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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Black Holes Are Racist Whores, Says NAACP

by Cynicus Sarcasmos - Staff Reporter


(CynicusNewsWire) June 12 - The day started off tranquil, pleasant, and "a little boring" according to Leon Jenkins of the Los Angeles chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

"It was a morning that began like any other for me.  I ate my breakfast while I read the paper, scanning the stories for any racial injustices towards colored people.  I remember planning to go to the store to pick up a new battery for my hearing aid."

Mr. Jenkins never would make it to the store for that new battery.  What occurred next changed his plans and injected new meaning into his day, perhaps even the entire week.

"My wife came into the room and threw a greeting card down on the kitchen table and said, 'sign it.'  It was for our grandson who just graduated college."

Jenkins continued, "I was shocked.  I didn't think he stood a chance with all those White Devils running academics at that hotbed of racism and inequality called UC Berkeley.  They're not exactly known for tolerance you know."

The real shocker for Jenkins wouldn't come from his grandson's diploma.  The real "heart-stopper" came in the form of a seemingly innocuous greeting card meant to convey the heart-felt congratulations for a well-deserved academic achievement.

"I couldn't believe my ears.  The card seemed to be making light of Black Holes."

So, what's the issue with Black Holes?  The definition as stated in the highly reputable encyclopedia site Wikipedia, states:

A black hole, according to the general theory of relativity, is a region of space from which nothing, including light, can escape. 
 
"Black holes are always sucking on things and destroying stars' lives.  They're the whores of the universe and something every graduate should take seriously.  One back-seat ride through the galaxy could ruin a young man's reputation.  They're racist too.  Why do they have to be black?  Because a white scientist in a white lab coat said so?  How in the hell does he know? Is he the Black Hole's cosmic pimp?" asked Jenkins.

"This card can't be allowed to push it's corrupt message on the black youths of America.  Only God knows how much damage it has already done to young people thinking that Black Holes are good company."
  
Mr. Jenkins took this dire situation to the media, where he knew he'd get the word out.  ABC7.com has full coverage and the remaining story in the following video, including sound bites from the outlandish and wholly inappropriate greeting card.



Cynicus' Take

This type of paranoia and overreach just makes the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP look less relevant and more racist than ex-White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

Speaking of Helen Thomas - the dried-out windbag - did you know she started out her career covering sports? That's right, she covered the Ullamaliztli Ballgame Championship of 1442 A.D., and incidentally is when she lost her virginity - to the entire losing team as punishment ("a fate worse than death" as referenced by Aztec leader, Itzcoatl) for their shameful performance.

Back to the matter at hand.  The card's audio clearly says "hole" and not whore.  In a rational world this would be a non-story.  The press conference and sound bites from the video make me seriously wonder if the NAACP would have given two shits if there was such thing as a White Hole and they thought the card referenced a white "whore."

Even so, what's wrong with warning young people on the dangers of prostitutes?  Like Black Holes, they really can destroy a star's career, just ask Jesse James.

Perhaps to avoid future confusion we should shorten Black Hole to "Black Ho."  No one will ever confuse "ho" with "whore."

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