Or . . . Why I’m Indestructible As Proven By the Media
I’m really beginning to believe that nothing can stop me. I’m some sort of freak, one-in-a-million bio-conglomeration of naturally occurring antibiotics, antidotes, bullet-proof psyche, impenetrable skin, and titanium attitude all rolled into one badass super kid. Why are you laughing? You want proof? Fine . . . here we go.
In the last decade alone I’ve avoided or overcome numerous demises as forecasted by Mr. & Mrs. Talking Head. Just in the last year I’ve laughed in the face of the dreaded swine flu (also known as H1N1, or on Endor: R2D2), all the while sitting down to a nice dinner of honey-baked ham for Thanksgiving AND Christmas.
Before that was the catastrophic threat of Avian Bird Flu. Never since Alfred Hitchcock films have birds been so scary. I resisted all temptation to carry bread crumbs around in my pockets.
Around the same time as the bird flu was SARS. Don’t ask me what it stands for, because I don’t care (something to the effect of Severe–And-Really-Scary). You remember right? This was the one that had millions of people wearing highly-fashionable blue facemasks all over Asia, Canada, and the cafes of Mexico City. Psst! Versace. I’d get in on that if I were you.
Prior to the SARS “outbreak” was the widely feared West Nile Virus. Exotic sounding virus + mosquito bite + color-coded state infection maps = apocalyptic pandemic. I actually think I came down with this one, if a sore neck and fever in the middle of July is any indicator. However, it didn’t keep me from participating in my sister’s wedding in a 19th century, non air-conditioned church. Take that bloodsuckers!
Let’s not forget about Mad Cow Disease. Not only did I not slow down my consumption of beef, but I spit in the face of the brain-rotting affliction by ordering triple cheeseburgers (I’ll worry about the triple-bypass later, or maybe I won’t!). I’m happy to say that my cognitive processing is as quick as the processor of the computer I’m writing this on – damn, it froze up again.
Enough about diseases already, let’s move on to more nefarious afflictions of the new millennium: killer wasps, killer bees, and killer Palm Pre’s. Let’s also throw in killer trees for good measure.
