves."

Well not if you put it like that.  It's all about presentation.  Humans are suckers for a good pitch.  Read this list of potential products and tell me you can't see someone buying into it.  

The Top 7 New Brands of Cologne in 2011:

7.Ureka! by Brad Pitt

6. Piss Off by Colin Farrell

5. Freaky by Criss Angel

4. Swinger by Vince Vaughn

3. Pee Diddy by Sean Combs

2. Wonder Mist by John Mayer

And the number 1 top new Men's cologne to attract the ladies is . . .

1. Flow by 50 Cent

I'd include an Axe body spray product, but judging by the whorish attraction stunning females show towards the "every-day" guy in their commercials - that could elicit an allegation of false realism from Jenna Jameson - I'd say there's a good chance they're well ahead of the curve on this. 

Do you have any new cologne brand ideas?  Put'em in the comments!