Grab Your Coat, It's About to Rain

Reuters has posted this hard-hitting (ahem) report on a study that seems to explain why some men refuse to wear a condom:

Nearly half -- 45 percent -- said they had used a badly fitting condom during the previous three months.

These men were more than 2 times as likely to say the condom broke or slipped when they used it. They also often reported it was irritating to wear.

The findings may make some people giggle, but the researchers said the implications were serious. Men will often not buy condoms sized "small" or even "medium," they said.

I, for one, would never make light of such a serious crisis.  Good thing I have a sure-fire solution.  In marketing a product, it's all about packaging and perception right?  So, I've come up with some brand names that will direct users, on either side of average, to the correct size without the stigma of a size label!

•    New Small = The Spencer Pratt 

Reasoning:  anyone compelled to buy this brand is insecure and must be carrying a light load. 

•   New Medium (read: still under average) = The Extreme FX RoadWarrior

Reasoning:  this brand appeals to the men who feel that a no fear, balls-to-the-wall, obnoxious lifestyle is the only way to prove how manly they are; i.e they're overcompensating.  This subset of men include, but is not limited to, those who just turned 40, anyone who drinks Mountain Dew or is in their commercials, drivers of Hummers, users of Axe body spray (double pits to chesty!), and/or regulars at strip joints.     

If for some unexplainable reason a guy is uncomfortable with having to buy "Magnum" size condoms, there's a brand for this  bashful consumer as well:

• New Extra Large = The Yau-Man

Reasoning:  Do I need any?  This dude's a pimp and exudes total domination, but with humility - a perfect match for the self-conscious big-man.  Also, "Yau-Man" is what the ladies will be saying when they get a look at this beast.  

  

There, problem solved.