Mouse Trap

The following is a news story from Reuters that has been heavily edited for the sole purpose of satire, in as such it should not be taken to contain any factual information, nor should it be construed by the reader to be anything but satire.  The original story can be found here.

FBI arrests two on Disney corporate espionage charges

(CynicusNewsWire) - A Walt Disney Co employee and her boyfriend have been charged with a covert corporate espionage operation in which they were attempting to steal proprietary information and sell it to Dreamworks Animation (DWA).

Disney said it was fully cooperating with an investigation into allegations by U.S. prosecutors that Minerva "Minnie" Mouse, an assistant to the head of business development, and boyfriend Mickey tried to sell future project documents to executives at Dreamworks for some serious cheddar.

"Any reference to there being an ongoing project relating to an animated film involving Vampires was and is false," said Disney head of Project Development, H.D. Pluto.  Mr. Pluto added, "As if, that would be so cliche, gaharharhar." 

Ms. Mouse is accused of giving confidential information about Disney's rumored project "The Vampire With No Fangs" to Mickey, who in turn tried to sell it to Dreamworks Animation, according to criminal and civil charges filed in Orlando on Wednesday.

Minnie and Mickey -- otherwise known as a washed-up film actor -- were arrested by FBI agents at their residence in Anaheim, law enforcement officials said.

In an FBI sting operation, undercover agents contacted Mickey, who in one email said he had learned Disney was in talks to purchase film and publishing rights to the Twilight series, a subject of wide speculation amongst the residents of Magic Kingdom.

"It's a total embarrassment for me and my feathered nephews. That such a prestigious brand would even consider inviting such unimaginative creatures to our world," said an inside source going only by the name of Don.

Another source who wouldn't stop bouncing around stated, "Some people around here are calling my friend-a-roos rats.  They're not rats, they're heros. Weehee."

Court documents said Minerva and Mickey conspired from 1972 through May 26 of this year to try to profit from confidential information available to Minerva as the assistant to an executive.  According to these court documents Ms. Mouse is on the record as saying:

"This isn't about the cheese.  Management decisions for the last four decades have been deplorable and have led to extreme brand malfeasance.  I haven't been given a new bow, or headlining appearance for that matter, since 1965.  Mickey and I are exposing the questionable content propagating from this corporation in hopes of returning our world back to what it used to stand for when Papa was still alive."

A statement from Robin Hood was incoherent because of incessant sobbing.  Hood did manage to squeak out through tears the rhetorical question, "f---ing Russel f---ing Crowe?"  Apparently he had just watched the new film and was inconsolable. 

The criminal complaint filed in Epcot federal court in Florida charged Ms. Mouse, 82, and Mickey, 82, with conspiracy and slander in allegations of illegal corporate espionage. The charges carry a maximum possible sentence of expulsion from all Disney assets and a forfeiture of all due royalties if they are found guilty.

They are scheduled to make an initial appearance before the honorable Queeno Harts in Los Angeles later on Thursday.

Unlawful Apples

From Fox News, a chilling account of a threat to freedom and liberty that all American's face:

A Californian woman who was accused of attacking an airport security guard for trying to seize her applesauce as she boarded a plane was fined $2,500 over the incident -- and is refusing to pay, The Glendale News Press reported Wednesday.

"Unfortunately, sometimes people in positions of authority are unethical, unprofessional or just downright criminal in their activity. And in that case, if you're in the right, you need to stand up for yourself. And that's what I did in my case -- what they did was wrong, and what I did was right."

Damn straight Sister!  Oh sure, it's just applesauce today, but before you know it the SS-like monsters at the TSA will  begin confiscating more important items like 25 ounce tubes of odorless "toothpaste" or the 16-inch hunting knife strapped to your tibia (for hunting *wink*).    

I don't blame her for refusing to pay the $2500.  Do you know how many packs of Mott's that can buy?  I'd say at least a week's worth.  Or, for the libertarians up in Michigan, I reckon you could buy your own apple tree and make your own sauce with enough spare change to load your 200 extra clips with fresh ammo for Bessy (your beloved AR).  Let's see them dirtbag Feds get their pork-sausage fingers on your applesauce now!

Here's where the story gets good:

But when the 58-year-old was told she couldn’t take it on the plane she refused to hand the blue container over -- sparking a "tug-of-war" with a TSA agent at Bob Hope airport in Burbank, Calif.

You see, the key here is to move fast and catch the agent off guard.  Any hesitation and the 50 or so agents in the area, who were daydreaming about their next smoke break, will be on you like rednecks on a "Dogs Playing Poker" painting at the flea market.

This clash took place at Bob Hope Airport of all places.  I wonder what he'd say about all this if he were still alive.

"Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued."  - Bob Hope

Amen, Bob, amen.

And the excuse for bringing a cooler full of applesauce to the airport?

Hays, who was heading to Nashville for a family wedding with her 93-year-old mother, insisted she had followed procedures and that her mother needed the items for a medical condition.

Don't laugh.  It's widely held knowledge in the medical community that applesauce is the ideal cure for bulshilitus - an unfortunately common ailment in the North Americas in the area between Canada and Mexico.  I feel the symptoms coming on right now.

Now That's Soxy!

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Tar Balls

What do Bill Clinton, the iPad, and Mr. Roger's sweater have in common?

I don't know either, but I bet the answer is a possible solution to this oil spill in the Gulf.  It's getting slick out there folks.  This mess is proving more unpredictable than the number of cars in Jay Leno's garage. 

Now they're saying that tar balls are washing up in Key West.  I don't exactly know what a tar ball is, but it definitely sounds sinister.  Like maybe something you'd find Amy Winehouse smoking or injecting (perhaps snorting in the most desperate of situations) in the lightless cellar of Camden Monarch in London.

BP.  British Petroleum.  Can someone please tell me what in Patrick Henry are the British doing in our waters?  I would have evoked Samuel Adams' name, but I don't want to change the subject to delicious lager.  I thought we were pretty clear a couple centuries ago about our sentiments towards the King's army. 

American Petroleum should be out there screwing up our natural resources.  Yeah, the AP.  No, that wouldn't work.  The AP oil company would just make up news.  You know, some boilerplate story like, "DEAD SHRIMP IN GULF BUSH'S FAULT!!!" or "GEORGE BUSH HATES GULF OF MEXICO!!!"

I saw a graphic today showing an ocean current carrying the oil slick across the Gulf, around Florida, and up the east coast of the U.S.  Maybe this is some beyond-the-grave conspiracy by our founding fathers to plunder the Brit's wealth and return it back home to the thirteen original colonies.  A reparation, if you will, for the accents they left behind in Massachusetts.  A second American Revolution!
  
"Cynicus!  What's your point?"

Hey, chill and slowly lower your Activia® filled spoon (Activia® is a great-tasting lowfat yogurt from Dannon® that contains Bifidus Regularis™).  There is no point.  This post is pretty useless.   It's not like I'm solving any problems here.  Do I read like the kind of guy that actually solves shit?

Maybe that's what this post needs.  It needs to do its part in helping to stop the leak and clean up our waters.  Here's my solution: SUVs.

That's right.  Smarter people than me are always saying that SUVs eat up gasoline by the gallons.  Just toss a few hundred thousand into the Gulf and let them get at it. 

"Where are we going to get that many SUVs?"

I don't know, I'm not the details guy.  I hear Toyota might have some great deals right now though. 

Post your solutions in the comments!

Shining Sheen - Half A Man

My life is over.  What am I going to do without Two and a Half Men?

From TMZ:

Suddenly it's looking like Charlie Sheen may not re-sign with "Two and a Half Men"  Several sources familiar with the situation say Sheen likes playing Charlie Harper but he's thinking about "the next thing" -- though no one would be specific.

Does anyone even watch Two and a Half Men?  A show hasn't sucked this hard since My Two Dads, which pretty much has the same premise, but with two guys way cooler than Charlie Sheen. 

Which one's Charlie??

Well, no wonder he's agreed to do this show all these slow painful years:

Charlie stands to make between $60 - $100 mil for the next two years ... depending on how the negotiations go.

Jesus, I guess you'd need to make that much to justify ruining an A-list acting career. 

I almost feel a little sympathy for his little incident in Aspen last year.  It's possible that he and his wife got into an argument over something and to come out on top, his wife went for the nuclear option and said something to the affect of, "Oh yeah, Charlie? Too bad your pathetic little show has worse ratings than Fox and Friends!"  And poor old Charlie just snapped and tried to kill her.  Seriously, what self-respecting individual wants to be compared negatively to Fox and Friends?

Oh, there it is.  Our real answer to why Charlie's leaving the show:

"Charlie is really into his sobriety now," one source said, adding, "He likes the show but it brings back bad memories."

Right, so he sobered up, watched a few episodes, and realized how much of a boob his character is.  This makes perfect sense to me - unlike this show lasting as many years as it has.

Disclaimer:  Apparently many people actually watch Two and a Half Men.  People that I do not socialize with.  Everything I've written about the domestic situation is pure speculation.  I've actually never watched a full episode of this television series.  As a professional cynic, all I need is five minutes to determine whether something is killing my brain cells.  Yeah, a guy named Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, gets a lot of ladies - that's a stretch.

 

Dead Weight

Hey folks, are you like me and enjoy running and the scenery that goes along with it, but can't be bothered by physically touching ground?  Well, you and I are in luck, neighbor.  Feast your eyes on the greatest invention since the Shower Mic:





The Treadcycle(TM) runs entirely on human momentum, kind of like . . .  a human.  Is it just me, or does this contraption make biking and running on a treadmill look physically easier to do in comparison?  Seriously, leave it up to a Canuck to invent a new way of jogging in the park that requires a bike helmet. 

Did you catch the chrome wheels?  I wonder if the Eddie Bauer model comes with upgraded spinners - anything to distract park goers from the middle-aged man riding a scooter.  Maybe multi-colored handlebar tassels are an upgrade option for the discerning gentleman.    

The next invention on the docket for this aspiring Thomas Edison? 

Have you ever wanted to go for a swim AND lift weights, but you only had time for one or the other??  Well, thanks to the folks who brought you the Treadcycle(TM), a tough exercise decision is no more! 

Introducing, SwimMass(TM), the revolutionizing system of ankle and wrist mounted water weights developed specifically with muscle growth in mind.  Each 25lb apparatus is ergonomically and aerodynamically designed for optimal water movement, no matter what style of swimming you prefer (backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, and more!). 

The ankle and wrist weights are backed by a 100% moneyback guarantee not to fall off during workout.  In fact, a new trademarked, polymer-metal blend fastener is impossible to remove until completely dry - well after your workout has completed! 

SwimMass(TM) will have you swimming with the fishes and looking buff in no time!