Jet Blue-Balled

Steven Slater sure knows how to make an exit.  The 38 year-old (ex)flight attendant stuck it to the man in a fashion suitable for the big-screen.  Slater quit his job in a sequence of events that would make a Judd Apatow screenplay turn tricks for a typewriter just to get this scene down on paper.  

What did he do?  If you haven't heard this popular news story already, you either spent the last 72 hours in the "hole" at the local "Super Max," or you're like me and have the short-term memory of rock salt.    

On a Jet Blue flight from Pittsburgh to New York on Monday, Slater got into a little tiff with a female passenger who apparently told him to go pleasure himself in so many words.  In return, our bashful flight attendant went to the PA system and publicly returned the favor.  He proceeded to grab a couple beers from the beverage cart - well that kills the insanity argument, he's obviously thinking clearly - and then deployed the airplane's emergency slide for a quick getaway.  Passengers could hear a fading "Yippee Ki-Yay M***** F***ers!" as Slater slid into the sunset.   

This guy emits more drama than Broadway.  He's going to need it too if he's to beat the rap in court.  Needless to say, he's been "Blue-Balled" by Jet Blue - their term, not mine . . . maybe.   

Quite frankly, I'm surprised a complete meltdown from a flight attendant hasn't happened sooner.  They should be given medals for surviving a certain amount of time with Joe Public - say every 5 minutes.  This isn't just normal public either; it's the dreaded "Traveling Public."  You know, the folks who wouldn't think twice about "shanking" a fellow traveler if they thought it would get them to their gate 5 seconds earlier.  

I can't even make it 3 minutes at the grocery store without feeling like I need to stick my head into the deli section's chicken rotisserie (roast until golden-brown), let alone deal with Satan incarnate - aka "Travelers."  For the good of society, and my non-roasted melon, I should really just stay at home.   

If I ran an airliner, my employee recognition program for flight attendants and crew would be similar to that to Alcoholics Anonymous.  The annual awards banquet might go something like this:

President of Airline (me, of course):  "Ladies and male flight attendants of Wingless Air ("We Fly In Straight Lines"), we've given out our prestigious tokens to those of you that have hit the one-minute, ten-minute, and thirty-minute periods of maintaining a fake smile.  Congratulations to the four of you.  And now it's time to give out the most coveted prize of the year.  The benchmark and goal of our customer service mission statement . . . the ROUND TRIPPER Token!"

[Mass applause and rambunctious cheers from 401K invested employees and spouses or significant others in attendance]

PoA:  "We actually have a winner this year!"

[More of the same from audience unable to contain their excitement]

PoA:  "For resisting the urge to perform unnecessary tracheostomies on passengers with a plastic spork, for an entire round trip flight between Houston and Austin, our winner this year is . . . (. . . . . drumroll . . . . . ) . . . Sandy B. Hines!  Come on up Sandy and tell us how you did it."

[In their elevated height of excitement, the crowd begins throwing chairs and removing various articles of clothing in their frenzied scramble to get closer to the stage]

Sandy B. Hines:  "Well, oh my gosh, I'm so excited.  I can't believe I really actually won.  How did I do it?  Well, my secret is to take one minute and one passenger at a time.  That, and totally legal prescription medications.  Lots of them . . . together . . . and all throughout the day."

Now, let's slowly back away from my little fantasy and recap this post (aka "Two minutes you'll never get back").  Steven Slater may be out of a job, but the good news is he's gotten his 15 minutes of fame and is almost guaranteed a book deal and/or reality show.  Also, for those of you looking for a job that offers career advancement via slide, I hear Jet Blue has an opening.

If you need me, I'll be in the basement watching Judd Apatow movies.  There seems to be less Public down there.