Dogs: A Comparative Study in Intelligence

I have two dogs and I love them both the same, but as far as intelligence goes, they're on opposite ends of the standardized test percentiles.

Here's Piper:

Notice she's alert, focused, creeping, and has a look that seems to say: "I know your every move before you do, who's the bitch now?"


Here's Gunner:

Gunner has Ball.


Now let's take a quick peak at each animal's profile before we move on to analysis.

Piper 
Breed:  Purebred Beagle - known for their craftiness and problem solving.
Height:  13"
Weight:  26 lbs.
Favorite Food:  sharp cheddar cheese (shredded), grilled chicken, and a spot of Earl Grey on an overcast morning.
Favorite Activities:  stalking and hunting enemy animals, sudoku
Recognized Vocabulary:  fluent in English, some Portuguese and Russian
Favorite Phrase:  "Piper, stare at me while I yell at you to come inside."
Specialty:  Telepathic
Highest Level of Training:  B+ in Advanced Algebra  
Least Proud Moment:  Got caught breaking into Petco at 3 in the morning.

Gunner

Breed:  Mutt

Height:  30"

Weight:  90 lbs.

Favorite Food:  grass, toilet paper, and broccoli 

Favorite Activities:  Ball, humping large men

Recognized Vocabulary:  Ball, Bug (we're not sure he actually knows the difference between these two)

Favorite Phrase:  "Get Ball."

Specialty:  Ball

Highest Level of Training:   NA

Least Proud Moment:  Licked the inside of a fully heated oven.

Alright, now that we have a good overview of each animal, let's dive into some of the intellectual differences shall we?  

1.  Vet Visits:  

Gunner loves the Vet - it's like a new adventure every time.  Piper is still plotting revenge for the time four years ago when the Vet took away her capacity to make babies.  I caught her just a week ago outside building a mock-up of the Vet Hospital out of twigs and bark mulch.  I think she's planning an assault.

2.  Mind Reading:  

Gunner - not even a little.  Piper is telepathic.  How do I know this?  Because every morning when the first conscious thought enters my brain (still haven't as much as moved in bed, mind you) Piper cries out, "I know you're awake jerk-off, now come get me out of this crate."  Every morning.  First thought.  

For this reason it's entirely impossible to trick Piper into doing something - she resents the fact that we think we can pull one over on her.  Medicine wrapped in cheese?  Oh yeah, that really ticks her off.  

3.  Guilt:

Piper could drop a deuce in Gunner's food bowl with me watching on and deny any culpability with a wag of her tail as I scream "Bad Dog!"  Meanwhile, Gunner tucks his tail between his legs and drops to the floor in submission, because he's really sorry someone took a dump in his dish.  

4.  Hunting:

Piper takes a very reasoned and methodical approach to hunting: track, stalk, attack.  Gunner had no idea there was a squirrel 3 feet behind him - he was busy playing Ball - until Piper sprints past him.  By the time he catches on, the squirrel is a few houses down enjoying a nice peanut brunch, but Gunner insists on continuing to jump up on and bark at the nearest tree.  Piper's already stalking a bird on the other side of the yard.    

5.  Bugs:

This is actually were Gunner has the advantage in pragmatism.  He responds to the distress call - "Gunner!  Bug!" - locates, identifies, and kills.  One strike, one kill, one snack.  Efficient.  

Piper's into torture I'm afraid.  Oh sure, she responds, locates, and identifies, but the kill part is a larger production for her.  She likes to take a snip at a wing here, a little nibble at a leg there.  A swat of the paw is often employed.  You see, the thing you have to understand with Piper is that she takes a bug in the house personally.  It's her house and a strict code of etiquette has been breached.  She wants the intruder to have time to think about what they've done as they clumsily slink off on their two remaining legs to their drawn-out and excruciating deaths. 

Conclusion:  Going through this little exercise has helped me understand the differences between my two beloved dogs and how this has no bearing on preference - I like them both a lot.  I think I understand now how people can love their stupid children as much as their smart ones, because dumb kids can “catch bugs” too.  Very eye opening indeed.