Van Der Sloot For President!

. . . of Satan's Lair.

Seriously, this waste of carbon is evil incarnate.  He makes Saddam Hussein look like Sacha Baron Cohen (pic).

Think I'm being a little dramatic?  Hold your judgement until after we explore this article at Fox News detailing his recent confession:

Dutchman Joran van der Sloot, long the prime suspect in the 2005 disappearance of a U.S. teen in Aruba, has confessed to killing a young Peruvian woman in his Lima hotel room last week, a police spokesman said.

Peru's chief police spokesman, Col. Abel Gamarra, told The Associated Press that Van der Sloot admitted under police questioning Monday that he killed 21-year-old Stephany Flores on May 30.

According to La Republica newspaper, Van der Sloot told officials he broke Flores' neck in a rage after he discovered she had used his notebook computer without permission and learned he was involved in the disappearance of Holloway.
"I did not want to do it," La Republica quoted him as saying. "The girl intruded into my private life."

Yes, because that's exactly how a man boy syphilis-infested primate wrongly accused of murder would react.  Who can blame him really?  He spent the last five years containing a scantily publicized accusation of culpability for a missing teenager, no doubt for which he is innocent, from going global and ruining his good family's name forever.  This poor Peruvian girl could have blown the lid on his then pristine public persona.  What better way to keep the public from thinking your a murderer by, well, murdering?

If you think about it, it's a complete fluke that Van Der Sluut got caught.  To demonstrate how much of a criminal savant this guy is, let's go through sequence of events.  I've been watching a lot of Dexter lately, so I know what I'm talking about.  

First, let's discuss Joran's profile.  As mentioned above, he's very low-profile outside of his home island of Aruba.  He's also Dutch and 6'3", so he blends in with the people of Peru better than rum in a daquiri. 

So, he meets a girl at a Peruvian casino.  Note that this was at a South American casino and not Vegas, so instead of cameras every 7 inches of ceiling, it's more like every 2-3 feet.  That's a huge difference working in Mr. Van Der Sluut's favor. 

Okay, so who's the girl?  She's the daughter of a prominent businessman who once ran for President.  So, in other words, a total anonymous target and probably not identifiable by more than 1 in 2 within the community.
 
Next, he takes the girl back to a hotel, well, because he's done that in the past, so it's best not to change any patterns and raise red flags.  The hotel is not like the ones he's used to in Aruba, so security cameras are a bit of a long-shot.

After doing the evil deed, Joran (pronounced Whoran), fled the country as fast as he could.  No suspicious activity there.  If you don't stick around, they can't blame you for it right?

Now that I've proven this guy should be running Mensa, let's take a look at his unblemished character.   

A fixture on true crime shows and in tabloids after Holloway's disappearance, he gained a reputation for lying -- even admitting a penchant for it -- and also exhibited a volatile temper. In one Dutch television interview he threw a glass of wine in a reporter's eyes. In another, he smashed a glass of water against a wall in a fury.

That's nothing, show me someone who hasn't wanted to throw something at a journalist?

There were indications Van der Sloot may have been traveling on money gained through extortion.  The day of his arrest in Chile, Van der Sloot was charged in the United States with trying to extort $250,000 from Holloway's family in exchange for disclosing the location of her body and describing how she died.

Extortion is a misdemeanor right?

The crime reporter, Peter de Vries -- the victim of the wine-throwing incident -- reported later in 2008 that Van der Sloot was recruiting Thai women in Bangkok for sex work in the Netherlands.

Ah, an entrepreneur.  As you can see, the label "good samaritan" doesn't do this magnanimous creature justice.  So what's he facing anyway?

Murder convictions carry a maximum of 35 years in prison in Peru and it was not immediately clear if a confession could lead to a reduced sentence.

Wonderful.  It's a shame he picked a country whose penal system makes the U.S.'s look like a Nicaraquan prison in comparison.