I’m really beginning to believe that nothing can stop me. I’m some sort of freak, one-in-a-million bio-conglomeration of naturally occurring antibiotics, antidotes, bullet-proof psyche, impenetrable skin, and titanium attitude all rolled into one badass super kid. Why are you laughing? You want proof? Fine . . . here we go.
In the last decade alone I’ve avoided or overcome numerous demises as forecasted by Mr. & Mrs. Talking Head. Just in the last year I’ve laughed in the face of the dreaded swine flu (also known as H1N1, or on Endor: R2D2), all the while sitting down to a nice dinner of honey-baked ham for Thanksgiving AND Christmas.
Before that was the catastrophic threat of Avian Bird Flu. Never since Alfred Hitchcock films have birds been so scary. I resisted all temptation to carry bread crumbs around in my pockets.
Around the same time as the bird flu was SARS. Don’t ask me what it stands for, because I don’t care (something to the effect of Severe–And-Really-Scary). You remember right? This was the one that had millions of people wearing highly-fashionable blue facemasks all over Asia, Canada, and the cafes of Mexico City. Psst! Versace. I’d get in on that if I were you.
Prior to the SARS “outbreak” was the widely feared West Nile Virus. Exotic sounding virus + mosquito bite + color-coded state infection maps = apocalyptic pandemic. I actually think I came down with this one, if a sore neck and fever in the middle of July is any indicator. However, it didn’t keep me from participating in my sister’s wedding in a 19th century, non air-conditioned church. Take that bloodsuckers!
Let’s not forget about Mad Cow Disease. Not only did I not slow down my consumption of beef, but I spit in the face of the brain-rotting affliction by ordering triple cheeseburgers (I’ll worry about the triple-bypass later, or maybe I won’t!). I’m happy to say that my cognitive processing is as quick as the processor of the computer I’m writing this on – damn, it froze up again.
Enough about diseases already, let’s move on to more nefarious afflictions of the new millennium: killer wasps, killer bees, and killer Palm Pre’s. Let’s also throw in killer trees for good measure.
As for the first two, they seem to be scared of me. I haven’t been bitten by a poisonous insect in a decade. Yes, not since being attacked poolside by a biting fly – that’s right, a fly. There was the incident of a swarm of killer bees taking residence inside my living room wall two summers ago and promptly, with radar-like precision, finding the one hole between my hardwoods and baseboards – only to be met with the equal radar-like precision of a rolled-up Cosmo. Okay, okay. They were honeybees, but still they have stingers.
Killer trees, the other widely reported and feared danger of nature, allude to large spine-crushing limbs falling on unsuspecting victims after a heavy snowstorm. My lightning-fast reflexes and super-fueled intuition to not stand underneath massive trees in winter have kept me safe from this peril.
On to technology. We were warned about the dangers of mobile phones leading to the development of tumors. To test the theory, I affixed a cell phone to my head with a rubber band (you’ve all seen the photo in the “hands-free” email) for the majority of 2004. The mobile radiation was no match for my calcium fortified skull.
Let’s not forget about the much-hyped Y2K global meltdown. I’m sure you experienced levels of trepidation only matched in history by the peoples of Pompei. On the other hand, MY Hotmail account suffered no such setback. Without delay, I was forwarding lame emails with DoubleClick-esque precision.
What about video games and their murderous affects on our society? I’m proud to say that I not only shoot the bad guys (Russians, Chinese, Iranians, Koreans (North of course), and Jamaicans), but on occasion the good guys as well – all without a single inclination to go postal on any of my fellow citizens (with the exception of people who don’t even have the common decency to use their turn signal before cutting me off in traffic; I have a special cybernetically-enhanced, Covenant-inspired photon blast waiting for them in my center console).
If I haven’t proved my case enough for the “skeptics” out there, there’s more evidence of my superiority that precedes this last decade. To spare you from exacerbating your ADHD (another diagnosis I’m immune from), I’ll just list the things I’ve survived in short order:
Global cooling, global warming, and now the innocuous, but anxiety-inducing climate change; “real” looking toy guns; skateboards; Asteroids; Doritos; public swimming pools; raves – parties for those of you under 25; consumption of alcohol, tobacco, and
If anyone reading this has been afflicted by any of the aforementioned diseases, disasters, dangers, or psychological conditions, I sincerely apologize if you’ve taken offense. I’m not making fun of you, rather I’m proving that I’m super human and you’re, unfortunately, not. I should be receiving my cape via free shipping from Amazon anytime now.
Oh well, I guess there’s always 2012 to prove me wrong . . . .
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